Happy relationship, but chemistry with someone else?

[AlanaOfLandfall]

Not sure what I'm looking for here really, I guess some reassurance that this doesn't mean something awful! Sorry it's really really long. Namechanged also.

I have been with DP for 3 years, we had a minor stumble about a year in (illness/job stress/petty arguments) but got through it and have been very strong together since. Don't live together yet due to caring responsibilities but we are planning how it can be feasible in the next 6 months. Neither of us want children together, don't feel any rush or pressure to marry but nevertheless pretty much 100% committed to a future together. All happy and rosy, caring, supportive, fun, fab sex when we get the chance, all wonderful really.

So, I'm worried that I am really aware of chemistry that I have with someone else. I don't see them often - they are more a friend of a friend, in our wider circle. When I first got to know them they were in a relationship, now single, and it just so happened that when their relationship broke down we saw each other a few times in a row at a hobby we all do (me, DP, crush, crush's ex and lots of our friends), and me and crush would always be the last ones standing at the bar each night, them drowning their sorrows and me consoling. Nothing untoward, nothing inappropriate, nothing secret. Anyway, over the year or so since, every time we've seen each other I've felt more and more of a chemistry, spark between us. Like when you fancy someone and are hoping they notice you. We recently were at a party all together, and I swear they felt it too. I felt aware they were looking at me, always bumping into me at the bar at the same time, offering to help me with things I was carrying, accidental touches of hands, very complimentary etc. Basically acting as though they had a crush on me. I felt guilty, and made sure to pay attention to DP, show some appropriate public display of affection etc, whilst still being friendly with crush but being careful not to stray into flirting territory.

Thing is, if I were single, I would totally go for this. But I'm not, have no desire to, very happy in my relationship and not realistically tempted at all - so why do I find myself absent mindedly fantasising about what it would be like? Wondering if they'll be at the next event or not, and feel a little excitement when we do see each other?

I have absolutely no intention of acting on this, and in many ways, if they do feel this chemistry too, I'd feel horribly guilty if I did anything to accidentally lead them on.

Is it innocent enough to indulge in occasional wondering what if, and to just secretly enjoy the feeling I get when we see each other at social occasions?

Does this happen to everyone? Is it 'normal'? Or does it mean I'm missing something in my own relationship?

Honestly, I'd be pretty upset if DP felt like this about someone else. But, it's not like it's a conscious decision. And I don't feel it takes away from my relationship - I still get excited when I see DP. A lot more than any crush, because it's deep and real.

[wewentoutonsunday]

I really don't know what the answer is, but I am experiencing something similar. Though I have been with DH a lot longer and we have children.

I guess it can't be that uncommon. Though I have no useful advice for you, sorry.

[user1497480444]

The answer is loyalty to your partner, of course, you don't swap round relationships at a whim. Of course, you can do if you want to, but if you hope to have a real, lasting, supportive adult relationship in your life. and you expect security and loyalty, then you provide it too. How would you want your partner to behave if they felt like that?

[DoubleCarrick]

Having chemistry with a person is natural but it sounds like you're straying into dodgey territory. Be careful you don't ruin a good thing with your dp

[pincha]

I think it's a bit odd that you're playing the pronoun game on an anonymous forum. But if you are happy in your relationship and don't want anything more to happen with your crush, I suggest knocking the late night bar sessions on the head. It is within your control to step back from the feelings you are having for this person.

[PosyBear]

Using "them" etc is ridiculously clunky and odd.

Anyway - it all sounds risky to me.

[lolalotta]

Yeah why not just say him or her?

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Not quite sure what outcome you're expecting from all this carry on.

Yes, it's normal to find yourself attracted to other people during the course of a LTR. It's normal not to, as well.

What's not a good idea, is propping up the bar with such a person, and knowingly allowing yourself to be pulled into emotional affair territory.

Either break up with DP and go for it, or behave the way you'd expect him/her (can't tell!) to, in the same circumstances.

[pringlecat]

Do you feel truly attractive when with your DP? Do you find him sexy? Or are things OK because you've been together for 3 years and well, they have to be after 3 years?

I think when you feel a spark with another man, either you want something you aren't getting, or you're feeling insecure about what you're offering. You mention you had some problems a while ago - have you really worked through these or just swept them under the carpet?

[Bishybarnybee]

I don't think it is necessarily a sign that there is something wrong with your current relationship. We all have needs that are not fully met in our relationships, it is not realistic to expect one person to perfectly meet our needs. The grass will often look greener - it's your fantasy competing with the everyday familiarity of your DP.

So you have to decide if what you have with DP is worth fighting for. And if it is, you treat these emerging feelings like an addiction - tempting but ultimately deadly. If you want your current relationship to survive, you need to step right away. Not interact with this person any more than you have to, stop yourself the minute you find yourself thinking about them, etc.

I think everybody finds themselves in this position at some point over a long relationship. It's very exciting, but also very unsettling. It absolutely has the power to wreck your current relationship.

If you want to build a true, real, long term relationship with a real person, as opposed to indulge the fleeting but powerful pleasure of fantasy, you need to see the fantasy as an indulgence you cannot afford to mess around with, even in your own head.

