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Husband had affair, now separated, advice neede(21 Posts)
Hi, I really need advice. I have been married for 17 years and have 2 children 11 and 8. My husband has worked long days for the past year and I work shifts so we have not seen much of each other and seemed to get into a rut of taking care of the children but not of each other. I still dearly loved my husband and thought we had a strong bond which would keep us together. 3 weeks ago while kids were away we had a night talking to each other. I told him I really loved him and wanted him to cut down working hours, he said he felt we were growing apart. I even jokingly asked him if he was having an affair which he laughed off. We had sex that night, first time in a while and then the next day we had a lovely day together and again made love. 3 days later I found messages on his phone from another woman who I know he has been friends with for a while. I told him I had found the texts and he said straight away our marriage is over and he has not been in love with me for 2 years.
I feel like my entire life has been ripped apart. I am completely devasted. My husband says this is mostly my fault due to my lack of affection which has driven him to having an affair. My self esteem is no existent and although I am functioning for my 2 sons nothing else seems to matter. We planned lots of things for the future, summer holiday booked, skiing holiday planned, stuff bought for the house, everything pointed to him planning to remain married to him whilst continuing to have an affair. He says he was trying to let me down gently.
We are going to tell the kids this weekend which will be the worst day of my life. However we have this family holiday booked in 2 weeks time which will be worse for the kids if we cancel it. I wouldn't be able to cope on my own as there is an amount of travelling about involved. None of my friends can go either. My husband who is completely devoid of any emotion tells me that he can do the holiday with me. I am an emotional wreck, how can I do this holiday but if I don't how can I disappoint my children,? I couldn't bear it.
I'm so sorry.
Not sure I have real advice for you however know that you are not alone and it's not your fault.Every long marriage goes through troughs and he had a responsibility to talk to you.
The reality is he loved the attention.
Give yourself time to get over the shock.Talk to family or friends..sadly you should also get an sti check.
Forget about the holiday for now, if you tell the children and they ask you can say it's not decided.2 weeks with a man who says he doesn't love you and maybe texting or talking to ow will be awful for you.More tramatic than not going.
Do seriously consider him going solo, if he plans to be a single dad this is what his life will be like..all the responsibility for childcare.
Get yourself to a solicitor.Knowledge is power.
Will be move out to be with her? I think getting him to realise his losses is important..at the moment he maybe feeling he has the best of both worlds..stable home life and exciting ow on the side.A dose of reality might sharpen his focus.
It's not your fault, he chose to have an affair.He had other options within the marriage but chose the route he preferred.
He's a shit stain for not telling you much earlier that he was falling out of love with you.
He is right that with no affection there really is no relationship. He had a responsibility to voice his needs and disappointment with your lack of affection 2 years ago.
Sorry this is happening to you.
Don't go on the holiday
He sounds vile. More vile for letting you think everything was ok. At least if he was unhappy he should have bee honest about that
It is not EVER your fault that he had an affair. Instead of talking to you about his concerns he CHOSE to have an affair. Remember that. This is not your fault. The WHOLE blame lies at his feet, not yours. He has treated you very badly.
I don't normally advice on this , but I do read posts , and I want to say how sorry I am for you , I know what you are feeling , the exact thing happened to me 11 years ago , and my husband said the exact words , we also had a holiday booked , it was a disaster , he left the day we got back ,was like a different person while away , it was terrible , for me and the children , if I can give you advice , don't go on this trip , if by any chance you can work it out in the future , you can go then away , keep strong , you will get the strength from somewhere x
I agree with the pps who say not to go on the holiday with him. Go alone with your dc, they are old enough to travel with one parent. You don't need him spoiling the holiday for them.
Do you have to stick to the original plan of the holiday with all the "travelling about" - do you mean driving abroad?
Can you just go with the DC and adapt it to fit your needs?
Don't go on the holiday - sod the money and book something else for you ahd the kids that you can manage to take them to - centre parcs or a U.K. Hôtel maybe?
Make your oh tell them. They are old enough to know the truth of sorts.
Im so sorry this is happening to you. It's not your fault and you deserve better.
Oh and remember he's cheated on the ow too with you - it's not like everything is rosy there. She'd probably be very unhappy to learn you and your oh had sex so recently,
Let him take the DC away whilst you start sorting yourself out for you?
Yes - he is two years 'ahead' of you in the process so he really owes you quite a bit of time to think, grieve and process things.
He can start by taking the children on this holiday and fielding all their questions whilst they are there.
This is the darkest time, you will feel better in a little while - honest.
My husband says this is mostly my fault due to my lack of affection which has driven him to having an affair
Just to say, no matter what your relationship was like, he's a fucking liar. What drives a man to having an affair is simply having found a new place to stick his dick. Just.
He's a heartless pig Jude I'm sorry to read this. He's had months if not years to detach from you emotionally while he had his other woman.
If he blamed lack of affection on him seeking the affair then what's his excuse for cheating on his OW by having sex with you the other day?
If he doesn't love you then he's proven he can't be trusted to keep it in his pants for any relationship.
The OW will fall victim the same way.
Don't go with him on holiday, take the kids yourself and embrace your new found independence.
Going with him will be torturous and neither of you can escape. The kids will pick up on the tension and upset.
You can do this
Thank you for your replies. Today has been the worst day of my life. We sat our 2 lovely children down and told them that their dad doesn't love me any more and he is moving out. The children were devastated and it broke my heart. I told them they would still have their holiday so I will have to deal with that one way or another. I work shifts I and i told him i want to move to day shift to provide more stability for the children and also to prevent him for staying in the house to look after the kids while im at work. He said if i do this he will force the house to be sold? Surely he cant do this?
He could only force the sale by going to court and that would only be as part of the financial settlement.
What you are proposing is reasonable, he isn't so just take it as threats and sadly a sign he isn't going to be pleasant.My ex didn't have an affair (that I know about and no one has appeared yet) however he turned on me and became abusive.I never imagined he would fight over finances but he has.Please be on your guard as he's no longer your friend.His hostile attitude will feel like another betrayal but to assuage his guilt, for leaving, he has to blame you.
I guess he didnt like you taking some control back by suggesting day shifts.
Telling my dc was also the worst day of my life..8 months on it's better, not ideal but some good days and not so bad days.
You will get through this.I'm so sorry, why some men just decide to bail is hard to comprehend.Its their weakness not you.
You don't need to run things by him anymore Jude.
Swap to day shifts and ask him to leave the home.
He has made his (fucking selfish) decision so now you need to make decisions that are best for you and your boys. 💐
Tell him work have asked you to do it and it suits you so just do the swap.
bloody hell he is utterly vile. He needs to move out and you need a shit hot lawyer. This man is no longer your friend or counsel so do not tell him anything which you are planning to do.
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