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To be concerned but would like help x

(15 Posts)
AnnP1963 Mon 26-Jun-17 16:53:59

Please could you lovely ladies help me and quick as the person who would like help is on way home.
My youngest daughter is a nurse and she has sat a very important test today which i am pleased to say she has passed.
About 15 months ago she met this lad who is a member of the raf he is tall, good looking and very funny and kind. Lots of you will be thinking where is the problem so here it is!
When she goes out with her friends and this has happend on two occasions in the last 15 months he gets very jealous and starts texting her and being akward.
Last weekend he accused her of cheating on him and i can categorically say she did not. She went to her friends house and got some past papers and then went for a drink. He was working. Ther have been lots of occasions she has gone out and he has not behaved like this but i am concerned that this has happend 3 times. He is thoughtful and kind and if she has been at work for a long day he will always make her a dinner and fresh fruit. She was short of money this month and he popped about 20 pouds into her account and she has done this in the past for him. They have the same values too.
She will , i know, ask lots of questions and will go to and fro with what she wants to do. The only thing i have said to her is not to make any rash decisions. In the 15 months they have been going out they have only had about 7 huge rows. She was getting bad headaches when she was on the pill and he supported her all the way with whatever she wanted to do. He encourages her with work and this is why i am so confused as to why of all weekends he would accuse her of something like this. He knew she had a big exam on Monday and she spent most of yesterday crying thank goodness she passed.
My question is how do i act.
do i ignore her?
Do i bring the subect up?
Do i counsel? Although i do not know what to say.
I would hasten to add i did text him this morning but only to let him know the times of her exam and to make sure he left her to revise this morning as i felt this was a priority. The rest of the time i have tried to take a step back and ust talk to my husband with any concerns i have
Please can you help me.

StealthPolarBear Mon 26-Jun-17 16:58:48

He's jealous and controlling

shinershiny Mon 26-Jun-17 17:03:01

Red flags flying, but the best and really only thing you can do is be there for your daughter, listen and keep lines of communication open, don't judge but do gently let her know that that type of behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable.

From your post it sounds like you might be counselling her to not do anything rash, I.e. Not rashly split over this? If so stop that at once. If your daughter feels in any way uncomfortable she must be encouraged to listen to her instincts.

No abuser starts off abusive, otherwise he would never get a girlfriend. It tends to come out slowly.

It would be a good idea for her to talk to him about this behaviour and see how he reacts.

HerOtherHalf Mon 26-Jun-17 17:05:07

He's controlling and her choice is either to sell him her soul or fuck him off and find someone decent. He will just get more controlling and more suffocating over time.

In the 15 months they have been going out they have only had about 7 huge rows

Does that honestly seem something to be applauded to you? 7 huge rows in 15 months? There's no "only" about that. Healthy relationships go for decades and never have any huge rows.

AnnP1963 Mon 26-Jun-17 17:10:18

Sorry i can assure you i have not applauded anything i just didnt want you to think they argue every day. I also ust wanted her to concerntrate on her exam yesterday and revise and when i said rash i meant to leave any discussions until after her exam. Thats all. I am concerned as i would not be on here asking for advice. I am not being defensive i ust wanted you to be clear that i am aabit scared. On the whole he is lovely to her and i am just so confused so i can only imagine what she thinks.

CremeFresh Mon 26-Jun-17 17:14:20

He's controlling and it will probably get worse . I take it your DD is an adult and as such there's not much you can do except support her . If she raises the subject you can then point out that his behaviour is unacceptable .

CremeFresh Mon 26-Jun-17 17:17:14

Have a read of this and see if any of it fits. Don't forget controlling people start off subtlety so he may not be doing all these things (yet).

Rightchoiceat46 Mon 26-Jun-17 17:36:41

It will escalate. He is insecure and has trust issues. It will start to influence her decisions. He won't change. It will get worse.

Rightchoiceat46 Mon 26-Jun-17 17:40:34

Tell her you are worried and that she can always come to you when she needs to and is ready to.

AnnP1963 Mon 26-Jun-17 18:01:12

Ive tried to do that but she thinks im telling her what to do.
You know he is so lovely to her 99% of the time he really is. He would never harm her in any way and talks to her all the time. He is good compnay. I am ust so confused i think its best i just shut up because what ever i say i will probably be wrong. I think i will let my husband deal with her. He will be home soon so i think its bbest to leave it up to him. The added problem is they should be going on holiday in 5 weeks time. Its all they have talked about and the pair of them are ust so excited. I just feel deflated by all of this. I ust feel like an empty vessel. I promise you i am not being melodramtic but you know i have told her all along if you dont want to go out with him then dont. then she will moan about him for a couple of hours then she will be talking about babies and marriage. I feel like my head is being totally messed with and its not fair. She has alot of growing up to do to and even though there are things he has done that i dont approve of . I also dont approve of the way she messes with her and her dads heads!

shinershiny Mon 26-Jun-17 18:08:05

The really hard part for you, as someone who loves her and wants the best for her and to help, is to accept that as you say any attempt to influence things will likely drive her away, and ultimately make her more vulnerable. Neither you nor your DH need to deal with anything unless she asks you to.
You both need to be there for her, make sure he doesn't isolate her from you. If that means accepting him on the face of it so be it. But just make sure she always knows she can turn to you at any time, about anything.

My poor parents spent over 10yrs observing my car crash of a controlling abusive relationship unfold. The one time my mum tried to tell me it was no good and I should leave I'm afraid it drove me away from her and stopped me confiding for many years.

She almost immediately stepped back from that approach but the damage was done. But throughout it all I knew they would support me, whatever I chose, and ultimately when I saw the light I turned to them.

I'm so sorry, I realise this will be really hard to hear.

AnnP1963 Mon 26-Jun-17 18:22:44

Thank you for your message. I am sitting herre now staring at the computer feeling like a huge lump. I never thought pareting would bring you down to such alow because you feel so helpless. But thats exactly how i feel. On the one hand i would like her to give it one go as i know everyone deserves another chance but on the other hand i listen to your advice and think slightly differently. Basically i ust feel pissed off what ever i do i am always always wrong. If i talk things through with my husabnd he says im interferring but i dont go any further thatn him and i am ust offloading and that it. I dont go talking to her about it and i certainly dont go talking to him today was the first time i have sent a text and that was to tell him the times of her exam so he didnt phone her or text her. I just thought i was being sensible be now i just think i am just the family punchbag!

Rightchoiceat46 Mon 26-Jun-17 18:47:46

I feel for you. You will be the first she turns to when and if she needs support.

shinershiny Mon 26-Jun-17 19:27:20

Ann - how is your own relationship with your husband? It's quite concerning that his response to you raising very valid and reasonable worries about how his daughter is being treated is dismissed by him as 'interfering'. Why do you feel like the family punching bag?

AnnP1963 Tue 27-Jun-17 19:17:10

I honestly do whenever anything goes wrong in this house im the one who takes all of the brunt. You know i try to help everyone and be kind to everyone but when i talk to him, his stock answer is dont get involved! If i am offloading onto him i just do not understand how i am getting involved!!! Surely it is better to rant in the confines of your marriage than to put everyting onto your kids. I don't know, the long and short of this is i am very worried about my daughter. She loves this boy with all of her hear and he is a nice boy i just think on this occasion he has been stupid. We have all done stupid things in our lives and it is very hard to admit this but i can guarantee this is the case.

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