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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He won't stop talking

24 replies

flutterby77 · 24/06/2017 07:05

I have been married for 15 years, my husband has always liked the sound of his own voice but it's getting worse and worse.

He works at home and doesn't see anyone all day and he just talks at me about his work for hours. It's not a conversation, he just literally lectures me. He gets angry if I don't give him my full attention and says I'm being rude. I do honestly zone out for most of it now. It's too much. I have a very busy and responsible job and three young kids, I get so little time to relax anyway - time with my husband shouldn't be dreaded but I do dread it.

I can't ask him how his day was or I know it'll be an hour at least.

Last night I got in from work at 6.30. He talked at me on and off until 8.30 when I finally put a tv program on. I find myself sneaking into the lounge so he doesn't hear me and come and talk at me. I go to bed early just so I don't need to listen and so I get some headspace for myself.

Am i a horrible person? If the kids interrupt his lectures he gets cross. He's always saying that it would be 1 more minute if he wasn't interrupted but that's just not true. It's like he has to verbalise everything. I barely get a chance to talk.

We have many other issues with our relationship but this is killing me.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 24/06/2017 07:28

Can you say to him that his going on is really getting you down? Can you agree to you both having 15 minutes to talk about your day? It's sounds bloody horrendous if I'm honest I would be raging inside after working all day.

I have a rule when I come in from work about this.

Naicehamshop · 24/06/2017 07:29

He sounds utterly boring and self obsessed! Does he ever ask you how your day went or show an interest in your work?

The fact that he gets cross with the dc if they interrupt him. .. ! Shock

You need to have a word with him and tell him that everyone has the right to be heard, not just him.

ohamIreally · 24/06/2017 07:35

That sounds horrendous. My DD is a talker - constant on and on from the second she wakes up. I have stuff I need to think about and it invades my brain. Being as your DH is an adult however I think you're going to have to address it with him or it will end your marriage. I feel your pain.

Grainfail · 24/06/2017 07:39

My husband is a little like this, but comes from the fact that his family are all talkers and mine definitely aren't. It got really draining when he started working in an office on his own and I had to listen to the full rundown of his day. I had a gentle word that I found it all a little draining. I asked him to give me the headlines rather than all the ins and outs of everything and it's all good now. We'll always have that difference but knowing he's making an effort to rein it in helps me make more of an effort to listen and be engaged in what he's saying.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 24/06/2017 09:59

I work with someone like this. She must breathe through her ears! Luckily I only work with her two days a week. The stress of this is immense. You can't get to speak at all, even when it's a vital and time sensitive thing you need to say! I consider she is mentally ill. The bosses don't care. She's not like it with them though so she can stop.
She is like it with members of the public and I have seen them back off and walk away before now so it's not just me. I actually feel abused by her as she is going to say what she is going to say regardless of whether I interact or not. It's a compulsion and it's abusive. Half the time what they have to say is of no relevance to anything anyway. Hideous situation!

AlternativeTentacle · 24/06/2017 10:04

Can you film him and say 'I am interested in your day but you don't need to actually give me this much detail' and then set it playing...hopefully the two hour file might encourage him to shut the fuck up and try engaging with you not talking at you.

WithCheesePlease · 24/06/2017 10:15

Oh god, this is awful.... I have a friend like this and it is painful to get stuck with her for any length of time. I really feel for you being married to someone like this. Its a difficult one, but I think all you can do is sit him down, tell him to you need to speak about something important and he's not allowed to interrupt while you do, and then tell him how you feel

WithCheesePlease · 24/06/2017 10:18

Plus why the hell would he think you would want to hear about his work for hours on end? Especially lecture style! When we talk about work (we both do very different things), we give just enough information so that the other person understands enough to be able to have a 2 way conversation. I would glaze over pretty quick, and him with me, if we went into minute detail of what we do. You poor thing!

roadtorumba · 24/06/2017 10:28

My DH can also be like this given the chance. He possibly has aspergers. Could your husband?
We have rules now. No talking until DCS in bed, they deserve our full attention first. Then once dishes are done etc etc, it's us time. 1 hour. Shared. His day. My day. Done. I know it sounds very structured, bit you can not go on like this, I genuinely believe I would have had a mental breakdown if it had continued. Now and then, DH still slips up, pacing up and down as he's wittering away at me, but it is better.the only issue is that, DH may mention something important when he's on one of his wittering episodes and I won't have heard him as I too zone out. This creates issues in our communication as he will say I should know something and I genuinely don't. The rule now is that anything important is discussed face to face at the table at a convenient time.

Siwdmae · 24/06/2017 10:42

I was going to mention Aspergers, maybe anxiety? I've worked with a great many autistic students over the years and this sounds like some of them. How's his eye contact?

Sayhellotothelittlefella · 24/06/2017 10:53

Is your DH my FIL?? I avoid him as much as possible as I am one of his favourite targets to talk at. I'm afraid I don't have good news - it doesn't get any better.
It is self centred and they can't see that they are doing anything wrong. Unfortunately FIL is surrounded by enablers who utterly minimise what he does but very skillfully make sure it always someone else who has to listen to him

PookieDo · 24/06/2017 11:03

My DD is like this and it is draining. I try to give her my full attention but am very clear when it becomes droning that I have other things to do. So she is learning to kind of tell me the important stuff. She feels quite rejected when I try to opt out of conversations and reacts badly. I feel for you

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/06/2017 17:35

What's your reaction when He gets angry if I don't give him my full attention and says I'm being rude.

