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Relationships

Heartbroken again 😥

31 replies

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 07:17

So here's my little story. My ex husband had an affair with a 19 year old girl when I was pregnant with our 3rd baby. He moved out eventually to be with her when the baby was 3 weeks old, the other two children were 4 and 3 at time. Life was hell.

2 years later I met a wonderful man, we get along so well and he made me feel so loved every single day. I was happy again. I love him too with all my heart. He has helped me through my divorce and has always been there for me.

He has always been honest about how how he struggles at times with my problems with my crazy ex husband (14 court battles) and how I raise my children, but he still tried so hard to become involved with my life and my young children. Every time he would tell me he wants to keep trying because he doesn't want to be without me.

I never asked him to become a stepdad figure, the children has a dad. Also my boyfriend is always working aboard and I only have the kids half the time so they don't really see each other that often.

We have now been together for over 2 years and unfortunately reality hits again. He isn't sure about being a "step dad" to my children again. His own children are all grown up and moved out and he is at a stage in his life where he has no responsibilities. My youngest is still only 4 years old.

He loves me so dearly and he is sad that he can't give me what I want and what my children deserve. We tried to break up but its so difficult as we are so in love with each other. We want to try but we don't know how.

Yesterday, I ended the relationship with him. I just hate to see that the man I love struggles to be part of my life just because he loves me. I figured that the only way to love him now is to let him go.

I've posted my story in a Facebook group but many people are very cynical about "this type of man". Some thinks he has been playing me from the start and that if he really loves me he should accept my children and be a step dad no matter what. They think he should not have waited 2 years to tell me that. I want to say I don't agree with them. I accept that he hesitated at first, but he tried and tried and it just didn't work out for us.

I am so heartbroken and it's killing me inside. 💔

OP posts:
Lovegaultier · 28/06/2017 07:27

I don't see how he struggles to be with you because he loves you. He struggles to be with you because love isn't enough. You have too much else going on and your children are very young so his feelings are understandable.

It is hard to end a relationship when you still have feelings for each other. You have really been through it so I would give yourself some time and space to recover.

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 07:34

Thank you that's what I meant. When it's just me and him things are perfect, when you throw in everything else that's going on in my life it becomes stressful to be with me :(

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 28/06/2017 07:38

Gaultier is right. Love isn't enough. You're at different stages of your lives.

I think he's trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It just doesn't work

Changedname3456 · 28/06/2017 08:23

As TheNaze said - square peg.

If his kids have now grown up, but yours are so young (at least 14 years before the youngest will be likely to move out) then I'm not surprised he's finding it difficult to completely commit.

I saw plenty of female profiles on OLD which stated that they wouldn't look at Dads with kids a lot younger than theres were, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's facing up to the reality that once you've got through raising your kids (lovely as the experience is), it's not such a fun prospect to go back and start again, especially with someone else's.

Changedname3456 · 28/06/2017 08:23

*theirs were

jeaux90 · 28/06/2017 08:31

But why do you have to be together all the time? I assume you have time to yourself when the dc goes to their dads? Why can't you just enjoy what you have in those moments?

I'm a single mum, heavy career and I see my OH maybe 1 or twice a week. Sometimes not for 2 or 3 weeks if he or I are travelling. We love each other but accept that "normal" isn't for us right now

It's not a move in or split up thing perhaps, maybe there is a compromise x

noego · 28/06/2017 09:08

Relationships come in all different sizes. I have a number of relationships that are not of the square peg round hole variety.
It's all worked out fine and everyone is happy. Do what is right for you and your fella. Everything else can be dealt with.

GoneDownhill · 28/06/2017 09:13

This is sad by it doesn't sound like either of you has died me anything wrong. Maybe you should both have taken care t slower but then it's hard not to know how living together will work out until you actually live together.

Is there a possibility you could continue your relationships without living together and for you to simply date one another?

HildaOg · 28/06/2017 10:25

Sounds like he was what you needed to get through a hard time and now it's time to move on. You're at different stages in your lives. You need someone who is at the same stage or wants to be.

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 11:43

Its just so sad as we are still in love with each other :(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/06/2017 12:07

It is sad and I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I know when I start dating again I don't want someone with young kids.
I've done that and have no desire to do it all again.
I'm too old!
Sometimes lifestyle wins out over love.
You are doing the right thing.

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 13:05

Thank you hellsbellsmelons.

To be honest if I met my dream man today and he has young kids I would run a mile too. It's just really sad that we have both invested 27 months into this relationship to realise its not going to work out after all.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 28/06/2017 15:05

Love is never enough when you get older and mix in life experiences and events; I don't think he was stringing you along and I understand why he doesn't want to be a step dad, it's bloody hard.

