Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Pregnant: dh watching porn instead of sex

(65 Posts)
smileygrapefruit Wed 21-Jun-17 21:27:17

Namechanged for this one. Dh doesn't want to have sex with me now I'm quite heavily pregnant. He has been very honest that it just makes him feel uncomfortable and doesn't like the idea of doing it while the baby is in there but I have in the past made my feelings about porn very clear I.e. I don't like it and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It has been 6 weeks since we had sex so I asked him tonight outright if he'd been doing it and he admitted he had 3 times over the last few weeks. He was very sorry for upsetting me getting caught but I feel like he's totally broken my trust. He will be home from work soon and we will be discussing the issue further. What should I do/say? Obviously I'm pretty hormonal but I feel so hurt.

smileygrapefruit Wed 21-Jun-17 21:32:29

Ffs name change fail. Oh well.

HildaOg Wed 21-Jun-17 21:43:12

He's probably afraid of hurting the baby, he's not the first man to be creeped out/terrified of heavily pregnant woman sex.

Regarding porn... It's just images men use to wank over. It doesn't mean anything. It's not like he's involved with another woman. Pick your battles.

TokenGinger Wed 21-Jun-17 21:44:08

It's hard to advise on this one.

I personally think it's his body and if he wants to masturbate, he has the right to touch his own body to do so without permission.

But, I do understand how you'd feel rejected so it's hard to say! I think you do with what you think feels right to you as the person in this situation.

smileygrapefruit Wed 21-Jun-17 21:49:40

I wouldn't be as upset if he was wanking without porn but I have told him how I feel about it (people have differing opinions on porn and that's fine but I have my views)...rejecting me and instead watching pretty, skinny little things doing god knows what makes me feel sick.

DinosaurMawm146 Wed 21-Jun-17 21:54:11

I'm sorry to hear that you feel the way you do, so can I ask: is he only averse to sex if it is penetrative? Perhaps you could ask him to engage in oral sex etc, as he might not be so freaked out about it.
Also, it is a serious issue that he has broken your trust, and not something that should be ignored. Have you ever had an honest discussion about your feelings on pornography? Maybe if he heard why it makes you uncomfortable, and if you heard his reasoning behind watching it, you could reach an agreement, or at least a compromise over the issue.

SparklingRaspberry Wed 21-Jun-17 22:14:35

You say you wouldn't be 'as upset' if he was wanking without porn. 1) you have no right to be upset over what he does with/to his own body. 2) if he wanks without porn he's still gunna be imagining something that involves a naked woman.

It sounds like he doesn't want sex out of fear he could hurt the baby. Many men feel like this. As hard as it is, you can't allow yourself to take it personally.

Is he still affectionate in other ways?

Kloupware Thu 22-Jun-17 09:55:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Brahms3rdracket Thu 22-Jun-17 10:03:13

His reaction to sex during pregnancy is very normal and doesn't reflect his feelings about you at all.

I understand your dislike of porn, but I think it's controlling to insist your partner follows your rules when masturbating. You are entitled to object but he is not obliged to follow rules you've set.

I don't believe any man actually wants to have a relationship with a porn star, it's all fantasy. I fantasize about all sorts of things I don't really want during a wank, it doesn't reflect reality in any way.

Teddy6767 Thu 22-Jun-17 10:04:20

Even if he wanks without porn he's still going to be imagining lots of breats and vaginas in his head, or fantasising about a celebrity or someone attractive he's made up in his head. I think it's unrealistic to expect someone to only ever masturbate over their partner. It would be nice if that was the case but it's human nature to find other people sexually appealing

sexcauldron Thu 22-Jun-17 10:12:34

Him watching porn has nothing to do with your appearance, he just wants a wank.

Adora10 Thu 22-Jun-17 13:01:43

I think that is very sad, that he's using porn when you are heavily pregnant, load of bull, I think he's just lazy OP and can't be arsed.

Josuk Thu 22-Jun-17 13:19:35

OP - you are entitled to your feelings about porn.
However, do realise that you are being hormonal - especially in the last phase of pregnancy.
Equally - he is entitled to feeling uneasy and being afraid to hurt the baby.

It's unreasonable to dictate how your partner masturbates - imagining women in his head, or looking at porn.
We are all sexual and visual beings. Porn images are exciting, and so are (btw) women he sees everyday on the street - in tight t-shirts or short dresses. They are there, can't demand he doesn't see them. And swing them as attractive sexual beings - one can't control.

But - what matters is the choices he makes every day - which is to be your H.

Good luck with the baby!

Brahms3rdracket Thu 22-Jun-17 13:19:51

So Adora don't you ever just feel like a wank? It might be lazy but still a normal urge.

It is normal for men to abstain when their wives are heavily pregnant, it's not done with any hurtful intent.

Adora10 Thu 22-Jun-17 13:50:59

*So Adora don't you ever just feel like a wank? It might be lazy but still a normal urge.

It is normal for men to abstain when their wives are heavily pregnant, it's not done with any hurtful intent.*

Never said it wasn't a normal urge, the OP has obviously told him previously that she does not want porn in her relationship with him, he's still using it and I think there is a chance he's using the pregnancy as an excuse; you actually don't know his intent either but fact is OP is not happy; just another take on it, you don't have to agree or disagree.

