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feeling unequal & inadequate jusf beacause im on mat leave

(34 Posts)
user1498420617 Sun 25-Jun-17 21:45:29

My Dh works hard and earns alot of money, he's always had an issue about money and we have our own accounts whixh is fone as i dont want to feel like hes watching what I spend. The issue is I've just begin my 4th month of mat leave where I now get stat pay and he's not helping me pay my side of the bills! I can pay everything with mat pay apart from the food shop and any extras. I feel guilty when I ask for £10 to go for a coffee at a soft play. He gives me the money by then jokes about the fact I have none and always reminds me he's paid for things. it's quite hard as I've always been finaniaclly dependant but him being like this is making me question the type of person I've been with for the past 5 years. what would you do?

Piratesandpants Sun 25-Jun-17 21:47:50

What did you agree beforehand?
Consider charging him the going rate for childcare?

AceholeRimmer Sun 25-Jun-17 22:18:02

That isn't a marriage. Any money is family money, it's about teamwork and supporting each others roles.

pinkyredrose Sun 25-Jun-17 22:35:40

How much does he earn?xx

wouldthatitwere Sun 25-Jun-17 22:36:30

in a similar boat.. myself and dp paid the same amount to my df for our room (not df's house he rents a room too) but as soon as I went on mat leave he just carried on paying his half of rent and bills. I felt like I lost all my power as had very little money and am now in a position where I owe my df shit loads of money. You need to nip this bullshit in the bud before you find yourself lacking in enough self esteem to do something about it..

LouieLou2013 Sun 25-Jun-17 22:40:39

Why do people not agree this before the baby arrives?

We used to go 50/50, now it's pooled money. Started this when I was pregnant and we were saving. With bills like childcare ietc it much easier to sort with shared money than it is with single accounts

StealthPolarBear Sun 25-Jun-17 22:43:29

If you've always been dependent on him has he just started this behaviour since your maternity leave?

WorkingBling Sun 25-Jun-17 22:47:31

Ffs. Start charging him for childcare then. It's completely ridiculous. Yes, he's paying. So that YOU can look after your (plural) baby.

These questions infuriate me. And sadly I k ie people irl who have similar "discussions" with their Dh's

timeisnotaline Sun 25-Jun-17 22:48:41

I pay £1600 a month for Childcare. As you are providing childcare round the clock, not just 8 till 6, suggest you take your local childcare fees and suggest he pay you double. Seriously, you need him to see the value (and the cost) of what you are doing. Two things you need to do are 1. Have him take the baby more, not just for fun but nappy changes, trips out (where he packs the bag), 2am cuddles etc. And 2. Tell him how you feel, and what his friends would think if they knew you had to ask for money for a coffee because you are taking care of his baby. Also stop doing anything else for him just because you're at home if he is like this!

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 25-Jun-17 22:50:13

You need to have a full and Frank discussion with him - preferably you'd have had this conversation before the conception, but obviously it's too late now! You are supposed to be a partnership and there are thousands of threads on here about women who go on maternity and then lose the footing In both their relationship and their careers. Don't let it happen to you.

StealthPolarBear Sun 25-Jun-17 22:54:11

Time presumably he should only be responsible for half the cost or time investment in bringing up their child. Op can't have it both ways!

Parker231 Sun 25-Jun-17 22:59:30

If you're on maternity and obviously not getting a salary, why doesn't he give you access to his bank account? You should both have the same personal money each month which does not include anything household or baby costs related as he currently should be paying all that.

PippaFawcett Sun 25-Jun-17 23:52:26

My friend is in a very similar position and has even gone overdrawn to get the food shopping in and her husband earns £££. I have tried explaining that she needs to have some serious financial discussions with him about pooling money, but she just says he wouldn't have it. I would leave in a similar position as I'm not going to go cap in hand to the father of my child for money for playgroup.

But, having said that it is another reason I would NEVER give up work and become financially dependent on DH or any man.

AceholeRimmer Mon 26-Jun-17 09:03:46

I can't believe how many men do this. You're a family for fucks sake! How can a dad let the mum struggle to pay for things the kids need? Or let her have a much smaller amount of spending money? Men who do this are cunts. Sorry for the sweariness but I just don't get it.. everything should be shared. It straight away puts you on equal footing.

Cakescakescakes Mon 26-Jun-17 09:05:56

I am always amazed at these situations. I just can't imagine being married to someone who is so mean with money.

pog100 Mon 26-Jun-17 09:09:57

I agree totally with Acehole and I'm a man and father. You can't let this go on, it's ridiculous.

Quadrangle Mon 26-Jun-17 09:15:02

He sounds a mean spirited bastard.

NerrSnerr Mon 26-Jun-17 09:37:37

Have you spoken to him about this? You really should have equal access to money. It is scary how many people seem to live like this. Did you discuss it before the baby arrived?

2014newme Mon 26-Jun-17 09:40:20

Ffs why dp people marry these idiots let alone have babies with them.
All income should be shared. Hrs financially abusing you. You'd be better off without him.
Don't have more kids with this lame excuse for a man.

sleepyhead Mon 26-Jun-17 09:42:19

You need to bill him for childcare.

He's being ridiculous and clearly only equates the accrual of money with work, hence he needs to understand that you're working for the family now so he had to pay his share and not freeload as he's been happily doing for 4 months.

What a loser.

StealthPolarBear Mon 26-Jun-17 09:55:53

Half the childcare

Quadrangle Mon 26-Jun-17 10:14:43

You need to have a frank discussion with him. Ask him if he sees no value in you caring for your three month old baby as a contribution to the family. He is acting as if he thinks the only contribution of any value to a family is money. If he confirms that that is indeed what he thinks you will know where you stand.

user1498420617 Mon 26-Jun-17 10:38:08

Hi thanks for all your comments. Just to clarify I meant to say I've always been financially independent. Maybe this is why we both find it a bit difficult. I hate having to rely on someone else for money but your right wer a family. He's always been quite tight but as the years have gone on he's become more reasonable and will pay for holidays or weekends away. I how very low outgoings so i kind of thought i would get by so mayne parr of it is my fault as i alwags want to do it myself and not ask him but then that has added to the problem and now its come to ahead.he has a selfish streak and I think he doesn't even realised he should be supporting me more when he has at least 4 times as much money coming in. I have tried talking to him but at the moment I'm angry so I think I'm going to have to write it out then talk.

2014newme Mon 26-Jun-17 10:50:05

He's a horrible selfish greedy unapprecitive man.

Adora10 Mon 26-Jun-17 11:53:30

What a horrible abusive arsehole; the money is family shared money, or at least it should be; punishing you for being home looking after his child, complete cunt, angry on your behalf, you'd be better off as a single parent and get him to pay maintenance.

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