Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've just lost the one person who made life bearable

(16 Posts)
PremierDin Sun 25-Jun-17 23:35:45

I've only ever had one good relationship in my life, this man was everything to me and I ruined our relationship by pushing him away. I've lived to regret it for the two years since I broke up with him.

Shortly after I met someone else who has been a bandage for the grief I felt after losing my ex. He wasn't particularly nice to me and we never had a 'real' relationship but we were close. Spoke every day and saw each other often. I thought I'd fallen in love with him even though I knew he was wrong for me. We broke up last week and it's like all my old wounds have been opened again.

I can't stop thinking about my ex and what I've lost. The life I wanted so much and that he has with someone else now. It's been so long that I know he doesn't think of me.

Now I just feel lost and the loneliest I've ever felt in my life. I don't have many friends and I've managed to lose the one person who I could lean on, even though he wasn't good for me. It filled that void and now all I can see is emptiness.

I'm left thinking about all my mistakes, the terrible choices I've made in life and how I always end up facing them alone.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to put my feelings down in black and white. I feel like a lost cause

MollyWantsACracker Sun 25-Jun-17 23:47:18

Gather yourself.
Be very, very kind to yourself.

This can be the best thing ever for you.

LanaDReye Sun 25-Jun-17 23:48:54

You are going through grief and it's painful like your heart has been ripped out and grated . You need to give yourself some time to go through this and accept it will feel horrible for some time. If you try to rush grief or cover it up which you feel you have been doing then it takes longer to get through it. I would recommend crying, venting and accepting help. Then start to look forward to a different future.

PremierDin Sun 25-Jun-17 23:53:47

Thank you for your kind words. It's been 2 years now though. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this.

I did grieve for him somewhat at first and the guy I just broke up with had similar issues about his ex so we kind of helped each other face it. I saw a counsellor for a few months but didn't help much. It brought up more painful thoughts

I can't cope with the regret. It's the most awful feeling sad

Notmyrealname85 Sun 25-Jun-17 23:54:35

flowers please don't be so hard on yourself, it really does sound like you're grieving for that relationship and your heart is under strain. Take a whole month to try an initial recuperation - only do things for you, treat yourself and hunker down if necessary. Treat yourself as you would that loved one, be kind and gentle as it sounds you are really in a bad patch.

Do remember ... maybe there was a reason for you acting out (if you did) with the first man. Maybe it wasn't really right, as lovely as he was. That one good man isn't necessarily the man for you, no matter how sweet and kind he was.

Perhaps you feel you won't meet another man and this has bought on panic about the first man? You absolutely will find someone else, you just need to find the right person. And in the meantime be kind to yourself flowers

Notmyrealname85 Sun 25-Jun-17 23:56:28

As you say, it does sound like a delayed reaction as the second man acted as a handy buffer for a while. It still sounds like a terrible shock, but the strength of feeling now doesn't mean you will feel this in future - you're just truly getting your head around it for the first time

HeddaGarbled Mon 26-Jun-17 00:19:03

I think most of us have been devastated by the break up of a relationship with someone we loved. I certainly have.

You have been unlucky in that the next guy who came along turned out to be a tosser. But that doesn't mean that there won't be other men who won't be tossers.

But, forget about men for a bit. I think you've fallen into that classic female trap of thinking your life is only complete if it has a man in it.

It's actually OK to only have a few friends. We don't all live like characters in Friends and all those people on Facebook with their besties and huns aren't always entirely honest about the realities of their lives.

Are you working? I strongly believe that having a satisfying career is the best way to maintain your self esteem.

And some counselling may be useful. It may just be that the counsellor you saw before didn't suit you. I do think that you need to explore why you are self blaming so strongly.

cheapskatemum Mon 26-Jun-17 00:58:00

Just wanted to say that counselling does tend to bring out the sadness, but that's as a means to an end and it's "better out than in", so second PP who suggests giving it another go.

Best wishes, OP flowers

PremierDin Mon 26-Jun-17 12:56:36

You're right Hedda, I've always been in that trap though. However much of a feminist I believe I am, I still feel like a failure for not being able to have a good relationship with a man.

I have a career that I've worked hard for. It is rewarding however it's very lonely not having anyone to share my day with, have plans for the long lonely weekends. I feel invisible to the outside world and if I don't matter to my ex then I do t matter to anyone. I know I have huge issues with self esteem.

I don't think my counsellor was right for me. She shared too much of her own past with me which was similar to mine and would cry during our sessions.

I've been unhappy for most of my life and even when I find brief reprieve from that, I ruin it by pushing people away.

I just don't think I'm cut out for life to be honest

cheapskatemum Mon 26-Jun-17 17:34:53

That doesn't seem right at all, the counsellor crying in sessions, do please go to your GP for a referral to a different one, particularly in the light of your last sentence. Life can be tough. I find my faith really helps get me through, it's helped my self esteem too, but I know it's not for everyone. Do keep posting flowers

Ginlovinglady Mon 26-Jun-17 20:32:14

Your counsellor does not sound good. Telling you about her experiences if they might help you is one thing but crying in a session is very odd.
You sound like me in that you don't feel that you're worth anything and I feel like I've fucked up every relationship, but I am trying to work through those feelings
You need to find someone to help you through this and to gain your self esteem back
No one is not cut out for life.
You can build your life up, you need to fight for it though.
Get a decent therapist, it won't be easy but if you want to fight for your life then it will be hard work, but just think how worth it, it will be in the end.

PremierDin Tue 27-Jun-17 20:25:20

She was a private therapist and I couldn't really afford to go but hoped it would help so it would take months to go in the NHS waiting list. I started taking AD's early this year which take the edge off and help me function better but I still have terrible down days.

I know that a lot of the poor relationship choices I've made link back to my abusive father. I just don't think therapy can undo all that.

My ex (the one who I just broke up with) text me tonight with a link to a song and asked me how I was. I have no idea how to interpret it at all. Here's the link

We agreed not to talk anymore as he wanted to stay friends but I said I couldn't. He'd blocked me up until today so not really sure what to make of it confused

Ginlovinglady Tue 27-Jun-17 20:49:37

Looks like fucking manipulation to me
Knows exactly how to press your buttons

If you left for a reason that he wasn't right for you then he's just reeling you back in
I've also got a thread about a similar situation.
Don't know what to say other than ignore it, but I know how hard that is.

Ginlovinglady Tue 27-Jun-17 20:50:30

And find another therapist.
They're not all right for you! But it's a job and you can find one that fits you exactly

PremierDin Wed 28-Jun-17 08:25:42

Thanks Gin, I replied like an idiot and he just said it means he misses me. He sounded pretty down so I think he wanted me to comfort him. He wants all the benefits of being in a relationship with me but none of the commitment.

I just said I can't speak to him again until I'm over him completely and he agreed to leave me alone.

This sucks sad

Ginlovinglady Wed 28-Jun-17 10:03:23

Don't beat yourself up about it. I and many others would have done the same
At least you reiterated how you felt.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: