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Am I wrong to stop him seeing the dc?

(10 Posts)
Aperolspritzer123 Sun 25-Jun-17 18:44:04

I am basically at my wits end with this situation with my ex's behaviour.
In a nutshell I forced him to leave in February after reporting him to the police for emotional abuse that had been going on for the whole of our 20 year relationship. I gave him so many chances and tried so hard to make it work but in the end I started to see and understand the psychological effect this was having on my dc, especially my ds11. He also ramped up the vicious name calling in the last 6 months he was here and also started trying to drive a wedge between me and the dc. He is vile at times.
I have been really reasonable in terms of contact even though my ds has been reluctant to go at times.
Once in April he arrived at the house and refused to leave and I had to call the police who came and removed him - this was all witnessed by my ds. My ds has been on the receiving end of his nastiness several times since he left too. I have asked him so many times not to show his anger towards me in front of the dc but he just doesn't care and he feels entitled to express his feelings. (Quote).
Yesterday there was an incident about which my ex was really angry with me. I went to drop off the dc and he was giving me a lift home. He called me names, he shouted and was aggressive with me (verbally) and he did this grinding his teeth thing that also really scares me. My ds said he now no longer wanted to go with him and saw fit to defend me to his dad which broke my heart.
At one point my ds was crying and saying 'I just want this to end, it's like a circle that won't ever break!!! I want it to end!!!!!!' Over and over.
I have told my ex that I don't want him to see the dc. I want him to guarantee me that he won't verbally abuse me in front of them ever again (or when they're not there too). I don't know what to do. I feel like he only cares about his own feelings and it is seriously affecting our dc especially our son. Would it be reasonable to say he can go for access through the courts or mediation and then at least we could possible draw up some sort of agreement to that effect?

MrsBertBibby Sun 25-Jun-17 18:48:34

How old are your kids?

MySordidCakeSecret Sun 25-Jun-17 18:49:01

Speak to women's aid or the NCDV and get some advice, you may be able to get an injunction like I have to stop this threatening behaviour. As for your son if he doesn't want to see him again then I would stop contact but be prepared for court, it will go against you if you're seen as being unreasonable. I would recommend speaking to an agency and getting some advice.

Aperolspritzer123 Sun 25-Jun-17 18:53:00

My ds is 11 now and our dd is 4. Yes I will speak to them but afaik I can't get an injunction unless I go through the police which would mean him getting charged. If I did it privately it would cost thousands as I have already tried this.. I am not entitled to legal aid. I am so worried about my ds. Ex is so manipulative and will emotionally blackmail him at any opportunity. He even started crying to him today (never cried in front of dc ever) because he wasn't seeing them every day - he did fuck all when he did live here!!!

Aperolspritzer123 Sun 25-Jun-17 18:55:14

I have been so reasonable since he left with the access, even letting some stuff go that maybe I shouldn't have (stuff he said that hurt my son). I have bent over backwards to make sure they have a reasonable relationship but he just acts like a complete toddler when he doesn't get what he wants. And he doesn't care who is listening

anothernew Sun 25-Jun-17 19:22:06

Hope these attach...

anothernew Sun 25-Jun-17 19:25:12

And don't worry about him getting charged. You should involve the police. He is responsible for his behaviour, and your son is deeply affected, as are you. This needs to be logged with them. I know it feels hard, but he is making these choices. And you need help. The agencies are fantastic.

thethoughtfox Sun 25-Jun-17 19:26:39

Maybe you need to get him charged.

Aperolspritzer123 Sun 25-Jun-17 19:43:38

Well fortunately I already reported him to them in February but I just didn't press charges, then when he refused to leave in April I rang them again and the officers told me that they read my report from Feb on their way to my house. The April incident was logged too so now that's 2 occasions where I have had to involve them. Back in Feb I covered all bases - I went to my GP and told her, I was referred to a DA programme via them and I have been on the freedom programme course run by WA! I might ring the woman who I had a couple of appointments with who worked through the DA programme to ask her advice.

anothernew Sun 25-Jun-17 19:45:50

I have a friend who did an order by herself using the help on the internet. She said it was fairly simple. There is a rule about when the last incident was reported but I don't know how long it is.

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