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I'm leaving him.

(543 Posts)
BitOfANameChange Sat 24-Jun-17 10:30:38

I've named changed for this; he knows I use MN, although he probably doesn't follow me online.

After 30 years, I've had enough. It's all low level controlling and abusive stuff, which he would certainly deny is abusive. He can be nice at times, especially in public.

But I get treated like a child, told to do this or that. Since the moment I got pregnant I found myself effectively doing all the chores. He'll find some way, all the time, of making an excuse whey he shouldn't be doing them. In particular, his excuse when I was part time for the sake of the children (despite my job at the time being the higher earning potential) was that I had "more time".

I've been reading this board for a long time, and had a slow realisation that a lot of the things described here apply to me in some way. I do come from a dysfunctional family, but they aren't nasty parents, just clueless from their dysfunctions. They love me and my DB dearly, and are loaning me the money to set up in a rental property with the DCs. It's probably no coincidence that DB has also recently come out of an abusive relationship.

'D'P and I never married. He'd divorced his wife when I met him, quite young, and I know now the flags I should have spotted then; badmouthing the ex (who I actually get on well with), the maninuplation by hinting at suicide a couple of times, the depression that somehow allows hime to be an arsehole, etc.

So as we aren't married, the house is in his name, but I ended up being pressured into paying off a chuck of the mortgage with my redundancy payment, "to reduce our costs until you get another job". But he never cut down his mortgage overpayments, cleared the morgage and is now building up his savings, while I have no savings having paid his morgage. I do work now, FT.

The DCs and I walk on eggshells wondering about what mood he'll be in on getting home. Never actually been physically abusive, though. But the incident that started me thinking about the relationship and it's effect on the DCs was late last year, when DC1 and I were in the kitchen with him, and he told her to stop "screaming". She wasn't but her voice can get high when she's excited. She spoke again in that high voice and he yelled at her. She scuttled to the other end of the kitchen before i could intervene and he grabbed her arm hard enough to leave a mark. She's scared of hime now, with good reason. Since then, there's been a little edge of aggression towards her which he doesn't show to our DS. She has bad anxiety and mild depression (been to a doctor) and DS is showing the signs of following suit.

I've always been a comfort eater, and looking back I can see living with him has always raised my stress levels. I'm obese, but instead of being supportive I get constant fat digs from him, including during sex, and he wonders why my libido is dropping. I'm making modifications to my diet and have recently increased my activity levels significantly. I feel better for that.

There are other factors as well, influencing my decision, but going into them could out me.

I realised how much of a crap person he is, and secretly started planning an exit. I've never rented before having straight from parents into his house. But I'm using some of the info gleaned from you lovely people and my application for a little house for me and DCs is progressing well.

I have a cousin with some housing experience, who has given me the name of a good local solitor, so I'm hoping I can get back the money I paid into the house (I do have paper trail). I'm going to be scanning his financial documents when he's out, and saving them to my cloud storage.

I can't talk to him to try and repair this. He'd simply deny abuse, and try to twist it all that it's my fault. Like DD, I'm a little scared of him now.

Sorry, this must seem quite a ramble, but I guess it's because I am finally letting it all out. I'm not expecting anyone to reply, but it's helping me to set it down.

MidnightVelvetthe7th Sat 24-Jun-17 10:39:54

Bloody hell well done! Well done on your self awareness, well done for realising that you can't talk to him about it & fix it & well done for making the decision to leave <claps>

jenniferyellowhat12 Sat 24-Jun-17 10:41:34

Well done you! Good luck with it all and keep us updated. X

broodynmoody Sat 24-Jun-17 10:54:36

Well done you for getting out of it. You sat you have been with him 30 years?how long have you been living together? Though you aren't married im sure if you live with someone for 10/15 years your classed as his common law wife and entitled to half of his assets. I would bring this up to your solicitor.
You deserve better

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 24-Jun-17 11:13:23

I think he targeted you OP, I have no doubts of that whatsoever. Your parents also taught you a lot of damaging lessons from childhood. You are correct, its no coincidence that your brother has left an abusive relationship as well.

