New partner depressed and disappearing

[namechang3r]

10 mths. OLD. Was going slow, no promises, no big declarations etc, just fun, living for now, and all great. Was seeing him 2 or 3 times a week. Then about 2 mths ago, he stopped coming over so much. Due to his "work and life pressures".

We've both been open about our issues. I've done masses of counselling and feel v self aware, although I'm still fragile in ways, but I'm a tough old bird and I'll be ok. Recently I discovered he's massively depressed, much worse than I'd realised. And not getting help.

I know depression well. I know it can make you selfish and insular. I know that's not the real him, but it's how his illness makes him behave. He's actually lovely. Kind, thoughtful, generous and fun! Just not so much at the moment. With me at least.

He says he has no-one. And he's started to hide away. Still texting a lot (but less than previously) and I now only see him once a week, and even that looks like it might be diminishing. I've asked him if he wants me to go, he says no. But I'm really getting the bare minimum out of this at the mo, and am having to remind myself constantly that it's not because of me.

He's also manipulated my emotions and guilt tripped me into getting his own way a couple of times recently, which has made me wonder if I can even trust that this whole thing isn't a smokescreen for something else.

We both know I can't fix him. My brain is telling me to end it, my heart doesn't want to. Can we recover? If I stay and try to support him can we get back to where we were and continue progressing? Or am I fooling myself into a non-relationship that's all about him? Does anyone have experience of life after depression with a fairly new partner? Am I a deluded doormat who's just here to pick up his self esteem?

[bumblebee61]

The first step is for him to get help, as I'm sure you realise. He needs to get counselling and speak to his doctor. If he isn't willing to do this, there is no point sticking around. He needs to want to help himself. It's hard when you are depressed to get motivated, but he'll have to find the will to do so if he wants to save your relationship.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Ditto what bumble says. If he's not interested in getting help for himself, despite what he can see his issues are doing to your relationship, then it's a bit of a no-go really. If he's not sufficiently invested to want help to recover, then it might be a bit of a red flag for him seeing you either as 'saviour' or 'scapegoat' and I can't imagine you want to be any of those things.

[noego]

If you go with your heart on this occasion you will enable his illness. Better to move on. Let him sort himself out and when he feels ready to contact you again. Perhaps you breaking it off will give him the impetus to do something about it, if you handle it compassionately if you see what I mean.

[smitti]

I imagine you have considered he's met someone else OP? Depression appears to be a common excuse for iffy behaviour.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Use your brain to extricate yourself from this mess of a relationship before you get even further over invested in him. He is not your project nor yours to rescue and or save. This is really a non relationship that is becoming all about him and he is really not relationship material. Why he wants a relationship is anyone's guess really; he probably just wants someone to look after him.

I do not think you know the real him at all despite your protestations to the contrary.

You are writing about trying to support him; you are woefully underqualified to help him and importantly he does not want your help.

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; being either simply does not work.

[namechang3r]

Thank you for replies. Perspective is good, and you've reassured me. I do know this is not healthy, or I wouldn't be asking the question. Attila your words came across as harsh when I first read, but I think you're right. I'm reverting to fixer mode and I know that's not my responsibility.

Oh smitti, a third party had certainly crossed my mind. When he disappears I try to tell myself I've got no reason to mistrust him, but I'm a seasoned MNer and nothing would surprise me. It would actually be a blessing, if I found out, as he could lean on her.

I'm going to extricate myself as gently as possible. I hope he'll be glad and feel that he'd engineered the whole situation.

There is something better out there for me. But fuck it hurts. Hopefully I'll learn this time.

[MoreProseccoNow]

At 10 months in, you should be having fun. Most people are on their best (ish) behaviour at this stage.

It all sounds hard work.

He is showing you who he is.

Why are you staying?

[MistressDeeCee]

Its a non-relationship. Its all about him and he's removed himself as he's met someone else. You are either the fallback "just in case" woman, or he doesn't have the guts to finish with you outright so wants you to end it, or just gets off on playing games. Has he been medically diagnosed with depression and if so do you have evidence of this? There are people out there with depression who don't treat their partners like shit tho. Either way get rid, all the to-ing & fro-ing and sob stories are too wearisome. Whats the point?

[lobsterface]

You sound like me 18 months ago - exact same scenario including OLD. I stuck with him because I felt like I couldn't leave - he wasn't telling even his parents the full story. I ended up feeling if we could get through depression we could get through anything. Then he got better. And the bastard cheated on me and dumped me.

So if I could go back 18 months I'd walk away - I was only staying because he was ill and ultimately that wasn't what either of us deserved.

the manipulation sounds horrible and that alone should be a prompt to leave. Do what's best for you - sometimes the head has s good point.

[lobsterface]

Ps- it's not about learning. It's about the right person. Or so I'm told!

[TheNaze73]

He's letting you go gently. He's moved on

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Extricating yourself gently might be cruel. The kindest is to end it firmly and quickly without blame. "This isn't working for me. It's me not you. It is over. It is time for us to both move on. "

That kind of statement and don't get drawn into negotiation or giving "reasons" just not that into it.