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Relationships

In law difficulties

37 replies

Sisinisawa · 21/06/2017 16:05

My parents and my in laws live in the same town which is two hours away from where we live.
Because of this, my in laws have never bothered making either of their two spares rooms habitable for us. They expect us to stay at my parents' which was fine.

However now my parents really struggle with health and with our children who have Sen and are challenging. This also means staying in a hotel would be extremely difficult as we cannot all sleep in one room.

PLus my in laws are also in ill health and now additionally have my disabled bil living with them as he can no longer live alone.

Also only fil can drive and currently he can't due to his health.

So. My pils have been phoning my DH saying how sad they are not to have seen the children and they're missing out.

I agree. They are. But I can't see what we can do?

If they had spare rooms we could stay there. But they expect us to use my parents' like a hotel and this has always annoyed me although we have done it, but is now not ok because my parents are not up to it.

My husband thinks I don't like his parents but actually I just can't see how we can visit as it's not possible with no room to sleep and too far to do in a day with Sen children.

I've no idea how to handle the emotional blackmail pils are giving my DH over this.

OP posts:
GloriousGoosebumps · 21/06/2017 16:17

I think you're making the mistake of thinking it's up to you to solve the problem. Ask dh to spend some time thinking about what can be done and then he'll see that it's not a question of whether or not you like his parents but that there are genuine difficulties with finding accommodation for a visit. He may even come up with a solution once he starts focusing on the real issue.

Ellisandra · 21/06/2017 17:58

I agree that you need to push it back to your husband to think of a solution.

If your PIL are laying on emotional blackmail then they should bugger off. But should they have the benefit of the doubt? Expressing sadness is deliberate emotional manipulation.

You sound like you hold a grudge about staying at your parents not theirs. Perhaps they thought you preferred that? Getting to see both sets, and most women would prefer to be with their own parents overnight than PIL I expect. And it sounds like it was hardly putting your parents out.

It does come across like you're only looking at barriers.

  • can you stay 1 parent + 1 child (are there 2?) in each house? For occasional visits. Once a month, you don't need a decorated room - just an air bed! This gets round PIL only having one spare room now, and perhaps your parents can cope better with one SEN child in the house not two?


  • going in a day... you say it's too far with SEN kids. Is it too far if your husband takes only one child? Monthly day trip, alternating the child.


But as PP said - it is your husband who should be looking for solutions.
RainyApril · 21/06/2017 18:04

Is it possible in-laws are complaining about not seeing you all because they don't fully understand that the previous arrangement - where you stayed with your parents - is no longer possible?

IME situations like this can often arise out of misunderstandings, so perhaps your dh just needs to explain that your parents are no longer able to put you up and ask whether you can all stay with them instead.

flumpybear · 21/06/2017 18:04

Can you stay in a bed and breakfast or similar? Sounds a lot simpler and you can get away and sort your children out elsewhere so there's no stress ... less stress anyway

Catinthecorner · 21/06/2017 18:07

Can the in laws not travel to you and stay in a b&b?

DarthMaiden · 21/06/2017 18:08

It's your DH's issue to solve.

Sounds like they have the rooms but they don't want you using them.

He needs an honest chat with them. He could offer to get the spare rooms sorted so you could visit.

If they don't want to do that, well that's their priorities laid bare....

happypoobum · 21/06/2017 18:16

Are they unable to visit you? If you don't have room for them they can stay in a hotel?

Adora10 · 21/06/2017 18:24

Get on Airbnb, you can rent a place for all of you pretty cheaply.

Sisinisawa · 21/06/2017 18:51

I hadn't thought of air bnb although we can't afford to visit often if paying.

They can't visit us as only fil can drive and he is very unwell currently and unable to drive. They don't seem to want to use public transport.

The one room in their house we could use is only a box room. We literally could not all lie down at once.

Staying with my parents obviously did put them out as they had to host us and feed us which is extra work. And my dad finds having extra people in the house very difficult even if it's family.

Yes I do sound resentful after nine years! I think they've been very lucky we could stay with our parents and shouldn't be moaning now that their lack of making space for us is biting them on the bum.

I also think they should be prepared to get a train so they could visit us here as they can't get here by car.

I've always encouraged them to visit and to even come for a day in the week. But they won't get up to hit the road at a decent time so only arrive after lunch so they arrive just as the little one goes for her afternoon nap. It's frustrating.

They think DH should never have moved away and that I should have moved back to where they all live and where DH lived before we married. (My one condition on marriage was that I wouldn't live there. DH would prefer it I know)

OP posts:
PosyBear · 21/06/2017 19:02

A 2 hour journey there and back once a month is doable, surely? My dad lives an hour and a half away and other members of the family are nearby. We go once a month - me, wife, 2.5 year old, 8 month old, 26 year old and her boyfriend. Sometimes the last 2 don't come along. Anyway - we set off early, take food and drink for the car and a cake or some such to have with cups of tea once there. I wouldn't dream of staying over! Why would you do that?

butterfly990 · 21/06/2017 19:07

Would getting a motorhome be an idea or renting one?

clickhappy · 21/06/2017 19:12

Could you split up? Two in each house?or send DH with one child?
Get DH to come up with a solution.

