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How to survive an abusive relationship.

11 replies

Newname999000 · 22/06/2017 07:46

I'm trapped for the next 16 months in this relationship.
He is abusive, he is controlling, he makes sure I only have access to about 5 percent of his income (by the time ive bought food and paid for dds classes I have nearly nothing left) each week. I have access to bank statements but no cards, other than a cash card he's given me which he puts money on each week its the sort of thing aimed at parents with kids for pocket money etc he makes me feel like a child. He has hit me many times over the years but its "only" every few months (I know, I understand, it should be 0 and its awful that it isn't)
There are legal issues surrounding why I cannot (yet) leave. But I'm planning my escape. Has anyone ever been in this situation? How do you survive emotionally? How do you carry on? I wish I could just walk out and never turn back but I can't :(

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roseandlavender · 22/06/2017 07:48

Can you say a bit more about why you feel trapped?

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Newname999000 · 22/06/2017 07:53

I cant be overly specific but I'm in another country, I'm from the UK though. Anyhow, I have recieved official advice from several channels including an immigration solicitor and the only women's shelter place here.
Leaving right now would have very heavy legal implications including possibly losing my baby (to him). I will be able to leave, just have to wait it out :( in theory if I wanted to go tomorrow I could but it would mean having to leave the country and leave dd here that is not happening. Ever.

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Barees · 22/06/2017 08:41

A therapist? Someone safe to offload to? Depending on where you live it might've better to Skype one in the U.K. - even near where you want to return to. I know it costs, but if you have a private account could you do it without him knowing?

Are you married? Could you also keep a record of things and send to someone (parents, a friend) for safe keeping? So if he hits you and there's a mark, send a photo with details of how it happened? Then you could have some trail of the physical abuse. You could also keep a diary (start a new email account) of the other abuse?

It wouldn't stop anything and you'd need to be SUPER careful how you go about it, but it might feel like you're doing something to build up for your future in terms of access to kids in the future. Maybe speak to lawyer about the use of all that first.

I'm just brain storming really.

If you're not in the uk and will return, and I'm guessing his income is high so technically money shouldn't be an issue, could do something like an OU course as an "investment" in your getting back to work one day (unless he doesn't want you to do it'd be a dangerous issue), or for fun (if that idea could work)? That way you'd have something moving your life forward and to focus on too that might take the edge off the extreme stress you're going to be under.

And I'm not telling you to leave him now, because I understand your situation. Living abroad, especially when you're financially reliant on your partner is more vulnerable than most people can imagine. My situation has been similar (different abuse) and it's unimaginable to many on this site that you can't call Woman's Aid or move back to your parents' temporarily. And often you're living bing somewhere where social and school life involves a lot of his colleagues/their partners so it can be like a gossipy village. Hope that's not your situation OP, but I've been there and before that (when I knew I would never be in that situation) seen other people in it.

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Newname999000 · 22/06/2017 09:17

Don't think I'd get away with therapy, it costs here and I wouldn't be able to justify the cost (to him, I ,think I'd benefit from therapy)its hard enough to get cash when I do desperately need it for eg new shoes or knickers. And even then he often comes with me or gives me a gift card for a particular shop. I had a money off voucher for the food shop last week, so I had a very small amount of money spare. It felt so so good to be able to have that and know he can't tell me how to spend it. I think secret cash back/vouchers from the food shop is the only way I can get some spare cash. .that aside, back to the original point I'll investigate the cost of online therapy.
Money isn't what stops me leaving. I'll have to leave with close to nothing anyway, even in 16 months. But its the legal/visa implications that would mean I can't stay in this country with dd but without h or abroad (UK) with dd and without h. One of those will be possible in 16 months. Just have to wait. It seems so far away but I can't leave my baby girl here.

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jeaux90 · 22/06/2017 09:35

Where are you? Gulf? It's the summer holidays soon can you "visit" relatives?

I assume you need his permission to leave the country?

I was in an abusive relationship and was trapped in Qatar with my dd. I have been where you are. I managed to get out, took me almost a year.

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Newname999000 · 22/06/2017 09:46

I don't feel safe revealing my location, but you're along the right lines jeaux. I have broached the subject of going on "holiday" he will not allow this but has offered to pay for a family member of mine to come here.

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jeaux90 · 22/06/2017 09:50

Do you have elderly relatives that can't travel? Would he consider you taking a break to see them "on their last legs" with your dd?

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jeaux90 · 22/06/2017 09:53

Another question. You have your RP and I assume your dd is under your husbands WP?

Is it a heavy ex pat zone? Did you have a visa rep that dealt with your family visa's etc? They are usually a separate company that your husbands employers pay for.

Is there a chance you could work?

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bibliomania · 22/06/2017 12:59

Take him up on the offer of having your relative there for as long as you can manage. It might inhibit him a bit.

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Hissy · 22/06/2017 13:48

My love, have been in similar situation.

Is DD a british citizen?

Is there any chance you can make contact with the British Embassy or Consulate and ask for help/advice?

having a relative visit might help you feel better

If you really do have to wait it out, please know that it will not always be like this, that one day you will be free and you will be home.

You just have to work out the best way of doing it so you and DD are free of him.

Do you have a decent family? I thought I did until I found myself in this situation. They exacerbated it actually and hindered my return to the UK.

I don't have anything to do with them now, not purely because of my time abroad, there were additional straws that broke that camel's back, but it was a real shock at how they said one thing and did others.