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Relationships

How bad is my mum?

34 replies

Mymumsanighthorse · 26/06/2017 20:47

Short version - my dm is very lovely but also incredibly entitled and often rude. Dh has said he will not tolerate being in the same room as her anymore. Is he over reacting?

Long version - My dm is my closest friend. I will admit she's an absolute fucking nightmare but she's also one of the funniest, cleverest, most generous people I know. Dh has said for several years how embarrassing he finds her behaviour but to be honest I've just kind of laughed it off. I find her behaviour embarrassing too, but she lives hundreds of miles away and most of her antics are heard about second hand and we're not witness to them.

She recently came to stay and was very kindly babysitting dc's so dh and I could have a night away. She decided it would be fun to camp with them in the field at the bottom of our garden. We don't own the field and have a large garden that is perfectly fine to camp in. She then got in a massive argument with the farmer (who is also a chair of ds's school), at 5 in the morning when he dared to try and move his sheep into his own field. When we got home the following morning she told us what happened, I begged her to go and apologise to farmer as I see him regularly and it's fucking embarrassing. She refused and refused to acknowledge she did anything wrong at all.

Dh is now saying he doesn't want to ever have to be in the same room as her again. He says he's put up with her craziness for far too long and wants nothing more to do with her.

I obviously can't force him to spend time with her but she'd be massively hurt if I told her that dh won't see her anymore. But I'll have to won't I?

There are far too many examples of her behaviour over the years for me to list all of them but I do read MN expecting AIBU to be mostly about my dm. One example would be her steadfast believe that her National Trust membership entitles her to access NT properties whenever she likes. I remember plenty of childhood picnics ending in being chased off someone's front lawn. She also writes incredibly long letters to the Guardian, probably 3-4 a week for reasons she has never fully disclosed. She is also incredibly competitive - she turns up at random school sports days and races round the outside of the track (she used to do this at my school sports days too).

How bad would you say she was based on that? Bad bad or just a bit 'eccentric'?

OP posts:
Reow · 26/06/2017 20:48

Reverse?

Mymumsanighthorse · 26/06/2017 20:50

No, not a reverse. Do you mean I'm really my dm or my dh?

OP posts:
booksandcoffee · 26/06/2017 20:53

She sounds like a hoot, but I would not want her as my mother-in-law! Your DP has every reason to be pissed off with her and she really should apologise to the farmer. Doesn't she understand the concept of private property? Perhaps you should take a party of people she does not know into her house without warning.

Lanaorana2 · 26/06/2017 20:56

Wearing. Very wearing for your DH and most of the rest of the planet.

MurielsBottom · 26/06/2017 21:01

Oh god, she sounds awful and I can see why your show wants to stay away. I honestly think you should too!

mydietstartsmonday · 26/06/2017 21:04

Omg this made me laugh a lot. Not the effect you were looking for. Better to have a mad mum then a boring one. Good help the farmer.

TheHiphopopotamus · 26/06/2017 21:05

I'm on your DH's side, if I'm honest. Your mother doesn't amusing at all. She sounds like a pain in the arse.

How do your kids feel about her showing up at sports day and the like?

pitterpatterrain · 26/06/2017 21:09

I would find it really tedious and attention seeking in a negative way tbh

Lordamighty · 26/06/2017 21:11

Your DM does sound eccentric but your DH sounds like a pita.

Mymumsanighthorse · 26/06/2017 21:11

I don't think her behaviour is amusing, she is good, funny company. Sorry should have clarified.

There's no way in hell I'd let her turn up at my dc's sports days! She's scarred me enough for life turning up at mine.

As I say, I know she's a nightmare. It's just hard because her weird behaviour is contrasted with her being a (mostly) lovely mum. Possibly growing up with her behaviour I've learnt to tolerate more than most.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 26/06/2017 21:13

That kind of nonsense would be enough to stop me continuing a relationship with someone. She sounds fucking painful.

AdalindSchade · 26/06/2017 21:15

She needs to apologise to the farmer. She's shown you up to your neighbours and I'm not surprised your DH is furious. That's not nornal behaviour.

PlymouthMaid1 · 26/06/2017 21:16

She sounds madder than a box of badgers and you must love her to bits but I guess it gets exhausting and your dh doesn't have the same bonds. Not sure what to suggest.

