Love is a myth - how to let it go?

[2sCompany]

I don't even know where to start. I just need to know how I can be content on my own. I don't even want to be happy, just content.

I've a 6 week old baby by a physically and emotionally abusive ex. I have 3 other children (not his). Went NC with him when 5 months pregnant due to the constant cheating and abuse... such a long story.... now in a battle with him over contact.

Anyway, whilst in the relationship I was discouraged from contact with friends and family and lost the closeness with them to the point I barely see anyone any more. I'm really trying to regain it but feel like I'm pushing myself on people, so I don't force it. The only person I'm still close to is the father of my other children - he's the only one who knows everything that's gone on and I consider him my best friend... I know it's weird. Anyway, he is dating and will be introducing our children to his girlfriend this weekend. He deserves a good woman and not a nutcase like me. I know it means I can't be so close to him any more and we're going to have to stop doing stuff together.

I am in awe of his belief in love. I don't believe it exists. Or I am just not capable of it. But I am so lonely. I sound really selfish but all I do is stuff with the children. I know I need to learn to just be the best parent I can be and make that my focus. I feel so selfish to feel lonely when I'm surrounded by my wonderful children who love me and rely on me. I don't need another adult to love me, or for me to love do I? I can do this on my own can't I?

I just need to know how to let it go. Please.

(I don't expect an answer, just needed to say this out loud, so to speak. I know I sound pathetic and needy and probably make no sense at all)

[spankhurst]

You don't sound at all pathetic. You've been physically and emotionally abused. You're probably numb from that. Love certainly does exist but in the long term it's comfortable companionship rather than high passion. Can you talk to someone professional about your feelings? It's normal to want to be loved, not selfish.

[2sCompany]

I'm on a waiting list for counselling through Women's Aid, but it can take up to a year they said.

I'm still coming to terms with the abuse - I always did something to cause it so I don't know if it really counts.

I'd rather be numb to the idea of love, I need to give it up, that's the problem. No-one is going to want to take me on.

Thank you so much for answering spank it means a lot. I didn't expect it x

[2sCompany]

I'm going to vent - because no-ones listening... I apologise for my ramblings... I'm drinking wine, but I shouldn't be as I'm breastfeeding my beautiful baby and I should be asleep with her. I feel so horrible for her that mine is the only face she sees and she gives me huge smiles. She stares at me for ages with big eyes. I'm not good enough for her. My other children are amazing and I'm not 'the best mummy in the world' that they say I am (apart from during tantrums when I'm the worst mummy in the world). I love them but I still feel lonely and it's wrong of me. All the threads about cheating on here... I know how it goes...Love is a myth

[Flyingmoonpig]

Bless you I have no wise words but hope you're ok.. you are the centre of your children's world but your self esteem has taken a battering. X

[indigox]

My life turned a corner when I stopped believing in "love" and accepted I could have a successful life alone, and parent alone. DS is happier, my career has moved forward and I don't have some arsehole draining my emotional strength anymore.

[2sCompany]

flying I'm not ok really and that's what worries me about being the centre of my children's world because I don't want them to be like me. I've become a great actress and am fabulous at pretending everything is lovely. I thank you so much for your thoughts, you have no idea how much it means.

indigox how did you do it? With my practical head on I know I'm better off being alone but society seems to condition us to believe we need a partner. I don't know how to get out of that mind set and stop being lonely. And at the same time be happy for those that have found "love". Do you ever feel lonely?

[category12]

I think you should probably work on rebuilding your friendships and making new ones to be honest, at this stage, instead of worrying about love. You're very likely to take up with the wrong sort of dude while you're thinking like this.

If you need to make apologies to friends for pushing them away, make them: it was no fault of your own when you were in that abusive relationship, but it wouldn't do any harm to acknowledge they were probably hurt and explain what happened.

Try to get out to mums and tots etc and get to know some new people too. Use social media (wisely) for company when you can't get out much.

