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I've turned into a crazy woman. :/

(42 Posts)
DancingGoose Tue 27-Jun-17 01:26:04

I'm in need of some straight talking.

Background: Came out of a fantastic supportive relationship with a lovely man about a month ago. We live in different countries and after a lot of soul searching, we just haven't been able to find a way to be together which feels right for both of us. It's been devastating, he was my best friend in every way.

2 weeks ago: Went on Tinder as a distraction (hollow laugh). Ended up meeting a man. He seemed keen to get to know each other, (although in retrospect there were red flags). We spent 2 nice evenings and a day together (DTD) after which he cold shouldered me. I tried to be cool about it but have failed miserably and and have since turned into some awful desperate stalkery batshit crazy woman who won't leave him alone and it's getting worse. I actually can't bear myself, the whole thing has exploded inside me and I feel emotionally out of control. I don't know how to stop trying to contact him. I don't trust myself to stop now because I've tried over and over again and keep giving in.

I can blame him a bit for the usual lovebombing and then ignoring me after spending such a nice time together, but I'm not in control of myself and I need to get a grip. He's in my head 24/7.

I blocked him over the weekend to try and get some space but he messaged me from
another number to ask had i blocked him? Gave me a shock and ruined the no contact thing as I just felt back to square one. Then today I was full of resolutions to just leave it but unblocked him and sent him an apology for blocking him confused he hasn't read it although he's been online. God I hate myself right now. Please help me find a way to stop and stick to it.

thestamp Tue 27-Jun-17 01:30:32

Poor you.

Can you go for a long walk without your phone? Get out into nature? That always helps me when I'm obsessing.

Sounds weird but any chance of driving to the coast or a body of water? For some reason staring at open water often helps me get some perspective.

If that's not a possibility, journalling can be really helpful. Just write and write until the feelings die down.

It's all about replacing the texting with something else that's a bit nourishing and not about him.

robinia Tue 27-Jun-17 01:44:37

If he was cold shouldering why would he message?
Have you asked him upfront if he wants to continue? If not, I'd do that once, then block if the answer is negative.
Although you do mention other red flags which may alter my approach.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 27-Jun-17 02:26:51

You need to come to grips that you are transferring all of the hopes you had for a happily ever after with your ex to this man you BARELY KNOW. You don't love this guy, he merely represented a sense of stability and comfort you lost when the relationship with your ex ended.

It's time to get your shit together and regain your dignity. Take off the blinders, block this guy in totality, never contact him again and move on with your life. And stay the fuck off Tinder for a while.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 27-Jun-17 02:31:43

@Aquamarine1029 has it. The feeling aren't his, they're about the relationship you couldn't have. It's far too hard to face your actual loss so you're channeling some of it into this plonker.

Breathe, think about it in little chunks, be kind to yourself and wait before you jump into anything else.

ShatnersWig Tue 27-Jun-17 08:00:17

Sounds to me like you jumped into seeing someone else far too soon after the end of your fantastic supportive relationship with a lovely man

rizlett Tue 27-Jun-17 08:12:16

I agree with pp dancing - it seems like obsessing on the tinder twat is like a displacement activity instead of you taking time to process your feelings following on from your good relationship ending.

DancingGoose Tue 27-Jun-17 09:46:10

Yeah, I've completely underestimated the impact of my last relationship ending and the effect it would have on me.

I didn't want to go into a new relationship - I knew it was too soon for that. But I didn't want a distraction and to get out of the house as I was sitting at home a lot feeling depressed and I didn't think that was too good for me.

I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm really struggling with the knowledge he must think I'm a total loser too. I've felt like I've been caught in some weird power game since I've met him and it's just wrecked my head 😩

DancingGoose Tue 27-Jun-17 09:46:59

did* want

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 27-Jun-17 09:50:35

He shagged you then gave you the cold shoulder.

Stop being a fool!

DancingGoose Tue 27-Jun-17 09:54:44

Yeah sad I don't want that to be the truth because then I feel even more stupid.

Wasn't even a good shag. He couldn't get it up and blamed it on me because I had been 'resisting' him.

Bluntness100 Tue 27-Jun-17 09:57:51

Then why are you chasing him? Shit sex, erectile disfunction, crap communicator, playing games and you're all over it like a rash?

