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Relationships

I want children, but not with my husband due to his temper/attitude.

76 replies

CK3993 · 23/06/2017 16:15

Sorry that this has turned in to such a long read! I've been as brief as possible, but I struggled to explain things without using examples.

I've been with my husband for 17 years, I'm 34 and he's 39.

Most of the time we get on really well, we have lots in common and are best friends etc. It's this connection that's stopping me from just leaving at the moment.

My husband has a bad temper, which is triggered by his mood more than anything bad actually happening - basically, if he wants to lose his temper he'll find a reason. He's never hit or pushed me and I'm sure he never would, but he does break things and say horrible things. It's always really upset me because I'm very mild-mannered & just want a peaceful life, but it only happens a few times a year so I've put up with it so far.

A few years ago I moved 100 miles away for a job opportunity, so we only saw each other at weekends. This lasted 3 years, I moved back last Christmas, and it's since then that I've really noticed how incompatible we are. I think living alone most of the time has made him feel a bit 'master of the house', and the minor problems we had have really intensified.

He just won't be questioned, about anything, he always knows best. And if something goes wrong he always needs to find someone to blame - usually me - even when something's just an accident. I feel like I can't be annoyed at something myself because I need to defuse him. A quick example - a plastic panel on my car window (purely decorative) was loose, I forgot it was loose and took a long drive and it fell off while we were on the motorway. Obviously I was annoyed at myself, but he ranted on so much I ended up defending myself saying it's not a big deal, it's my car and I'll deal with it etc.

We're in Florida at the moment with my younger brother (mid-20s, not a child), I asked him before we left home to try to tone down his typically strong language, but he's made no effort at all. For example, I hit my head off the marble worktop in the apartment and neither OH or brother turned to see if I was ok. I made a lighthearted "charming!" type comment, and he called me a horrible twat! Just totally unnecessary escalation, under the guise of 'humour'.

The other day at Magic Kingdom he screamed at me in front of my brother and other people in the park, because I walked out into heavy rain instead of staying in a crowded ride exit (I freak out in tightly crowded spaces). He knows I love MK and was looking forward to the day, but still decided to embarrass me because his expensive t-shirt got wet.

He's also taken to doing something I've seen his father do - rolls his eyes or harrumphs at anything silly I say. I have a self-deprecating sense of humour so I often point out daft things I think and do and he used to laugh at them, but now if there's people around he'll roll his eyes instead even thought I know he'd find it funny or at least would know I'm not being serious.

That was all a bit of a rant, and I want to reiterate that most of the time he is great and I love him dearly. I'm very messy and disorganised, and he is brilliant at keeping me alive! I just feel like we're on opposing teams all the time, and although I have no parenting experience I feel like to be successful you need to be a solid unit. I also really don't want to be one of those couples that makes people feel awkward because they obviously hate each other and can't be bothered to hide it any more.

We've talked about having children and have both been vaguely positive about having them, but not 100% sure. I've now realised I definitely do want children, my uncertainty is whether I should have them with him. I know he won't consider counselling, he won't even have the most casual discussions with me about anything related to our relationship.

Writing this out makes it clear to me that we're incompatible and I should leave, but it ignores that 95% of the time that we have a great time, and that's what's giving me pause. So any wisdom on what we/I can do here would be very appreciated!

(just a note - I realise I'm no spring chicken, and if I leave there's no guarantee I'll meet someone else and be able have children with them.)

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 23/06/2017 16:18

Blimey, leave the DH and find someone nice to have a family with. He sounds awful Flowers

PickAChew · 23/06/2017 16:19

You definitely should not have children with a man who barely disguises his contempt for you. When you have children, there are many more things for him to be pissed off and impatient with you about and the kids would probaly get on his nerves, too. They would also notice the tension between you.

ElspethFlashman · 23/06/2017 16:21

Well that's the thing. You're 34. Much as it's tempting to drift along musing on the subject, you can't.

You have to shit or get off the pot.

And of course he would be an appalling Dad as he is emotionally abusive. No child of his would remember much from their childhood except his nasty temper and how anxious they always were.

He doesn't deserve a wife much less a child.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 23/06/2017 16:22

I think you already know that you should not have children with this man. So, the question is, do you make peace with that and love him enough to stay with him despite that or make the break and give yourself the option with someone else.
I have such huge sympathy and my past was rather similar. What you describe sounds like you are also waking up to truly seeing him and how bad his attitude/behaviour. Regardless of children, you deserve more than that and you deserve to be happy. It's not too late to make those choices and give yourself options. I can't guarantee you anything, but I promise you that happy endings are out there and it's better to be alone and happy than stuck in a miserable relationship.

ThinkFastNotSlow · 23/06/2017 16:22

Flowers Well, you've answered your own question really. And the longer you stay with him, the more time is passing.

If he can't / won't discuss your relationship, imagine how lonely it will be to parent with him - alongside you and your children, but not together IYSWIM.