Sisinisawa · 21/06/2017 20:08

Posy it is too far in one day for my children mainly my youngest who doesn't transfer well from the car into bed. That's our decision as a family. What works for you doesn't work for us.

OP posts:
SilenceOfThePrams · 21/06/2017 20:38

Posy possibly because, as OP said, her children have special needs and therefore cannot do a 4 hour round trip in one day?

Sisinisawa · 21/06/2017 21:33

Thanks Silence.

OP posts:
Melting23 · 21/06/2017 21:40

Why can't you visit them for a short period of time when staying with your parents so that they get to see you all?

ShesNoNormanPace · 21/06/2017 21:49

We have a similar situation - we used to do short holiday lets Friday to Monday - but leave Sunday pm after bath and with kids in pjs.

What happened was that I we spent the weekend feeding DH's family who would just mysteriously turn up at mealtimes, amd/or bedtimes.

Then the house we usually rented was sold, and I thought to myself why the fuck am I putting myself out when none of DH's siblings have never, ever cooked me a meal - the only time I've ever had a hot drink at SIL's is when DH made one for me. MIL had a spare room but sold the bed when it looked like we were considering staying there So now DH goes when he feels like it, if he can convince a child to come then he takes one. They go to a cafe for lunch because no one will cook and DH, finally, makes it clear that he will only pay for MIL. I go when I can be arsed, which isn't often tbh Grin

grannytomine · 21/06/2017 21:51

Are you managing to see your parents?

RainyApril · 21/06/2017 22:50

'Shouldn't be moaning now that their lack of making space for us is biting them on the bum'

This seems a bit harsh since you've already said they only have one box room. Or do you mean that they have ample spare space that they use for other things?

I'm not sure what the answer is. You do sound a little unreasonable I think. You don't want to move back. You don't want to do the trip in a day. You are reluctant to spend money on a hotel. You don't want to impose on your own parents. You acknowledge that they are too ill to drive and so would presumably also struggle with public transport.

Of course they miss their son and grandchildren. Of course they are going to discuss it with their son. Of course they are wondering why you have stopped staying with your parents if you haven't explained, and they may even be worrying that you are still seeing your parents but not them.

Talk to them.

Sisinisawa · 22/06/2017 19:20

Granny my parents have been down here to visit for a day or two here and there.

Rainy they have two spare rooms one is bigger. Until very recently it was a computer room. Now bil is in it.

Melting that's what we used to do but now my parents struggle to cope with us visiting so we go for shorter periods and it's not always possible to see pils as DH has friends he also likes to see up there. We don't go often anyway. Maybe 4-6 times a year max.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/06/2017 19:34

Its not your problem to solve. It is DH's problem. What solutions has he come up with? What does he say to his parents when they complain? How did this become your problem, your fault?

junebirthdaygirl · 22/06/2017 22:06

If ye go up there to see your dps ye should definitely visit dhs parents too. Obviously that is his responsibility to make sure it happens and not put friends first. All the parents are getting elderly and ye may need to put yourselves out a bit to keep an eye on them as well as visiting. You mentioned the train. Could ye go there by train? I think you need to forget the past and where ye stayed as to be fair it probably suited you best at the time. But do visit as elderly people need us to make the effort. I know we dont fully understand your dcs needs but l would be happier with small dc travelling in one day to save settling them in a strange place.
Does bil drive? Could he bring dps to a half way place like a park where ye could spend some time together?

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Sisinisawa · 23/06/2017 00:06

They're in their 60s. That's not elderly!

The train would be even worse with our children it's a longer journey with two changes.

No bil doesn't ever come here. He is too ill to drive I think. It's Parkinson's. He can't drive them around and wouldn't even if he could anyway because he's miserable.

Ah never mind. I'm leaving it to DH (so nothing will happen). I'm just hurt that they've never made space for us then moan that they haven't seen us.

OP posts:
Nowaynowjose · 23/06/2017 00:19

Can't bil decamp to the smaller room for a night, assuming you would all fit in his (on blow ups or whatever). Surely dh could spend one night on the sofa if it meant his parents would stop complaining get to see the kids?!

RainyApril · 23/06/2017 07:07

So they have two spare rooms but one is a box room and one has their son living in it, who suffers from Parkinson's?

I think that, if you are staying with your parents in the same town but not making time to see them too, then they are bound to be hurt.

It is your dh's responsibility to make sure that on those 4-6 visits per year, some time is set aside to see and check on his parents or come up with another solution.

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