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Why does he say to stay when he wants me to leave?

(75 Posts)
Wombatwombat Mon 26-Jun-17 16:44:45

My husband of ten years told me several weeks ago that he wasn't happy and wanted to be by himself.

He said he would move out but hasn't done anything about it. When I try and make practical arrangements like me moving out of proceeding with a divorce he gets defensive and says let's just stay together then, it's easier.

Why does he do,this?

Adora10 Mon 26-Jun-17 16:47:42

He wants you to know the relationship is over but doesn't want the inconvenience of actually doing a formal split.

Personally if I was you I'd get the ball rolling, what a horrible way to treat someone, is there OW in the shades?

AVY1 Mon 26-Jun-17 16:50:28

Either he isn't really sure what he wants, or he does know what he wants (to be alone) but can't be bothered with the practicalities. That is so unfair and unkind of him.

I would decide what YOU want and how you want to proceed. If you want to move out that's your decision to make. If you want to see a solicitor, go and see one.

It may be easier for him but is it easier for you?

Wombatwombat Mon 26-Jun-17 16:51:32

Thanks adora.
My head knows that's the case but my heart gets excited when he says to stay.

Yes, I'm afraid there may be OW. I've lowered myself to snooping and have found some evidence of this.

StormTreader Mon 26-Jun-17 16:56:42

He wants to sleep with OW while still having you around to cook his dinners and wash his pants, simple.

Adora10 Mon 26-Jun-17 16:57:01

So why are you allowing him to call the shots now; he's obviously hedging his bets if it doesn't work out with OW he's got you on the back burner.

For your own self respect I'd insist on separation; that's not a nice way to treat anyone.

Wombatwombat Mon 26-Jun-17 17:06:17

Thanks Amy, storm and adora.

I have packed my things and am looking at a place tomorrow. But when I tried to sort practical things out this morning my husband said not to leave , we won't split but if I stay he will do as he wants!

He is being really cruel!

AVY1 Mon 26-Jun-17 17:11:53

That is so cruel and nonsensical!

Well done for being strong and going to look at a place! I know it will be tough as this hasn't been your choice but from this point on you can make all of your own choices.

He can't avoid the practical things forever (although he may try)

I hope the place is nice!

flowers for being brave

WaahImTellingTheDorchester Mon 26-Jun-17 17:15:35

The words Oh Shut The Fuck Up spring to mind.

The finances are the only thing to concentrate on - don't leave without sorting that! Is it your joint house? Is your name on everything?

Beware and make sure you aren't stitching yourself up by leaving.

StormTreader Mon 26-Jun-17 17:16:41

He just wants you as his free maid and housekeeper, he wont help you with any of the practical stuff at all because its in his interests to keep you living in the house. Expect him to be difficult and sulk because hes not getting his free maid service any more.

Wombatwombat Mon 26-Jun-17 17:23:53

Thanks all.
I have got copies of his bank statements etc. I have stopped cooking/cleaning/washing for him.
He stays out till late, drinking, comes home late and pretty much ignores me.

It's so frustrating as I want to try and sort out the practical stuff but he so resistant.and of course I want to work things out so when he says to stay it's hard not to fall for it even though he is being an twat.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Mon 26-Jun-17 17:29:31

There's one thing that you can do to make this stop and that's to refuse to play his game. Kick him out or leave. It's already over. He sounds like a git anyway.

Wombatwombat Mon 26-Jun-17 18:48:15

What can I say to get him to engage with the separation process?

Ginlovinglady Mon 26-Jun-17 20:05:31

Kick him out will be the only thing
Just think, if the ow was willing to have him he'd probably be gone. So there is probably a reason he hasn't gone yet and it's to do with her more likely.
Which is pretty sad, that he's just using you.
Don't let him. Take control

Wombatwombat Tue 27-Jun-17 09:09:27

I'm finding this so difficult- I think I'm ready to leave but when is says to stay I am desperate to do so. I love him and so t seem to be able to disconnect. I want to message him and tell him I want us to be together. I'm so so sad.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 27-Jun-17 09:14:13

Leave while you have the emotional strength. Living like this will chip away at your self confidence. The more shit you put up with, the more shit you'll put up with. flowers

Ginlovinglady Tue 27-Jun-17 09:14:28

Wombat it's a shitty feeling. I'm so sorry. You can't just stop loving someone
But you can treat yourself well
You could go round and round like this for years and still have the same outcome

You need some space of your own to work out what you want more than anything.
Him pushing and pulling you in very cruel and selfish, he is not looking after you

hellsbellsmelons Tue 27-Jun-17 09:14:42

Stop doing the 'pick me' dance.
He won't know loss until he feels it.
Get out and get away from him.
He's having his cake and eating it right now.
It will be hard but you can do this!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 27-Jun-17 09:17:15

he gets defensive and says let's just stay together then, it's easier.

Easier for him, obviously. What do you get out of this?

Loopytiles Tue 27-Jun-17 09:19:59

Yes, don't play the "pick me dance". Assume you're in separate bedrooms?

Don't leave before getting legal advice about your shared property and investigating financial stuff.

If it'd help, tell friends and family (and H's family) that the relationship is ending due to his wishes and infidelity.

ConfusedNoMore Tue 27-Jun-17 09:20:50

Do you have children? Be aware that although moving out may be a sensible option for your own well being, if he is not willing to be reasonable, getting your share of the assets and finances sorted is hard work.

I had same with my ex husband. There was abuse involved so I know that my renting elsewhere was only option but he very much thought he could move into spare room, shag who he liked and I'd just be the housekeeper and childcarer.

Sushi123 Tue 27-Jun-17 09:21:21

Wombat, you seem very level headed. I'm sure you have a lovely bright future ahead of you, best of luck xx

Lovemusic33 Tue 27-Jun-17 09:21:37

Just pack and leave when he's out, you don't need to discus it with him. Take control, at the moment he thinks he has control, you need to turn it around and call the shots. Walk out and start again without him, he sounds like a man child.

Teddy6767 Tue 27-Jun-17 09:24:30

Sounds like he's playing mind games with you. He doesn't want to be with you but he's also scared of the upheaval that will come by you leaving. He basically wants to have his cake and eat it - have you around like 'normal' for a bit of stability, but also have the excuse of "oh but I told you ages ago that it was all over between us" when you eventually find out he's shagging other women.
He sounds like a mean person with little respect for your feelings so you should definitely try and find as much inner strength to leave him

expatinscotland Tue 27-Jun-17 09:25:19

Before you do anything, see a solicitor. I wouldn't leave, he'd have to go first. Forget about seeing places, see a solicitor. This is how you get him to 'engage in the separation process'. He's not staying out late drinking, he's staying out late shagging his side chick. As soon as she gives him the green light to mooch over at hers, he's gone.

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