In time you will need to address your dysfunctional relationship with your parents as well through therapy. I sincerely hope that they do not try and control you further through you accepting their funds but some will try this.

Womens Aid can and will also help you leave here on 0808 2000 247. Do call them. I would also contact the Rights of Women organisation as they are helpful re legal matters.

You may be able to secure some moneies back if there is a paper trail on your part re the capital payment of his mortgage, this can be a long, complicated and drawn out process for which legal advice is essential. Otherwise you may not receive anything from him because he is not financially responsible for you personally, only his children. He undoubtedly knows that as well. He is also well within his rights currently to throw you all out but he won't likely do that because he enjoys having you about to control.

unfortunately there is no such thing as "common law spouse" in English civil law and the laws protecting cohabiting couples are not as comprehensive as matrimonial laws.

ohfourfoxache Sat 24-Jun-17 11:23:20

No advice, but you absolutely fucking rock thanks

Bloody well done op thanks

GeekyWombat Sat 24-Jun-17 11:48:59

You are amazing, you sound calm and capable and a great support for your DC.

Good luck getting your ducks in a row.


May50 Sat 24-Jun-17 11:53:24

Well done OP. You are sounding very strong. Keep on keeping on flowers

Mrskeats Sat 24-Jun-17 11:56:02

Can you prove you contributed to the mortgage?
See a good lawyer to work out your position

BitOfANameChange Sat 24-Jun-17 19:32:44

Thank you for your messages. Sorry I've not been back but dad is in hospital and I was visiting with no signal.

I can honestly say that my parents are not in any way trying to control me. In fact, I had a long talk with dad today, and he admits he has been biting his tongue not wanting to criticise DP and push me further towards him. His offer of funds is unconditional. Dad knows he is dysfunctional, he had an awful childhood, extremely abusive. He's trying to be the best parent he can, despite the dysfunction, but admits he finds it hard for him.

The reason I'm doing everything secretly is because I know he can throw us out, and my parents at present have no room. I am gritting my teeth, and it'll be about a month. I'm pretty sure he'll kick off.

Once we are settled, I'm hoping to get DD and I to do the freedom programme. DD hasn't had a relationship, but it'll help her to avoid my kind of mess from the start.

The mortgage transfer was electronically done direct from my account to the mortgage company, so there's a trail, and I still have the bank statement that shows it. I'm going to see someone for legal advice once we are out of there. At this moment in time I've got a lot to deal with. I'm prioritising getting out and my parents (my mum is frail and can't do a lot, so DB is effectively a live in carer and I'm working with him to visit dad and look after mum).

BitOfANameChange Sat 24-Jun-17 19:37:06

I don't think I'm completely as hard as I might sound. I have moments of tears when DP isn't around. This sort of worries the kids as I never cry. DP has never been able to cope with tears.

RandomMess Sat 24-Jun-17 19:51:54

Well done op, I wish you well. Please know you can come on here and gain support.

There is also a topic that this hidden that you could use if your concerned about things being searchable.

KOKO [flowers

Elland Sat 24-Jun-17 20:03:06

Nothing to add apart from well done on building up the courage after all this time.

Good luck for getting through the next month x

BitOfANameChange Sat 24-Jun-17 20:27:56

You know, I must have had some sort of subconscious awareness, though. I've never given him actual access to my bank accounts, and kept it all vague. I've never given him passwords to my online stuff, or my laptop. There's a lot I've kept hidden from him. The nature of his job means that he doesn't use computers much, whereas I do. I've made all my online stuff as secure as I can make it.

I am sorry though. I can see the hints of the person he could have been, but he's turned into his mum. I got on all right with her on a superficial level, but there's no way I'd have wanted to share a home with her, she'd have taken it over.

BitOfANameChange Tue 27-Jun-17 19:11:17

So, a bit of an update.

I've been approved for the rental, and have arranged to buy a bed from gumtree, to be delivered to my mum's. It's a bit daunting, but after a huge rant from him on Sunday, I feel totally determined now.

