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10 replies

mumofthreesmallmen3 · 26/06/2017 17:55

Hi
I will just give a bit of background information, i have been with my partner since i was 17, ten years npw and we have 3 children under 7.
I dont really know where to start but basically want to know veiws on whether i am over reacting or not. My partner is quite hot headed and flys off the handle quickly, he also seems to expect too much from the kids in my view and treats our eldest differently. Our eldest csn be a bit of a handful at times, i can see that but he can also be sensible sweet and well behaved.
I am at my wits end with the way my partner is dealing with him, he gets aggresive, shouts and swears over tiny things. I just cannot stand it anymore, always feel on edge incase my son does even the tiniest thing out of line and all the shouting and swearing starts. I have lost it today when he asked my son not to move the little slide in the garden (all 3 kids were playing a game with it) he moved it one foot over and he flew off the handle calling him a f*ing pr*k and c*t.in my eyes it is disgusting to speak like that to anyone let alone your 7 yr old son and i am ashamed to say its not the first time he has used that language and called names.
Hes always very sorry when he has cooled down, promises never to do it again but it doesn't last long. But i have noticed he trys to blame my son in a way and say well if he listened the first time i wouldnt have to do that which ive obviously had a massive go at him for even trying to make excuses gor it and put the blame onto our son.
Hes not extremely naughty or anything just sometimes we have to ask him more than once or he doesnt always listen straight away. When its just me and the kids he behaves generally good and listens more.
What im asking really is your opinions, i know its wrong, and although he acts sorry it always happens again. My middle son is close to his dad, and he doesnt speak that way to him, he is generally better behaved (akthough i know thats no excuse) so i feel bad for him as when weve rowed before he has been upset and hes a very sensitive child.
It has become so bad that my mum will hardly speak to him now when we was all close before as she hates it too which makes family life quite awkward as i see quite a lot of her. She has had words with him before also. I feel like i cannot be with him anymore as its unfair on my son having to be talked to like that on a regular basis, his home should be happy and by staying with him im not providing a safe home, i really feel like im letting him down. He doesn't have much of a relationship with his dad and is a lot closer to me.
Just wanr some reassurance or opinions if im doing the right thing.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2017 18:09

I would tell him to leave; it will be a lot more peaceful without him.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this man, why are you still there at all?. You met this person too at 17 and thus had no life experience behind you. I think you were targeted by him as well.

Does he talk to you like this?. How are you yourself treated at home?

Your eldest son cannot afford to keep on learning such damaging lessons from his abusive father. You are watching your son being emotionally abused by his dad and it will affect him markedly. Your own relationship with your eldest boy could be affected going forward as well if you do not act because he could well accuse you of putting your man before him. He will hate you for allowing this to happen in front of you. You said it yourself; currently at least you are not providing a safe home.

Your other children are also seeing this awful dynamic being played out in front of them. It will hurt them too as well as you.

Womens Aid can and will help you here, do call them on 0808 2000 247.

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thestamp · 26/06/2017 18:20

Oh love he sounds so horrible! You aren't overreacting! Your DS needs to be protected from his father. So sad to read.

Definitely chat to women's aid. Or police even, I'm afraid. Pretty sure screaming vile abuse at a child (or anyone) is illegal... How absolutely awful for you all

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mumofthreesmallmen3 · 26/06/2017 18:50

He doesnt generally speak to me in a bad way, he has called names before if we have had a row etc but its not a regular occurance with me.

I dont really know why i am here, maybe because im a little bit scared of being on my own, it can be hard work with all 3 on my own and my youngest has a few health conditions which means were in and out of hospital a lot so i need extra support then. After these incidents i do have a big go at him, im not ignoring it etc, he is told why its wrong etc and he apologises to me and our son, he seems sorry and will make a much bigger effort with him playing games talking to him etc when he normally wouldnt, then a few days later will happen again.

Its almost as like he cant help himself, he does know its wrong, but it happens again. Sometimes he can be a good dad which is what makes me doubt myself.

He has offered before to go on a anger management class but it didnt materialise, do you think its worth trying things like that first before i change all of the kids lifes.

He has never hit any of us, i suppose its like emotional abuse and mainly directed at the eldest who can never do right. Im.not sure if the police would take it seriously because he lost his rag and said nasty things but i would like to scare him by them maybe having a word as ir could shock him i dont know.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2017 19:39

"He has offered before to go on a anger management class but it didnt materialise, do you think its worth trying things like that first before i change all of the kids lifes".

In a word no. He does have a problem with anger, your anger if and when you call him out on this behaviour. Also he has never bothered with AM before so why would he do so now?. He will not.

Do not stay with him out of some fear of being alone; the worst thing in life is to stay with someone who makes you feel alone.

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. And he is NOT a good dad, not even within 10 million miles of being one, if he treats any of his children like this. You're also seeing this happen to your son right in front of your very eyes.

Womens Aid will also take you seriously as would the domestic violence unit at the police station. Why not call one of these organisations?

The first step out is the hardest one to take but your eldest child in particular cannot afford to grow up being emotionally abused by his dad. He is looking to you to protect him; you are not doing so currently.

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thestamp · 26/06/2017 20:17

I'm sorry but having a go at the man isn't an adequate response... He is verbally abusing your child. He's committing a crime. You need to protect your child from this man. If SS gets a report of this behaviour and finds out you've done zero beyond telling the man off, they will see you as part of the problem because you failed to protect your son

Please don't put your fear of being a single parent and of your son's wellbeing... Your his mum, you can't allow this man to torture your child like this

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mumofthreesmallmen3 · 26/06/2017 20:34

I do get all that, its just a bit scary to me to be bringing up the three boys with not much help but i understand i have to put them first and get on with it. Its not fair on him and he shouldn't be called names at home, i worry for his self esteem. Its silly really as if he ever laid a finger on ant of us that would be it, but i guess this is just as bad just harder to pin point if you get what i mean. Thanks for your advice.

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mumofthreesmallmen3 · 26/06/2017 20:34

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thestamp · 26/06/2017 22:01

Op did you know that children who are verbally abused tend to actually have worse mental health as adults, compared to kids who are physically abused?

Verbal abuse changes who children believe they are. It makes them believe their parents think they're the lowest of the low....

You don't actually recover from that op...

This situation is much, much, MUCH worse than you seem to think...

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cattychatty · 26/06/2017 22:10

My ex was like that with the eldest and I was constantly tiptoeing around trying to fix issues before he noticed .. he's an ex for this reason he was a black cloud over my sons life and I wish I'd ended it earlier than I did

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mumofthreesmallmen3 · 27/06/2017 09:11

I do know how damaging it is to him, and it breaks my heart. I have asked him to leave as i think it will be a happier house with no name calling and shouting, hopefully he will make a much bigger effort to treat him right when he comes to see the kids, i dont want to drastically change the kids lifes so i have said hes welcome to come and see them after work etc as he finishes early afternoon if he wants to and he will take them out etc some weekends i am just waiting for him to sort out a room/flat for the time being.