Think of things you would like to do and plan how to do them. Take up a hobby. Deliberately and actively fill your life with things that interest you and to look forward to, rather than passively wait for a partner to take up that space and energy.

[2sCompany]

Thank you category12, I know you're right. I'm really embarrassed that I let myself whinge so self indulgently like that last night

I'm actually not on any social media other than here as the ex was trying to get to me through Facebook etc, so that probably contributes to feeling isolated too.

Anyway. Back to reality today and trying to take each day as it comes

[Ginlovinglady]

You didn't whinge self indulgently
I've been in an abusive relationship and lost friends
Love is complicated and you're keeping it together for your children, that isn't faking it. That's being a proper hard working human who will do anything to make sure they feel happy and secure.
The internal mind of yourself is something else.
You sound amazing btw

[Ginlovinglady]

And looking at social media is hard not to do. EVERYONE does it. Some people might not admit it.
i have to say to myself everyday that it's not true.
no one puts their shit days up on Facebook. No one tweets after an argument
Or Instagrams how shit and crap they feel

[RandomMess]

Could you make up a new name for Facebook and contact close friends and ask them to accept your friend request as you are still in hiding from your ex?

[2sCompany]

Thanks Gin, isn't it funny how a small comment from a perfect stranger on the internet can mean such a lot? I don't feel very amazing at the moment, just like I'm surviving.

With regards friends, I am worried that no one will trust me as I never told the truth about the abusive relationship, if that makes any sense. I lied to myself and everyone really. I don't know, I'm rambling rubbish now, so tired!

Re Facebook, since I had to cut it off I've lost touch with quite a few long distance friends as a result, which I'm sad about. A new account might not be a bad idea random, thanks

[PuellaEstCornelia]

Incidentally, you NEVER did anything to cause abuse from your ex. He did that to you on his own. And don't feel guilty that you 'lied' to your family. You did nothing that most people in your situation wouldn't do. Reach out to family and old friends - they may well be happier to have you back than you think!

[2sCompany]

I don't know about that really. There's a lot of ways in which I could have behaved better that would have meant he wouldn't have pushed me or interrogated me or cheated or encouraged me to jump off a bridge. We did have a lot of good times together. And since I've gone nc, he says he has no choice but to pester my mum and keep knocking on my door. I'm doing everything wrong it seems.

If I were better at relationships in general I wouldn't be where I am now, complaining that I'm lonely! Hence why I need to learn to be content with just being mum and not "single mum" as if I'm missing a partner.

I don't even think I'm making any sense sorry. But it's helping to write my jumbled thoughts down!

I'm really not normally one to moan and groan, so I am sorry that I come across all sad and feeling sorry for myself. I am stronger than this, promise!

[Ginlovinglady]

Seriously stop with the "I'm moaning" it's rubbish
That's why you're reaching out. Nothing you feel is invalid.
It's good to write them down one way or another, here or in a journal.
It's all about processing
I've felt the same as you "if I were better" that's bollocks.
I've decided it's not about US. It's about how we let people treat us and we need to stop letting people treating us like shit
If you were horrible and shit, you sure as fuck wouldn't be reaching out for help
X

[Ginlovinglady]

Now that's equally rambling!!!!!

[category12]

You're immensely strong! You got out and you're on your way to a better life.

Please do be open with your friends about what you went through. You might have lost some permanently, but the chances are, some are just waiting for you to reach out.

[2sCompany]

I do feel a bit like I'm moaning for no reason though, I mean plenty of people have life a hell of a lot worse. I guess I've been conditioned to think that nothing was wrong and I had nothing to moan about. But now I'm trying to come to terms with everything, I'm finally questioning whether I'm actually allowed to feel like this. Does that make sense?

I am trying to reach out to friends. I've forgotten how to be the 'me' I was when were all close though, so it'll take time I know. I had people over for the first time in over 2 years the other week. It does worry me that they're so used to me not being around that I won't ever get included in things any more - made a rod for my own back there.