My reaction would be: "Me, rude! Do you realise you have spoken at me for 5 minutes straight now! This isn't a conversation, it's a lecture. You haven't even noticed that I have not had a chance to speak an equal amount. It is you who is not paying attention. It is you who is being rude."

My DM is like this. She has MH problems and is incredibly selfish. I have to cut her off very rudely. She has zero interest in what I have to say. I can see her eyes glaze before I get to the end of a sentence that isn't about her. Ultimately it is a sign of extreme selfishness.

Are your other problems also of the extreme selfishness kind?

NellieFiveBellies · 24/06/2017 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

importanceofhappiness · 24/06/2017 18:36

Nope, not a horrible person.

My ex was like this, accentuated when drunk. When he was drinking he could literally talk at me all night for hours and I wouldn't be able to say anything or change the subject without him saying "let me finish!", "I'm talking", "I'm trying to tell you a story!" Etc, got very offended if I wanted to talk about anything other than his chosen topic of conversation.
Most of the time I zoned him out. He didn't seem to care if I was listening or not.

It was a big contributor to me choosing to leave.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/06/2017 18:42

It's not a conversation if you're being talked at. How self absorbed.

Is he taking amphetamines? Confused Or overdoing the caffeine?

Flyingmoonpig · 24/06/2017 21:30

My dad used to do this to my mum... every night he got in from work and would pour himself a whisky then lecture my mum about his working day.. would get angry if we interrupted. It's something I really remember from my childhood and mum says it used to totally do her head in as she had no choice whether to engage in the conversation or not. I feel for you as he's clearly not being mindful of you're feelings or showing interest in you and your day. Xxx

Madbum · 24/06/2017 23:20

Life's too short to be married to captain gumflap, bin him off and find a nice thoughtful person to be with because your husband sounds about as exciting as a stale fart.

flutterby77 · 25/06/2017 02:59

Thank you all! I'm not polite and don't feign interest any more and this has led to things coming to a head more. I have considered Aspergers but am not convinced, he does have anxiety issues with health so possibly. I think it mainly stems from him having no one to talk to, his work is creative and is totally self directed. I get that he needs an outlet but I can't be his audience all the time.

This really is the tip of a huge iceberg though, I've got myself in such a crappy situation and have enabled behaviour which I shouldn't have tolerated for this amount of time.

I have pretty much been the sole earner for 80% of our life together. I am the household organiser, I pay all bills, organise everything to do with the kids, do all washing, shopping, ensure things like driving licences stay current, have done all night wakings with the kids, done all nappies. One of my children has health issues and I've done all hospital appointments, all tube feeding, all medication, all testing. The list goes on and on. He's not incapable but I have let him become that way. I leave the house at 6.45 in the morning and get home at 6.30 most nights (I've had to work full time due to his lack of earnings). I then get the kids ready for bed. He does cook most nights.

The ironic thing is that he's finally earning some very good money from what he's doing but it's talking about that and his plans which is driving me insane!

I have had to spend our savings and have taken a personal loan out to keep us afloat over the last few years. He doesn't know about that but it will come to a head shortly as it's run out. I don't know why I kept it to myself - trying to be supportive of his venture I guess. He is piling cash up in his account but hasn't once asked to contribute to the household costs (which are significant) as he assumes I have that under control. I'm not a big spender, it's really been to keep on top of bills and pay for things like taking the kids out places.

His mum has wanted to confront him about his work situation for years, I have her total support. What has stopped me dealing with the enormous elephant in the room all that time?

I would just add that we are very isolated from family as we live overseas. It's not an easy position to be in. So I think I have just tolerated my life becoming like this.

It certainly can't go on like this for much longer but I honestly can't see a way though with him totally changing his entire personality.

OP posts:
flutterby77 · 25/06/2017 03:01

I almost want him to be so angry about the money he stops talking so I get some peace and quiet.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 25/06/2017 05:19

Definitely time to get angry about the money, and about his almost total lack of imput into family life. If this anger also stops him talking then that is a massive bonus!

Good luck!

squishee · 25/06/2017 05:30

Why are you living as if you were a single parent? It sounds like the talking is the least of your worries.
Yep, get angry!

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CiderwithBuda · 25/06/2017 05:31

Why on earth didn't you tell him about the loan? That you needed it to keep the family afloat?

He needs to contribute! You need an honest conversation.

How has he so little idea about your finances?

I think him talking at you is th least of your issues. And I do sympathise- my dad does it and it's really annoying. I do not need to hear about every shot in his game of golf!

acornsandnuts · 25/06/2017 06:21

So in reality you're supporting three young children PLUS a 'teenager' with a Saturday job.

And he is draining your emotionally at the detriment to your other children.

I want to hear about the positives he brings because it doesn't soun like there are any.

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