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The doubts are creeping in

(9 Posts)
whatsmyname2017 Mon 26-Jun-17 14:13:58

So have posted previously. Broke up with ex a few months back and he moved out 4 weeks ago. It was an awful time as his Mum was terminally ill (and has since passed away).
Since he left I've gone through the grieving process of the relationship and have felt pretty horrendous generally. I know it was all the right decision etc but obviously we were together a long time so was never going to be easy.
Unfortunately his brother passed away yesterday which is awful so soon after his Mum. The guilt is unbearable as I just keep thinking how awful he must be feeling. I know he's not happy about the split and he now has double grief to contend with too.
I thought I was getting to a better place but this has set me back really badly. I've been teary today and starting to wonder what the hell I've done? Was it really that bad after all? Am I really better off on my own? Part of me wants to reach out to him to make it all better.
Deep down I know the answer to all this but I guess I'm just looking for some encouraging words.
I know 100% I couldn't take him back now. He can't change and things would be back here again before I know it. AND I could not do that to the DC.

XJerseyGirlX Mon 26-Jun-17 14:17:22

I know 100% I couldn't take him back now. He can't change and things would be back here again before I know it. AND I could not do that to the DC.

Your statement above says it all. Its not your doing im assuming.. this is his. Your perfectly entitled to be happy and not stay with someone out of guilt. Hope your ok OP x

Adora10 Mon 26-Jun-17 14:18:49

You only feel like this because he's had it rough and you feel sorry for him; that's nothing to do with the reasons you split and I think you know deep down taking him back would be going backwards.

whatsmyname2017 Mon 26-Jun-17 14:21:56

Its happened before. We broke up a few years back and he promised the earth so I took him back. I think his changes lasted a month at the most.
Taking him back would be the worst decision ever. It might curb my guilt for a while, but then I'd be back to square 1 again when he started driving me nuts.
I'm just having a bad day! x

StormTreader Mon 26-Jun-17 14:49:01

None of your reasons for taking him back are to do with what you want, theyre all you feeling sad that he is feeling sad. Don't take on responsibility for his feelings, he will feel sad and then he'll get through it.

NewLevelsOfTiredness Mon 26-Jun-17 14:54:01

There's a weird thing we do to ourselves called "Euphoric Recall" where our minds struggle to remember the negative things and focus on the positive memories. It's a right shit when you've just split up and they want you back.

My girlfriend gave her sister a list of the reasons for her leaving her ex, and when she had these moments would phone her to hear them, because the mixture of guilt and stress over the upheaval for their kids seemed to make her mind reject the many, many excellent reasons she had for breaking up with him.

Just saying smile

FinallyHere Mon 26-Jun-17 15:05:29

Sounds like you really know the answer but somehow don't want to be the bad guy, hence feeling guilty.

Start focussing on what he was like when you were together, how well did he treat you? Thought not. It's a pity that he is having all this extra stress, but.... if he had treated you well, you would be going through it together. Sounds as if he doesn't really deserve that. Stay strong.

Angeldt Mon 26-Jun-17 18:50:18

It is not your place to heal him. He is an adult and it's awful he has had a fair bit of loss in his life but you are not the person to take away his pain. If you are still in contact by all means send a ' Sorry to hear about ....... ' text. But leave it at that. Remember he is you ex for a reason. It's best left as it is.

Whatsmyname2017 Mon 26-Jun-17 22:54:59

Of course you are all right. He didn't treat me well (or the kids for that matter) so I need to focus on that when the guilt kicks in.

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