[Fortheloveofcharlotte]

I think it's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people while in a relationship and see nothing wrong with it but it would be wrong to act on those attractions or encourage the other person. You seem happy in your relationship. So really don't worry about it.

[Neutrogena]

Give it a go with the crush. What have you got to lose?
(If that sounds sarcastic, then it's a bad idea)

[AlanaofLandfall]

Apologies for being 'ridiculously clunky and odd' by using neutral pronouns - genuinely this is how I tend to write (well in real life I'd use given names more!). Not that anyone's sex is particularly relavent here in any case, why is it a problem?

Thankyou very much for some very thoughtful responses - particularly about treating these feelings as an addiction, very well put. It's exactly what feelings of attraction are really if you think about it - we get addicted to the feelgood brain chemicals we get when we're with people we're attracted to. Makes complete sense.

I definitely do not want this to threaten my relationship. DP and I have really built on going through a difficult time together to come out the other side stronger, working on communication, being completely open and trusting together and talk about everything to prevent anything becoming a problem because it's not dealt with. This is the first time in the relationship I've not spoken about something bothering me with DP, which compounds the feelings of guilt.

I think I need to be proactive in guarding against this fantasy - no indulging, even to myself.

I was thinking about trying to set my crush up with a workmate I think they might get on with..... that's probably a bad idea too though I guess. I don't need to concern myself with their love life at all.

[Penfold007]

Your DP deserves better, you've not even got to the living together stage yet you've already got emotional feelings/crush on another person. This isn't the relationship for you, don't move in with them.

[Penfold007]

Okay OP let's stick with 'crush'. My standards aren't especially high but I'd be devastated if my DP was with me but had a crush on someone else.

[CBC1644346]

Sometimes you can have stronger feelings for one person than another. It's usually marriage and kids that stop you acting on them. Your situation is not clouded by that. You don't have to stay with one person if another appeals more. It would hurt but people do it. One life and all that! The risk is he might not feel the same and you are misreading it, hence the reason people rarely do the honourable clean break before embarking on the new relationship.

[Loopytiles]

This "difficult time": what was that about? Was it mutual or did your boyfriend behave badly or let you down? If the latter are you confident it won't happen again?

Being attracted to someone else is fine. If, however, you want to act on those feelings, even "just" emotionally, you need to end the relationship and take your chances.

Being "last men standing" in the bar late and consoling OM wasn't sensible or appropriate when in a relaionship IMO.

But no need to feel guilty / worried about "leading on" OM: he's an adult and responsible for his own feelings and actions.

[Ohyesiam]

It's normal, but you do gave to be careful. It friends on what sort of mind you have. Of you are a but obsessive, or tend to over think things, you could find yourself fantasising about him 24/7 . and of you give something that much energy, you really fan the flames.
But if you are not like me ( yes this is the bitter voice of experience), and can do things in moderation, you should be ok.

[TheNaze73]

If you can pick from two partners, always pick the one you'd have the affair with.

[HildaOg]

It's normal to have crushes on people, you can enjoy the feeling without having to act on it.

[AlanaOfLandfall]

Sensible points all. I don't have stronger feelings for my crush - it's just that sense. Things with DP are real and deep as well as butterflies etc. The difficult time was neither of us dealing with life stresses well, but turns out it's much easier to cope when you work together as a team and keep the lines of communication open. My crush does not at all appeal more, the grass is beautifully green where I am!

Interesting point about who you'd have an affair with! I can't imagine having an affair. I was in an open relationship for a while, it was tricky to navigate though and ultimately didn't work out anyway, just fizzled. I think perhaps I would naturally tend towards polyamory, but the practicalities just don't stack up.

[WaahImTellingTheDorchester]

I come from a part of the country that very commonly uses 'them' as a singular pronoun - I didn't even notice the usage until it was pointed out, presuambly by MNetters who aren't from the same region!

People from some regions DO say 'them' to reference one person and use it all the time perfectly naturally. Others don't, but it's not necessarily some 'clunky' attempt to hide genders.

[WaahImTellingTheDorchester]

Anyway to the crush!

Yes, I have had crushes like this. It is normal. I am very very happy with my DH and have a massive permanent crush on him too (to the point when he is when I assert after a few drinks that actually YES he is TOTALLY OBJECTIVELY the most gorgeous man I have ever met etc.etc. )

You just need to be very sensible and recognise it for what it is, and make sure you keep a decent distance from the crush object. It goes without saying it will most likely be a friend, so that's important to manage. I also believe that it's basically a pheremones thing and it's very much about one person responding chemically to another - hence 'chemistry' - so yes, if you feel this spark, probably part of the reason why is that they feel it too. You are - temporarily - 'sparking' off each other.

Just make sure you bear in mind that stuff like this can remain perfectly enjoyable and normal as long as you make 100% sure you see it for what it is and maintain friendly respect at all times. That's definitely easier to say when you are lucky enough to already be in a strong relationship where you already have that 'buzz' with your own partner. To not have that and come up against a crush... tough. How many affairs start, I would think.

It is normal. Keep your distance a bit, laugh at yourself, and it will be gone soon.