Can you not live apart but just date until the kids grow up?

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 15:19

Adora10

You are one of the minorities that actually believes he wasn't stringing me along. I didn't think he was too.

We don't live together but after 27 months its kind of hard to ignore the kids existence and just carry on "dating" especially when he has already tried and be involved with them. I would probably be ok if i've always had that separate lives but its weird moving backwards now. What are the children gonna think with him only wanting to be there for mummy and doesn't really care much about them :(

OP posts:
Adora10 · 28/06/2017 15:25

Not ignore them but does he have to be heavily involved, can you not spend time at his place when kids are with their dad?

Feel sorry for you.

Mintychoc1 · 28/06/2017 15:31

I'm sure there's middle ground between being a stepfather and splitting up?

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 28/06/2017 15:36

How much can you see him if he's away?

Im sorry - it sucks - different stages

WannaBe · 28/06/2017 15:40

Have replied to your other thread. TBH I don't think he did anything wrong not wanting to be involved with someone with young children (I wouldn't want to be either,) bbut what he did wrong was to A, not be totally up-front about it and B, to keep up the pretence that he would try because he "loved you so much," only for him to change his mind two years down the line.

If you don't want to be involved with someone with children then you don't. But let's be honest, nobody falls so deeply in love in the first flush of romance that the kids suddenly become a non factor. The kids become a non factor in the beginning because they're usually not in the equation until the relationship has become more solid. He should have been absolutely up-front before it got to that point. If he wanted no involvement with the OP's children then he should have said so before the point of her introducing them to him.

As for just having a relationship which doesn't involve the kids, do people really think that's realistic given the OP's youngest is only four? Especially as there are real feelings involved on her part? Of course it isn't. OP doesn't want casual now, so it's not realistic to have a kid free relationship in that sense because there is no end in sight, and the children will soon reach an age where they realise that there is a man on the scene who is not involved in their lives.

It's far better to cut and run now before you get any more hurt. And I do think that he was stringing you along to a large extent, sorry.

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 15:41

I actually only have the children half the time so when I am not with the children I am at his house. And when I have the kids and he isn't working he would come to mine (probably once or twice a month).

So he was never really there as a step dad, just "mummy's boyfriend that comes and see us occasionally". So I am not 100% sure where this big fear of being a step dad comes from.

OP posts:
Sunnymorningwithbacon · 28/06/2017 15:45

My youngest is 18. I wouldn't and don't date men with kids under the age of mine. I don't want to take that on

I am, however, very up front about that.

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 15:49

Well, to be fair on him, he has brought up the kids issue quite a few times since the early stage of the relationship, but each time when I tried to let him go he would say he wants to try and wants to be in the same team with me. He would then prove it by seeing the kids more often, reading to them, doing homework with them etc.

I am just sad that after all the efforts we've made he still decides he is too selfish to take on the stepdad position.

OP posts:
juneau · 28/06/2017 16:00

OP, I realise how hard this is for you, but he's not being 'selfish' by not wanting to be stepdad to your three little kids. When you've had your own family and they've grown and flown the reality of going back into the trenches with primary-age kids isn't what most people want. He's been honest and he's tried and from what you've said he has REALLY tried. Many stepdads don't read to their partner's kids or do homework with them. My stepdad certainly never did! Wanting a relationship with another adult isn't the same as being prepared to take on their DC. Sometimes love, on its own, isn't enough.

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juneau · 28/06/2017 16:05

And I don't think he's been 'playing you'. No one does that for two years, while trying their best to be what you want him to be. It sounds like he's tried his hardest, but the package that you come with is simply not what he wants and, try as he might and love you as he does, being stepdad to three little DC who are are going to tie him to school holidays and only 50% of the time with you doesn't just fit with what he now wants from life, having finished raising his own family. He sounds HUMAN to me!

Mintychoc1 · 28/06/2017 16:14

If you only have the kids half the time, I'm surprised this is a problem for him. I have my kids (8 and 11) all the time, and my 15 month relationship is pretty separate from them really. We sometimes do things all together, but mostly I see my boyfriend in the evenings when they're in bed, and he certainly isn't involved in stuff like homework and bedtime stories.

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 17:37

Juneau thank you. You have said what I want to hear... I have been hoping I am not in denial and just think of excuses for him.

He has been a good man. Just not for me right now.

We are both devastated. He cried for 5 hours on Sunday, so sad.

OP posts:
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