SparklingRaspberry Thu 22-Jun-17 14:14:10

If the OP didn't like porn in the relationship then she should've left.

If a woman came on here saying her husband didn't like her touching herself to porn he'd be labelled controlling so whys this any different?

Writerwannabe83 Thu 22-Jun-17 15:53:52

Please don't take it personally OP.
I'm 31 weeks pregnant and my husband won't even touch the bump never mind have sex with me because of how freaky he finds the idea of a baby being inside me grin

I'm pretty sure he's taking care of himself in terms of sexual relief but it's only natural.

If your DH has always been up for sex prior to pregnancy then there's no reason to think this is an issue that you need to take personally.

As has been said, if a man hasn't got porn in front of him then he'll just fantasise about 'pretty, skinny sexy' things anyway.

I do understand why you'd be hurt though OP - our self confidence about how we look whilst pregnant isn't exactly sky high so I can see why you thinking of him watching porn would upset you flowers

Adora10 Thu 22-Jun-17 16:24:22

our self confidence about how we look whilst pregnant isn't exactly sky high so I can see why you thinking of him watching porn would upset you

Pity her OH can't see that.

As has been said, if a man hasn't got porn in front of him then he'll just fantasise about 'pretty, skinny sexy' things anyway.

Well for me I'd much rather he used his imagination that some web cam or porn site that I may have to over hear or see, fuck that, any woman has a right to not want regular porn watching in her home and I don't care who says all men do it and need it, they don't, it's just selfish especially when the woman is about to have his baby.

Just my take OP, no doubt loads disagree but you are entitled to have your standards regarding porn, both ethically and personally.

Somerville Thu 22-Jun-17 16:34:33

There are two issue here.

1/ Sex while heavily pregnant: sex doesn't have to involve penetration of course and with a bit of imagination it is totally possible to have a great sex life even if penetration isn't advised/comfortable/desired.

2/ Him watching porn: you are allowed to have boundaries and to only choose to be in relationships with a person who respects those boundaries.

smileygrapefruit Thu 22-Jun-17 16:52:12

Sorry I'm not really sure why I posted last night. I was very upset and hurt. When he got home we discussed all the issues and he was very, very sorry. I do actually believe him that the porn hasn't been a regular thing and he won't do it anymore...he said it's really not a big deal to not do it and he was disappointed in himself for doing it when he knew how it would make me feel he obviously wasn't thinking about that at the time fwiw I didn't have any proof and hasn't been snooping, I just asked him outright.

For those of you saying it is normal, I should just accept it etc etc I actually don't think it is/I should. Most of what I've read on here about porn is that it's ok as long as it's not a substitute for intimacy with your partner. And for pp who called me controlling, my husband doesn't think I am being and completely understands the way I feel and why.

PhilTheSahd Thu 22-Jun-17 16:56:30

I found when DW was noticeably pregnant it was difficult for me to relax during sex and not worry about squashing baby from the outside by leaning on the bump too much. Also I got a feeling similar to the one I have if there's a pet in the room and trying to have sex (or now that dd is a baby the one when she was asleep in her cot but still in our room). For the last couple of months it wasn't an issue for us because dw wasn't up for it anyway.

It is possible for a man to wank without porn - there are toys that can help available at lovehoney.co.uk or at Ann Summers and some vibrators can work for both genders - although probably not as effective as they are for women. Also it's possible for blokes (as it presumably is for women) to imagine a good fantasy about your partner, depending on how good their imagination is that can be effective. For me I could imagine dw looking the most sexy I've ever seen her.

There's also the option of sex that isn't Piv

Adora10 Thu 22-Jun-17 17:00:01

Ignore the porn advocates OP, I wouldn't have it in my relationship either; he's got a brain so can do what he has to do in the shower; there's no screams or howls of some poor woman being banged by god knows who from my home and no he's not secretly thumping one out in a secret porn hub hidden away; I know he doesn't feel the need to uses porn, yeah he might have an occasional look but any man using it regularly and using it instead of having a full on sexual relationship with their partner is just bloody sad and selfish, oh and imo, supporting the whole seedy industry and the horrible men that drive it for profit.

I am really glad you got to a good place with him.

smileygrapefruit Thu 22-Jun-17 17:18:32

Thanks for making me feel like I'm not just some crazy, hormonal, pregnant person!! I can't help how I feel about it, I know lots of people are totally cool with it but I'm not one of them.

HildaOg Thu 22-Jun-17 17:25:01

We all have our own boundaries and you're entitled to yours smiley. There's no one size fits all for relationships, we all have to do what works for us. My previous post didn't recognise how strongly your preference is because I didn't realise it from your first post. I hope that didn't appear to minimise your feelings on the subject because that wasn't my intention. Glad you got it sorted out. X.

DeleteOrDecay Thu 22-Jun-17 18:15:50

I can't believe all the comments dismissing op and implying that because being pregnant and hormonal is somehow clouding your judgement. What patronising bollocks.

Everyone has their own personal boundaries and these are yours. Not wanting porn in your relationship is a perfectly valid choice. OP I'm glad you were both able to discuss the matter sensibly and you can now move on from this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now