Cmon give your head a wobble. You can do better.

Funnyonion17 Tue 27-Jun-17 09:58:19

This sounds like classic Limerance,. He's also playing a very good game of it too.

Get back on the dating website, distract yourself and probably get some counselling or read a good book about self help for these things.

Oh and your not crazy, your response is common, albeit not healthy!

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 27-Jun-17 09:58:46

We've all been there op but for god sake stop letting him treat you like shit.

In the long run you'll do more damage to yourself.

Just tell him to fuck off.

Thebluedog Tue 27-Jun-17 10:01:08

My mate is on tinder and several equivalent sites, she's had this time and time again, met someone, had a few dates, he seemed really nice and genuine, they DTD and she's not heard from them again.

My advice, if you want a relationship join a decent website and steer clear of the free ones.

As for being the crazy, stalker lady, block him and distract yourself, nothing good will come of it.

anothernew Tue 27-Jun-17 10:09:14

He does sound toxic. You sound addicted. He's like a drug that actually makes you feel worse and you feel like he's the antidote. I would suggest dating but strictly with the purpose of getting to know people with a view to possible relationship in the future when you know them. There's a dating thread when you're ready...

DancingGoose Tue 27-Jun-17 10:17:12

Everyone else I met on a Tinder was completely normal - just a drink and a chat - nice to meet people and I felt completely okay and in control.

This guy showed a disregard for my boundaries at the beginning and instead of walking away (which I KNEW I should but part of me was also fascinated by it) I kept on messaging him. Urgh I hate that I've done this to myself.

DancingGoose Tue 27-Jun-17 10:20:40

Yeah I feel addicted.

I think I'll take a break from meeting people at the moment. I don't feel like I can rely on myself to stick to my own boundaries right now.

troodiedoo Tue 27-Jun-17 10:28:13

The only solution for this addiction is cold turkey. Do you have a good friend you can check in with daily to keep you from contacting this jerk? He must remain blocked. Keep yourself busy with other things. Yes it will be painful, disproportionately so and that makes on sense. But you will get over this and soon will be cringing at the memory of him. Better things await you.

RockyBird Tue 27-Jun-17 10:28:32

Draw a line under it and block.

Odd that he got in touch to ask about being blocked. He sounds a bit sick.

ED then blaming you...what a zero.

NearlyFree17 Tue 27-Jun-17 10:40:09

It doesn't matter if you pay a subscription to the website, it still happens! Did to me anyway.

You need a distraction. Find something you enjoy so much that you can lose yourself in it (not him). For me, its books, I read about 10 Marian Keyes back-to-back recently.

Failing that flush your phone down the toilet (only half kidding).

keepingonrunning Tue 27-Jun-17 10:54:24

Don't do this to yourself. Keep your dignity and ghost him from now on. He's made a chump out of you. You are not the first and you won't be the last. Chalk it up to a learning experience.
Something happens to your hormones when you DTD and you form an emotional bond with the other person in your brain. To break that bond stop contacting him. It will be hard but eventually you will stop thinking about him too.
You know he's not worth a second more of your time or thoughts. Try to focus on nurturing yourself and finding someone who will value you.

keepingonrunning Tue 27-Jun-17 11:03:07

The way to get over him is to picture him laughing his arse off at your needy, irrational behaviour. Oh, the power he can see he has over you.
He is just looking for a reaction from you and a huge ego trip. Don't give him the satisfaction.
You've spotted it yourself; it is a power game. He is deliberately playing you, he knows full well that he has got inside your head with hot and cold tricks. Please do not go within a million miles of this manipulative, toxic person. He has BAD NEWS written all over him. He is probably my XP.

keepingonrunning Tue 27-Jun-17 11:06:02

I recommend identifying your boundaries and crucially, learning to police them too.

dustmotesinthesun Tue 27-Jun-17 11:17:02

With this kind of situation the only thing that works is blocking. It's hard to do and it's hard to understand why you are essentially betraying yourself by being caught up on this guy (you don't want to be feeling this way right?)

Block block block. Keep really busy. Do things for you whether that's a new hobby or a holiday. Lovebomb yourself a bit.

It will pass but only if you make yourself move on.

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