It sounds as though you've, rightly, decided you don't have a future together. Flowers

Wallywobbles · 23/06/2017 16:22

Elspeth sums it up nicely. Time to say goodbye.

biqueen · 23/06/2017 16:24

Check out the word 'narcissist'

Wolfiefan · 23/06/2017 16:26

He would make an awful father.
His behaviour is vile. I bet he doesn't behave like that at work or around strangers. Just you?
Bad temper?
He's rude and abusive?
Won't be questioned?
Blames you?
He won't talk about the relationship?
Get out!
And also. He keeps you alive? Fuck that. You're a grown assed woman who can look after herself!

HerOtherHalf · 23/06/2017 16:26

He doesn't seem nearly as nice as you're trying to convince yourself with your optimistic 95% measure. Besides, children can bring pressures to bear that can test the most laid back of parents. if he is bad now, there's a high chance he'll be ten times worse if you have children. And looking at the longer game, do you really want to take this risk that any children you do have will be subjected to the same demeaning behaviour by him as well?
You've still got a very long life ahead of you, make the most of it.

RiseToday · 23/06/2017 16:28

You've set the bar very low for yourself if you think he's great most of the time.

It would be a terrible mistake to have a child with him. His temper will escalate beyond anything you can imagine with the stress that comes with having a baby. I can't even begin to tell you how hard we found it and my husband is very mild mannered and has tons of patience.

CK3993 · 23/06/2017 16:30

Wow, thanks everyone for the quick and to-the-point replies!

I feel kind of bad, because I'm sure he could make a similar post picking out examples of when I've been unpleasant to be around - but then that just confirms that we're incompatible.

I need to get this holiday out of the way (3 days left!) and I'll talk to him when we get home. To be honest, the thought of getting a little flat in my own, in my favourite city which I left to come back to our house is very exciting!

OP posts:
RiseToday · 23/06/2017 16:34

We can all be unpleasant at times but he really does sound like an abusive, controlling bell end.

I appreciate you've been together a long time but you don't have any more time to waste. He needs to sling his hook.

ImperialBlether · 23/06/2017 16:37

You will feel more like you're on holiday when you're in your own place than you will in Florida with him.

He sounds awful. I'm sure occasionally he can be nice, but the things you've said are massive red flags. Don't even dream about having a baby with him.

springydaffs · 23/06/2017 16:39

Do you recognise this?

He is abusive. You have a 'great' time 95% of the time bcs you pander to him and give in and keep quiet.

Perhaps do the Freedom Programme to confirm you are right to leave him that you aren't 'compatible'.

I'm excited for you!

disconnecteddrifter · 23/06/2017 16:41

Have you spoken to him?

ExplodingCarrots · 23/06/2017 16:42

Coming from someone who grew up with a shouty , short tempered father I would definitely advise not having kids with him. My father also couldn't accept blame and would lose it over the simplest things and blame me or my DM. It's turned me into an adult with diagnosed anxiety and who also apologises ALOT for things I don't need to.

I know it's hard to make that step because there are good times.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday. I'm very envious, I love the MK too.

Adora10 · 23/06/2017 16:43

I stopped reading after the first few lines.

He's vile OP, I think the good times you have are kidding you into believing this is a normal healthy relationship, it actually sounds slightly abusive, he seems to enjoy putting you down and verbally abuses you, no wonder you don't want children with him, in fact why the hell did you marry such a nasty piece of work, I shuddered reading the first few lines.

I'd put money on you meeting someone a zillion times better.

Hermonie2016 · 23/06/2017 16:46

I recommend you download "why does he do that" by Lundy..get it to read before you have the conversation.It maybe a lightbulb moment for you.

WeeMcBeastie · 23/06/2017 16:53

Definitely leave him. My EXH was like this before the DC came along. As others have said - he then got worse! He also has no relationship with them now which is sad. I love my daughters but if I really wish they had a better father!

Atenco · 23/06/2017 16:53

He is turning into his father, which is what happens to people who never stop to examine their behaviour.

Personally I think it is a primary need for parents to be able to doubt and question themselves, he is incapable of it or of any further growth.

NellieFiveBellies · 23/06/2017 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JigsawBat · 23/06/2017 16:54

The very fact that you're posting this on a Disney holiday shows how bad it is.

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CK3993 · 23/06/2017 16:57

Again - thanks very much everyone, the lightbulb is well and truly lit!

And I don't know how to quote here, but JigsawBat - thanks for a properly rueful lol!

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 23/06/2017 16:58

How much shit would you accept in a cup of tea?

Exactly - none, none at all, none is the only acceptable amount of shit in a cup of tea.

The same goes for abuse in a relationship IMO.
Yes, we can all have an off day or be in a foul mood. It's what we DO with that that matters.

Run for the hills.
I had my DS1 aged 37, DS4 just before my 44th birthday. Just sayin'.

Thanks

Therealslimshady1 · 23/06/2017 16:58

I don't buy the "he's great 95/ of the time", sorry.

You are probably so used to appeasing him, it has become your "normal". Are you ever allowed to have a bad mood? You answer that and said no, you aren't. You have to keep things light.

A real partner has your back. It sounds like your H has contempt for you.

Don't think there is any overcoming that.

I think your instinct is telling you this too

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