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Final straw

(75 Posts)
Ditot Mon 26-Jun-17 12:45:06

Sorry if this is long don't want to drip feed.

My DH has family all over the world. Whenever they come to the UK we always host at our house.
This is mainly because his parents house is a tip. Although they have lots of money and a huge house his mum is a hoarder.

His brother has a partner and a lovely 3 bed house but refuses to host as he is always so busy with his v important jobhmm

His family, especially his father treat me like a second class citizen and it is just expected that I will do as I'm told.
I get utterly sick of hosting all the time but as it's normally for one day I just get on with it.

I have now found out that his cousin is sending his 19year old son over for 3 weeks . I told my DH that we cannot accommodate him here. We have a 12 year old DD who is very shy and we only have 1 bathroom.
We don't really know this boy and I think it will be uncomfortable for her and me to have him stay.
We also have DS 15 who is going through typical teenage stuff at the moment and is constantly falling out with DH.

So the plan was for him to stay at PIL house as BIL will not entertain the idea.
DH said yesterday after coming back from PIL that the house is still in a tip and MIL is getting stressed over the boy stating.

He said that he doesn't think there us any other option than for him to stay at ours.
I was so upset as I think this may have been the plan all along.

I feel that I have no say in anything and we already have other cousin staying this week for 6 days (which I have only just been told about)
I told DH that his brother needs to step up but he won't. DH is making out that I am totally wrong and can't see why this is a problem for the boy to stay.

I am on ADS for anxiety and depression and I really feel stressed by this.
Would appreciate opinions am I wrong?
How do I deal with this?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 26-Jun-17 13:06:42

You stand up for yourself.
Just like his brother does.
You say absolutely no way can you do this.
And if he insists you will be moving out for 3 weeks with your DD and leaving them to it.

Piratesandpants Mon 26-Jun-17 13:08:27

Just as Hells said...

Ditot Mon 26-Jun-17 13:15:10

But do you think I am wrong for not wanting the boy to stay?
He seems to think that I am overreacting

tribpot Mon 26-Jun-17 13:17:27

Yep, I'm will hells on this. If it comes to it, move out to a hotel, which will cost more than if the 19 year-old went to stay in one. I cannot fathom the rudeness of being told that a cousin is sending someone to live with you - for three weeks - who does that??

If your DH won't stand up his family, let him do the hosting. Enjoy your break!

Rinkydinkypink Mon 26-Jun-17 13:19:42

You are not wrong. Your putting your own childrens mental well-being and the needs of your direct family over the expectations of your in laws.

Nothing at all wrong with that! It's time your pil or bil started to help our a bit! Stick up for yourself!

haveacupoftea Mon 26-Jun-17 13:26:39

It's not as though it's just one visit from a relative that you're saying no to though, this has been ongoing for years, your husband and his family taking you for granted. Where does it end? You need to stand up for yourself now or you're going to end up a slave to this family, and when PIL get old and need care someone will need to go round to the shit tip to look after them and it'll just be presumed you'll do it because you never say no.

You don't even need to give a reason why you don't want the boy to stay. BIL doesn't.

Augustbabyyeah Mon 26-Jun-17 13:31:00

Yes it's time to take a stand. You're in the right over this 100%, so if DH won't listen check out and leave him to it.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 26-Jun-17 13:33:44

But do you think I am wrong for not wanting the boy to stay?
No of course not.
You don't even know this boy.
I expect you'll be the one who has to entertain him and feed him, do his washing, etc.....
You do not have the space.
It's a NO - simple as that.
Don't explain it away.
As they say on here - NO is a complete sentence.
Don't be bullied.
Time to start standing up for yourself.

PassiveAgressiveQueen Mon 26-Jun-17 13:34:41

It doesn't really matter if you are in the right, what matters is that you don't want it and your husband is ignoring you and trying to emotionally blackmail you.

Is this the first time you have said no in how many years?

thatdearoctopus Mon 26-Jun-17 13:36:51

Your dh doesn't get to decide how you feel about it. You've said no. That's enough.

Ditot Mon 26-Jun-17 13:42:15

Thanks for confirming that I'm not overreacting.
I am really so stressed by it.
Moving out for 3 weeks is not an option (I wish I could.)
Yesterday he said the boy stating at his mums mat cause her to have a heart attack.
It doesn't help that FIL is verbally abusive to her. It wouldn't be a nice place for the boy to stay but I really don't think that is my problem.
I told him to sort it out with his brother.
He said even if the boy stays at his mum's we will need to have him over at the weekends.
I feel so low about it all sad

MyheartbelongstoG Mon 26-Jun-17 13:47:07

Your husband will never say no so you have to start.

I'd email his parents and say sorry, not possible and attach some local bnb, hotels.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 26-Jun-17 13:53:03

Will your dh be off work the weeks he is asking to stay?? Sounds like mil needs a skip and an extra pair of hands to get organised for her visitor. Send dh over there. . .

picklemepopcorn Mon 26-Jun-17 14:07:12

Tell him you are not well enough. You are on ADs, you don't need the hassle of accommodating a stranger in a house without enough bathrooms. Tell DH he is being selfish to prioritise his mother and cousin over his daughter, son and wife.

XJerseyGirlX Mon 26-Jun-17 14:13:25

You need to be more like BIL
Why is your husband happy to say your in the wrong but not approach his brother?
Your husband is being less than supportive , you need to set a president and stick up for yourself

SparklyMagpie Mon 26-Jun-17 14:17:41

I'd tell him he can sod off then and find somewhere to stay with his cousin's son. Also sounds like your son could do with a break from his dad if they've been having issues.

Stand your ground OP

Hermonie2016 Mon 26-Jun-17 15:28:32

Your husband is probadly the peacemaker in the family so he's trying to do what he usually does and cover up for his dysfunctional family (to his wider worldwide family).

He is likely to be so ingrained in this role that he can't see your needs.You by default are an extension of your husband's role so to keep the peace they want you to go along with it.

Where would the boy sleep if you only have 3 bedrooms?

Are you a sahm? Does Bil's partner work? I can also see that they will assume you are setup to house teens even if space limited.

I appreciate you are upset and feel put upon but I think this is a tricky problem to solve.I wouldn't send the poor lad to pil if they are that toxic.

Ideally bil should step up but no one can force him.Your H is likely to want to give a positive welcoming image to his external family so will discount your concerns.I doubt it's done maliciously just from his deep sense of misguided duty.

Ditot Mon 26-Jun-17 16:53:03

Thank you Hermonie for putting a different spin on it.

We do have a spare bedroom but the problem is only 1 bathroom . It's a nightmare in the mornings as it is with two teens getting ready.
I am a SAHM.
BIL & SIL both work.

I think my main issue is why should I be the one to host?
I'm not treated very well by in laws so why should I put myself out?
The boy is doing work experience so will be out most of the day.
My anxiety is through the roof.
I just think it will open the floodgates and every time someone wants to stay it will be at our house.
I have already had a niece here for 3 weeks.
But that was ok as she is really close to my DC but it was still a strain.
Other nephew was over for 3 months recently and although he stayed at in laws he came to us every weekend (sat and got pissed with DH mostly )
Every weekend for 3 months and BIL didn't have him for 1 night.
I just feel like I've had enough and DH cannot see the stress it is causing me .

picklemepopcorn Mon 26-Jun-17 17:21:06

As he can't see it, you need to tell him/show him. Stop putting a brace face on it. Let him know how distressing you find it.

lanouvelleheloise Mon 26-Jun-17 17:22:32

I really REALLY can't see any reason why his mother and other relations are allowed to be "stressed" by guests and you are not.

His family are treating you appallingly.

But, as so often on here, the real problem is your DH's attitude.

Butterymuffin Mon 26-Jun-17 17:32:21

Yes, it's a DH problem. Tell him if he doesn't listen this time, there will be no more co operation over future stays. You won't be hosting anyone else even for a day. And if he insists on cousin coming, you won't be doing anything towards it, cooking, laundry etc. It is all on him. Really it's his brother's turn.

tribpot Mon 26-Jun-17 18:14:02

Butterymuffin the trouble is it will always be 'next time, next time'. OP was sandbagged this time so it's not as if she gets a chance to say no. These situations are deliberately engineered to make it impossible for her to refuse.

It needs to be this time, otherwise nothing will change.

I simply could not tolerate other people being in the house that much, OP. And my house is bigger with fewer residents in it. Why can't you move out? (Cost, I assume - your DH should fund it since he won't stand up to his family). What about just vacating at weekends?

AlternativeTentacle Mon 26-Jun-17 18:25:00

Yesterday he said the boy stating at his mums mat cause her to have a heart attack.

Yes husband, and it might cause me to have a divorce.

Augustbabyyeah Mon 26-Jun-17 19:04:11

You really have to stand up for yourself on this and say to DH that it's not happening. Tell him you'll divorce him if it does and make sure he knows you mean it.

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