The only way I can get by right now is literally living moment to moment. I can't think about the past and I can't worry about the future because I'll just crumble. Although I know what I'm doing with the practicalities of having a baby and I love her to bits, it's very draining doing everything on my own 24/7 and quite isolating. The tiredness is probably exacerbating how I feel.

[2sCompany]

And that's without even considering having to go through mediation / court battle for contact. Just thinking about it makes me cry as it'll be a battle of control for the rest of her life. I want so much better for her and I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing or not. I don't feel good enough for any of them

[Ginlovinglady]

If they're your good friends they will understand and you will make new friends too.
And you're not moaning for no reason. It's all relative. Of course there are people worse off than you. That doesn't diminish your valid feelings.
People on here and in RL have said to me it's baby steps and it is.
But you have to believe in yourself, because I am sure other people believe in you.
I don't even know you and I do.
You are a brave person for recognising how you are feeling and those feelings are valid.

a decent therapist is a good thing to have in this situation. They are on your side even when you feel like no one else is.

[2sCompany]

Thanks Gin, you're right about the baby steps. And thank you so much for sticking with me, you don't know how much it means. Do you mind me asking what happened with you and your situation? Do you feel lonely? I feel so selfish thinking about myself when I'm surrounded by little people who need me. I guess I just want to have an identity for myself as well as being 'mum'.

And sorry I can't reply very often... 3 children and a breastfed new born - need I say more?! I hugely appreciate your response x

[2sCompany]

I am acutely aware I need therapy/counselling. Unfortunately, it's a matter of financial restrictions. Until I can access something, I'm doing the 'living in the moment' thing!

[Ginlovinglady]

Well three children is amazing!
And I'm sure they love you very much
I've just made endless mistakes with the wrong people. Ended up in a very disfunctional relationship for 10 years. Lost a lot of friends, people tend to stop inviting you after a while. So I know how that feels.

Really wanted kids but it didn't happen, now approaching 40 and don't think it will for me.
Worked out I am a terrible people pleaser, even if it's detrimental
Trying to work on it.
Life is fucking hard. And I feel like I should just be thankful for so many things.
But yes I am very lonely indeed. All friends are married and have kids and I've just endlessly fucked it up.
can you try and get on the list for an NHS therapist?
Sounds like you're doing amazing work with three little ones
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that life doesn't always turn out how you want it.

[springydaffs]

It sounds like you've had some contact with Womens Aid? Did they recommend the Freedom programme? They usually do.

It's a wonderful course - if wonderful is the right word.. Gets your head straight in record time, plus you meet people in similar situations - that goes a long way to breaking the isolation and general crapness about yourself. You also get a LOT of practical support/suggestions from the faciitators, who are well trained. Many offer free childcare if that's an issue with the littlies.

Don't be hard on yourself, 2s. You've been through a great deal. It takes time to get over all that [t-shirt..] so give yourself a break. With the right support - eg WA, FP - you will get through this, a step at a time

[2sCompany]

Sorry, should have been clearer on that, I meant 3 children as well as a newborn, so 4 altogether. Also approaching 40 in 2.5 years! But Gin, I don't think that rules you out from having children altogether, there's all sorts of options. You sound so much like me - friends that are left are all 'doing life right', so we're left feeling inadequate. As you say, still trying to come to terms with things not being as you expected... goes back to my original point of how to let go of the idea of loving and being loved. Same though, life is fucking hard, I feel like I should be thankful and yes, people stop inviting you!

springy, yes they did tell me about it when I first saw them. I have the book and it's a difficult read as I can see elements of him in every chapter. Things I never really wanted to admit were a problem. However, they told me at the time that the courses run near me don't allow babies/children. I don't have childcare and they don't provide it, so the book is as far as I've got. I don't have a lot of confidence in WA as they never have my notes when I've called them or dropped in, even when my health visitor contacted them, so I've had to go over everything from the beginning again and again.