Moving on from abusive ex

[Movingononeday]

Bit of a mixed bag this one!

7 years single from psychologically/financially/sexually abusive ex.

I deliberately gained weight when we were together (always been a bit up and down but never this much up), in order to be less attractive, to make him want me less, to make him more likely to want to let me go.

Still see him every weekend and one day midweek due to child contact.

He has taken me through numerous court cases over the children since we split. Its like the abuse has never stopped.

7 years on, I still do not feel free of him. When we split he said he would make life difficult for me. He has now moved on with someone else, which I really could not care less about, but do worry about her (I know not my job, she's an adult too)

Due to the sexual abuse and the psychological abuse I now have a very poor opinion of men. And I think he put that there, he was a 'mind reader' type, used to tell me what I was thinking (generally 50/50 wrong/right) and what men really think. Such as constantly assessing women around them ie big tits etc. Expressed just how little men think of women when they have sex with them ie ball emptiers (he was one classy guy...). Basically, everything to do with women was sex related. No love. No caring. No understanding. Just all about sex. Yes he was chauvinistic and misogynistic. I just cannot get this out of my head at all. I did have boyfriends before him, two abusive, one just wanted a mother figure to take care of him.

And it comes back to my weight now, I want to lose weight for my health (and my feet bloody kill me when I weight this much), but I feel physically ill at the thought of any man looking at me with interest (which they have not done once in 7 years as far as I am aware!) I was attractive, once. I wasn't exactly overwhelmed with offers! But I did get honked at and looked at in the street. I never did like it, but it makes me feel ill it all happening again. This weight keeps me safe I am guessing from that kind of attention.

So in a very long and confused and rambling way...how do I start to move on? How do I learn to feel safe enough to lose some weight? I've not seen a counsellor, childcare and the money to do so are both issues. (So getting counselling on the cheap on mumsnet instead :D )

Tia x

[Tiredbutnotyetretired]

You really should start the healthy eating weightloss for yourself, for thr health benefits and for the sake of your dc. Once you start to take care of your body then taking care of your mind will all become part of that. Do you read? There are plenty of self help books out there which will hopefully help with your issues surrounding the abuse. It sounds as though this guy really got inside your head, you need to take back your power. Good luck, start your journey now and keep a diary of your feelings, usually when you start looking after your body your mood lifts anyway x

[Movingononeday]

Thank you, that helps :) I've had to put myself last for a very long time now, dating back to when I met him, I know its not a healthy way to be but the habit is hard to break. Will google some self help books, any suggestions? Or seen any recommended?

[keepingonrunning]

Have you done the Freedom Programme which progresses on to the Recovery Toolkit programme?

[keepingonrunning]

It might help to remember that you have the right to choose if you wanted to progress a relationship with a man.
You are allowed to choose to be single.
You are allowed to <a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Superflirt-Tracey-Cox/dp/1405300655/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1498387594&sr=1-3&keywords=tracey%20cox&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">flirt if you want to. It can be fun.
You are allowed to put the brakes on if you want to.
You are allowed to suggest progressing things if you want to.
<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Empathy-Trap-Understanding-Antisocial-Personalities-Jane-McGregor/1847092764/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=AWQJRMZRH6JTN2CJJHFR&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Learn about setting <a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-After-Pathological-Relationship-Adelyn/dp/1523368829/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1498387893&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">boundaries and policing them. You need to feel you have control over your life and your choices because, as you know only too well, someone else will take that control if you let them.

[keepingonrunning]

Read this current MN thread too.

[Movingononeday]

Heard of the freedom program, but not done it. I assumed when I split with the ex and determined I was going to wait to meet someone else, then I have waited...for a long time, that I didn't need it. And I've come to realise that I'm stuck in a rut. Will go and look :) thank you

Your second post strikes so true. I started relationships at 16 in a very bad time in my life. What was classed as 'normal' behaviour by men in the 90's is very different to what is allowable now. There was no control then and I was always made to feel bad if I didn't go further 'prick tease' used to really get to me. Basically wanted to please them over my own feelings. Dated people I did not want to date, because I felt too bad about saying no to them and I might hurt their feelings (I know that is wrong and it is lying to someone). At the same time I needed to be with someone. (I had a poor childhood too...I know about patterns of behaviour repeating!).

[keepingonrunning]

Practise saying 'no' and get really comfortable with it.
You can end a relationship at any time, for any reason or for no reason - you don't have to explain to anyone - if it is not working for you.

[Vermillionrouge]

Hi OP, I understand what you are saying about the weight feeling safe.

I was married for over 20 years to a nasty narcissistic man who did everything he could to treat me with contempt. His focus was also totally on looks, nothing else was important to him. I think I gained weight largely because it was the only way I could rebel against him, but also because it felt safe. You are pretty much invisible when you are fat and middle aged and I don't want any more predatory male attention. Hopefully, now I am in my mid fifties, I will remain invisible when I do lose the weight. I really don't want another relationship ever.

I got divorced 4 years ago and I am only just now starting to look at tackling the weight. Like you I have to see the twunt every other weekend and one evening a week because of DC and he loves to mess with my head.

The thing which has pushed me into losing weight is pre-diabetes, but the good thing has been discovering that weight loss is actually quite easy on the blood sugar diet. The food is good and reasonably plentiful and I have not felt hungry.

I have also been having psychotherapy which has shown me a lot about what I allowed myself to be treated so badly for so long. I can't say it has been fun, but I do think it has been very worthwhile.

[keepingonrunning]

Vermillion Have you read about the grey rock technique? Is it possible not to talk to him when he collects/drops off DC, just stand behind the door and usher them out/in?