TheBakeryQueen · 26/06/2017 21:18

Oh she doesn't sound too bad, and I don't think she has done anything to either of you that warrants you falling out with her.

Life is too short to fall out over this. She sounds lively!

TheHiphopopotamus · 26/06/2017 21:28

Sorry OP, I might have been a bit harsh there.

I think if she was my friend, I might think she was funny but if I was somehow related to her, it would be less amusing. Especially as she won't apologise to your neighbour when she's clearly in the wrong. You're the one who has to deal with the fallout with that one, so I think I'm still in agreement with your DH.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2017 21:57

I would think that she has never apologised to anyone nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. It sounds like her boundaries are pretty much skewed as to be almost non existent.

I would agree with your DH here, her actions are dragging you down by association. You've also stated that you have found her behaviour embarrassing as well. However, its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her this way.

You do not mention your Dad in all this; where is he?

What are your own boundaries like with regards to your mother?

pandarific · 26/06/2017 21:59

Gosh op, that doesn't sound like ordinary behaviour, it's quite extreme. It almost sounds manic depressive, without the depressive. Has she ever been to the doctor about it? What about when she lived with your GPs? I am wondering why no-one seems to have ever picked up on it.

Seeingadistance · 26/06/2017 22:15

Sorry, but I can't stop laughing at the vision of her going to random school sports days and running round to indulge her competitive streak!

But yeah, she does sound a bit wearing and when she's pissing off your neighbours then it's less entertaining.

noitsnotme · 26/06/2017 22:20

It's my sons sports day tomorrow. Can I PM you the address? Grin

Mymumsanighthorse · 26/06/2017 22:23

My dad died when I was young and my siblings and I have put a lot of her behaviour down to this as it was a huge shock at the time. I think she was allowed to get away with acting like this for so long as everyone just thought she'd gone a bit bomkers with grief. I'm the youngest of my siblings and don't remember a time before her doing this though.

My gp's are dead now but they said she was always like this. She had polio as a child and my gma always said that changed her somewhat.

If she's behaving in a way I don't like I just remove myself from the situation and let her get on with it. She refuses to admit she ever does anything wrong and there is absolutely no point in trying to dissuade her from doing anything.

I'm not angry with dh. I know her behaviour is odd and embarrassing.I think I'd always considered her to be my embarrassment though rather than seeing quite how much it upset dh too.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 26/06/2017 22:44

I honestly think she sounds absolutely epic and absolutely hideous in equal measures. I'm stumped with what to say, which isn't something I experience often!! Is there anyway you can keep all the positives of your relationship with her but with a little but of overall distance from her, some damage limitation lol, and maybe an outward show of support and understanding for your DH too...

springydaffs · 26/06/2017 22:55

She may be wearing at times but she doesn't sound malicious. I think nc should be a means of protection from malicious actions and behaviour.

I have to agree your husband sounds a pita. She's your mother, not some random.

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BachingMad · 27/06/2017 06:18

She sounds like a terrific character, eccentric with a kind heart. I expect your DC will have lots of tales to tell about their slightly bonkers granny when they grow up! Still, this is MN, so expect lots of pearl clutching!

I bet that after your 'unorthodox' childhood, you opted for Mr Staid and Boring when you married, so your DM is probably a bit of a shock to DH and it's not surprising they don't get on. Perhaps he can just go and play golf or whatever when she comes round; saying he won't be in the same room as her and telling her this is unnecessary, cruel and petulant. We all have to deal with difficult people and this is your DM and your DC's DGM, so he needs to show some basic respect, for your sake and his children.

I am sure you can smooth things over with the farmer, but maybe don't tell her when the sports days are!

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 27/06/2017 06:30

Hmm....tricky. Your husband dones appear to have over reacted but I also think your mum sounds a bit out if control.

Have fun, yes, but not when it upsets others. Your mum has trespassed, embarrassed her family and appears to show no concept of her actions having consequences. Her inability to back down, accept responsibility or apologise is what I really dislike and would find it very hard to interact with someone like this.

To be honest op, she sounds very selfish.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 27/06/2017 06:33

Thinking about it, and having seen some similar traits in MIL who was also widowed when her children were young, has she spent the past 20odd years without being challenged? It's incredibly hard work raising children in circumstances like that and I do know that MIL doesn't deal with criticism well as she had nobody to 'moderate' her behaviour for so long.

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