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Need advice about ea ex and contact with dc(1 Post)
I don't even know what to do to make this situation bearable for my kids seeing their father.
I have an 11yo ds and a 4 yo dd. Their dad left in February after years of emotional abuse of me and it started affecting my ds too so I reported him to the police and he eventually left. I am in the process of buying him out of the house so thankfully I am in a fortunate position. The trouble is the dc. My ds is very aware of his behaviour as my stbx ramped up the abuse in the last few months he lived here and would stop at nothing to hurt me including calling me terrible names in front of them and physically intimidating me. He then started to get verbally abusive with my ds and that's when something clicked in me and I got rid of him. My dc have been having regular contact with him (usually 1 night per week and maybe one night he will take them out after school). About a month after he left my ds said that his dad had called him a liar and that he didn't want to see him anymore and that he had been nasty to him several times before that too. He asked me to phone his dad and I did - all hell broke loose and he ended up barging his way back into the house and I had to get him removed by the police - this is all in front of our 10 yo son...
He apologised after that incident and also seemed to change the way in which he spoke to my ds and all was going ok. My ds still feels angry with his dad and knows exactly what he's like but talks to me regularly and I felt the benefits of him seeing his dad outweighed the personality issues that he has as he seemed to have changed his behaviour sufficiently.
Last night ds had some friends round 2 boys from his class - I also had friends round with kids and we were downstairs chatting and kids were playing and everyone was having a nice time. Friend 1 came downstairs and said his dad said he had to go home so I said ok (it was still light and he only lives round the corner). He left.
Ds then called me upstairs 10 minutes later and told me that this boy had punched him in the face twice because my ds said he was rubbish at a computer game. My ds had red marks on both of his cheeks and was pretty shaken. I rang the boy's mum and told her etc.
This morning I called my ex to tell him and to make arrangements as he was having the dc today. He went fucking mad that I hadn't told him last night. I acknowledged that I probably should have but I honestly didn't do it out of spite, he was ok, I was handling it but I did say I would tell him next time.
I went to drop the dc off and ex was giving me a lift back (shared car) he was absolutely incandescent with rage - not about the boy hitting ds but about me not telling him. He called me names, said I was a bully and a disgrace of a human etc - all in front of the dc. I told him to calm down or he would not be taking them, I said that this situation was not about him but about ds, that we can talk later but for now he was behaving worse than the silly boy from last night! He was having a complete tantrum.
We got back to mine and my ds told my ex that he didn't want to go with him now as he was annoyed by the way he had spoken to me and because he was so angry still. Ex had a massive meltdown on our doorstep shouting and being awful because I wouldn't let him in the house while he was in this mood.
Ds started to cry saying that this will never end. I hate his fucking guts doing this in front of the dc. My dd was ok didn't seem affected really but just sitting on my knee etc. In the end ex calmed down (gave me a half arsed apology) and apologised to my ds and ds agreed to go with him reluctantly.
I don't know what to do, he makes me feel so nervous and stressed so god knows how my dc feel. I wanted them to have a good relationship but I just feel like I am sending them into a situation that I escaped from and I feel very disloyal in a way.
We have a sort of flexible contact agreement as I am a reasonable person and want what's best for them. I don't feel this is working anymore and I just want to keep them away from him. I feel like this is so damaging for the dc. What do I do? Would you withhold contact? I am just not sure how to make my kids feel happy: they are happy at home with me and I feel like my ds goes to his dad's reluctantly most of the time.
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