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Dating my counsellor's son

(27 Posts)
Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 09:27:42

This is a weird one. A while ago I had counselling for depression and relationship issues. My friend recommended her mum as a counsellor and her mum agreed to take me on as a client, as even though I was a friend of her daughter, she didn't know me personally. A year or so after ending counselling, I went to my friend's wedding. Obviously her mum was there, but it was fine and not awkward really.
The complication arose then as I got talking to my friend's brother and we really liked each other. We've been dating for a couple of months now and are on the verge of a relationship. My friend isn't happy and her mum isn't either, because obviously the whole situation is incredibly awkward. I feel terrible about it but we have really got something special I think. Obviously it is early days, but I don't want to just throw something away if it has potential to be really amazing.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this weird situation?

ohfourfoxache Fri 23-Jun-17 09:33:39

I think it's nobody's business but your own. Don't worry about the mum's opinion at all. Friends are trickier but it's up to you and the chap you're seeing. Ultimately their opinions don't count.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 09:35:30

Well he has been very open with his mum and I think she will come round. With my friend, I feel bad that she is upset but I wouldn't have done this lightly. It is early days, but we are both equally besotted by each other and it has been rather lovely.

ohfourfoxache Fri 23-Jun-17 09:36:59

If she's really a friend then, if this is successful, she'll come round.

The difficulty will come if it ends badly

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 09:37:35

Yes I know that. If it ends badly I won't be forgiven.

cakecakecheese Fri 23-Jun-17 09:40:26

So he's not just your former councellor's son, he's your friend's brother? I can see why your friend might be a little put out, she might worry that it could interfere with your friendship? Can you talk to her about it? If she knows how much you like her brother maybe she'll come round.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Fri 23-Jun-17 09:41:32

To be fair, to particularly your friend's mum, it is awkward but it must happen across professions like this where personal and confidential data has been disclosed. No-one has behaved inappropriately. You met later and in a social setting. Does she have a professional body who could advise her on do's and dont's? I think you owe it to your bf and you to give the relationship a go. But you dont want the awkwardness to fester.

I wonder if you speak to bf's mum on her own about it. Show her that you care about her feelings. After all if things go well she will be in your life for a long time.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 09:42:42

I have talked to her but I think she needs time. She did say her mum was her main concern. I think if it works out, we will be fine. I know the risk I take though, if it doesn't.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 09:43:20

I will speak to his mum at some point, definitely. She's a lovely lady.

T1mum3 Fri 23-Jun-17 09:46:04

I do think it was a bit inappropriate for her mum to take you on as a client in the first place, given that you might be in social situations together. I don't see how you are at fault here and I don't think you should change your relationship because of this.

With regard to your friend, agree, she may be feeling awkward that you are dating her brother and what she says may not be the real issue.

Caulkheadupnorf Fri 23-Jun-17 09:48:32

Have you seen Prime?

My therapist is amazing. If I was in a relationship and it ended then she would be the first person I would want to tell. That would be harder if she was involved in it somehow. Have you thought about this?

IME a lot of professional bodies won't let therapists or counsellors work with peole where there is already a known link - it's a conflict of boundaries.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 09:49:01

He's younger than me (late 30s and he is late 20s.) So that probably makes her feel a bit ick about it as well. But again, it isn't a reason why we shouldn't be together and it isn't an issue for me or my bf.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 09:49:59

I haven't seen prime. Well regardless I obviously can't see her again, but I'd have to find another counsellor if I needed one. I wish I'd done that in the first place!

Bubblegumfan Fri 23-Jun-17 09:54:38

As a counsellor this would feel really weird for me, we work hard to keep work and private life seperate. Depending on the client it can even be awkward bumping into them in a supermarket or pub. Personally i would not engage a therapuetic relationship with anyone who has a close link to friend or family unless it was unavoidable (as in the link isnt known until several sessions in)

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 23-Jun-17 10:06:27

From a Counsellor POV, I would find this weird and a bit stalkerish. I may even ask my DS to end the relationship. But then I would not have taken you as a client in the forst place OP.

From a client POV, I would hate for my therapist to be my MiL. She knows all my secrets and I love that no matter how long the break, she is there for me whenever I need her.

AnyFucker Fri 23-Jun-17 10:07:51

I am going to go against the early grain here, but...of all the blokes in the world ? hmm

Hurraahhnaptime Fri 23-Jun-17 10:19:36

I think the councillor MIL should not have taken you on as a client as there is a clear link to her daughter. It was her mistake and not yours. She will have to now deal with the consequences of not having firm enough boundaries in the first place.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 10:22:58

Honestly I do get what everyone is saying. I know there are other men in the world and I have contemplated ending it over this. But there aren't any men I've connected with like this early on, not for a very long time.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 23-Jun-17 10:24:24

He wouldn't end the relationship even if she asked him to. But she hasn't asked him that. She asked if he was happy and he said he was very very happy with me.

Bubblegumfan Fri 23-Jun-17 12:24:48

Im not sure what you want to us to say then op, you want a relationship witht his man and do not seem put of by the implications of this. I really wish you well

AvoidingCallenetics Fri 23-Jun-17 12:34:46

I don't think this is a healthy situation at all and you should end this relationship really. No one falls in love instantly - you have chosen to get involved with your counsellors son and friend's brother. It's just too messy imo

Isadora2007 Fri 23-Jun-17 12:43:55

It's the counsellors fault really from the get-go as she had the professional responsibility to ensure she didn't overlap her personal and professional boundaries so she should have said no.
Now she is probably regretting taking you on as it's impossible for her to forget what she "knows" about you as a client and see you as a sons girlfriend. Plus he issuenof age and you being her daughters friend. It's messy.

But maybe a clean start can be agreed as you're all adults. You didn't nothing wrong.

Somerville Fri 23-Jun-17 12:44:18

Dating a friend's brother surely isn't a big deal. People form that kind of romantic relationship all the time.

But... having your former counsellor as a MIL, if this progresses? Even the thought makes me simultaneously shudder and cringe. I've talked through some deep, deep shit with mine. Perhaps if your sessions didn't get especially deep or personal it would be less hideously embarrassing? I don't know though, I don't think I could do it.

AvoidingCallenetics Fri 23-Jun-17 12:51:59

I don't think this is the counsellors fault. She agreed to treat someone that she had never met. She had no reason to ever think that the OP would date her son.
I think it is 'icky', for want of a better word. Someone up thread said slightly stalkerish. I don't think OP did this on purpose exactly but it's true, of all the men in thr world she wants this one.

EssentialHummus Fri 23-Jun-17 12:52:50

My friend recommended her mum as a counsellor and her mum agreed to take me on as a client, as even though I was a friend of her daughter, she didn't know me personally

This is already making red lights flash IMO.

With my psych hat on, are you aware that the reason you may find yourself so attracted to this guy is because of your associations to his mum? Sorry to go all Freudian on you, but I think it's a possibility.

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