He wants me to come down hard on DD to do ALL the housework while she's the one at home. Funny that there's always been some excuse as to why it shouldn't be him doing it.

cordeliavorkosigan Tue 27-Jun-17 19:17:43

That's brilliant news about your rental. You rock. Your dc will be so much happier and you as well.

jeaux90 Tue 27-Jun-17 19:25:00

When you step in your new place just pause and think about your freedom. Relish it. You did that xxx

BitOfANameChange Tue 27-Jun-17 19:40:43

Actually, you guys rock, you know smile

I've been here long enough to take advice and information on board.

I have also discovered that when I do make a decision, I can go for it.

I apologised to the DCs yesterday (DP wasn't around at that point). I apologised for not spotting or realising the problems soon enough, for letting them down. We managed a reasonably good chat, the 3 of us, and they want to be with me, not him. I think they could manage a good relationship with their dad if they weren't living in the same house and I won't block access. He'll have their numbers and he can call them. I have, however, stressed that the front door of the new place will remain locked. I'm not taking any chance that he'll just try to waltz in.

BitOfANameChange Tue 27-Jun-17 19:49:23

jeaux90 I love your username, I'm old enough to remember that programme.

Along with a new place, there's going to be a new me. I've struggled massively with my weight for years, eating due to stress. I've started my campaign by signing up to the Cancer Research 10,000 steps a day. It's been hard but I'm already seeing the benefits.

I'm altering my diet, and other stuff, so hopefully by Xmas, I can get into the nice dress I've been eyeing up.

I went to a wedding the other weekend, wore the first dress I've worn in many years. I had a lot of compliments, the dress looked nice even though I'm fat. The only person who said I looked crap was DP, who compared me to a sack of potatoes. I don't get any compliments from him, ever, just digs.

WifeyFish Tue 27-Jun-17 19:56:33

Nothing to add but just wanted to say you're an absolute inspiration BitOfANameChange and I wish you and your lovely DC a wonderful fresh start in your new home!

jeaux90 Tue 27-Jun-17 20:21:40

I'm old enough too.grin

I escaped an abusive relationship. I know how brave you are being.

I cherish my freedom every day still 6 years down the line.

He says those horrid things to you because he probably hates himself.

You however are just learning to love yourself again. I'm smiling as I type this because I'm excited for you. It's a whole new life. Play the nina song "feeling good" in your new place.


BitOfANameChange Tue 27-Jun-17 20:52:39

I was 18 when I met him, that was 30 years ago. I'm not looking for anything other than peace. It's taken me long enough to realise who the real drama queen is in this house.

He has no friends, so even though there are a couple of people in RL helping me, it's unlikely he'll hear a thing.

I'm dreaming of a new clean mattress, with new, clean bedding. Not one where you can clearly see the mattress is rotting through directly when his dirty sweaty back would be. He tried to blame it on my feet constantly rubbing the bed (it's in the same place my feet would be if the mattress turned 180 degrees, if you get what I mean). No, it's his hygiene. Showers/baths once a week if I'm lucky, although he'll wash his hair over the bath very slightly more often. Reckons a cold wash in the morning, no soap, is effective enough. I could go on.

I'm now going to play my own game. He's moaned about the housework often enough. Let him think I've buckled under, while decluttering my own stuff in preparation for moving. The house can look nice, because there's less to clean.......

jeaux90 Tue 27-Jun-17 21:50:15

Euuuwww I boaked at the grim unwashed thing.

Enjoy the planning and execution of your new life. Enjoy the clean sheets, the new matress, watching what you want, eating when you want, laughing with the kids, holidays without him, dancing to Abba with your friends in the kitchen.......anything you want xxx

Mum2jenny Tue 27-Jun-17 22:05:53

Go girl go!
Enjoy your freedom when it comes, you really do deserve it flowers

isitjustme2017 Tue 27-Jun-17 22:08:20

You're an inspiration OP. flowers

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