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This is ridiculous I know!

(13 Posts)
HellNoSheDidnt Wed 21-Jun-17 13:40:49

Basically, I've been with my partner for 11 years, we had a 2 year gap 7 years ago when our first child was small. Reasons were that basically we were both young and inexperienced and I was hot headed (maybe still am but mellowed considerably! blush)
In that time he moved back to his home town and met a girl with her own child who ended up moving into his flat and she was an absolute horror! In controlling ways, said our daughter could only call him at a set time every day etc, she was just awful! Anyway, that time was a bad time for all of us and I'll openly admit I've never felt hatred for anybody the way I felt about her. Their relationship ended after about 6 months because he realised she was a complete basket case and about a year after that we reconciled and are still together now, in that time have had another child and are happy and settled.
Anyway, this afternoon I accessed my very old dormant email account to retrieve some saved files and there was an email thread in there between me and crazy bitch which wasn't pleasant. All of this was so long ago and since we've reconciled we've obviously discussed what happened with her and it's a part of his life that he's not happy about or the choices he made back then but I've honestly not thought about it or her in forever but since I stupidly re read those emails today, I've got the rage! It's just reminded me about that time and resurfaced some of those feelings I felt back then. When I feel like this about something I pull away from him (I'm sure there's a psychological evaluation available to confirm why I do this but I do) he works away during the week so we're in regular contact but he's tried to call me a few times this afternoon and I haven't answered since reading those emails. I'm not exactly angry with him, i don't know what I am?! I know re reading those emails was a bloody idiotic thing to do so god knows why I did it! I also know this is entirely all on me and he's done nothing wrong, it's my own issue that im wound up but basically I just want to know, is this just me? Does anybody else re live or re read things that they know is a bad idea! I'm annoyed with myself!
Sorry it's long and droning! confused

mugginmeoff Wed 21-Jun-17 13:43:49

Your probably pulling away because you know it's irrational to be angry about this and you don't want it to affect how you speak to him or what you say. A sort of subconscious defence mechanism!

Adora10 Wed 21-Jun-17 13:48:58

Oh that old chestnut, OW is a basket case, forced herself into his home and basically took over his ability to talk.

OP, if I was you I'd be livid, livid at him for allowing this `mental woman` to dictate when my own child could make contact.

Your issue was and still is with him, he started another family when he already had one.

All you can do is delete all traces of the emails.

HellNoSheDidnt Wed 21-Jun-17 13:54:06

You're both definitely right with the points you've made.
Adora; what you've said is true, I was angry at him for a very long time, the part in my post about him being regretful of the choices he made back then were exactly that, because he knows how at fault he was and how he didn't speak up for himself or our daughter for that matter!
I think In all honesty, another reason behind my post is that I'm concerned that my reaction in being reminded of this, has made me question whether I have actually forgiven him despite it being so long ago!
I deleted the emails as soon as I read them angry

Adora10 Wed 21-Jun-17 13:56:48

Just forget them now OP, of course it's going to reignite past resentment and feelings; hopefully he's learned from his mistake.

Your hatred back then for her was misplaced, it's nothing to do with her if your OH can't even articulate his own opinions.

HellNoSheDidnt Wed 21-Jun-17 13:59:32

Haha I thought I was harsh in my critiques but you're pretty tough aren't you 😂
Thanks you for your input though, I appreciate the alternate view

MyheartbelongstoG Wed 21-Jun-17 14:07:12

These emails are from 7 yes ago??

wherearemymarbles Wed 21-Jun-17 14:22:33

Tbh you sound just as hot headed now as you say you were back then.
He dumped her after 6 months which is pretty quick really. Maybe he was hoping she would change, realised she wouldnt and left. Plenty of people stay in far worse relationships for far longer.

I suggest, kindly, you go to the supermarket, buy 10 bags of ice, run a bath with cold water, chuck in the ice and jump in. Migth help you think straight smile

HellNoSheDidnt Wed 21-Jun-17 14:27:13

Haha wherearemymarbles, maybe you're right! Maybe I'd just illusioned myself to the notion that I'm a reformed character. I'll try the ice thing! 😆

springydaffs Wed 21-Jun-17 15:15:31

Yeah, HUGE mistake to read those emails. Sleeping dogs etc. Hornets nest...

Tell him you've re-read the emails and it's got you all wound up again. Perhaps it'll be a chance to effect some more healing between you, mop up the last vestiges of this awful time.

(there are positives to all personality types btw. 'Hot-headed' is not necessarily a bad thing..)

HellNoSheDidnt Wed 21-Jun-17 15:21:04

Thanks springydaffs, I appreciate that comment. I think I've definitely 'calmed' a lot over the years but I'm also older so maybe that's what it is. I definitely haven't had a personality transplant so I suppose what pushes my buttons won't change haha smile

flipflapsflop Wed 21-Jun-17 19:35:10

Are you going to continue to avoid talking to him?

HellNoSheDidnt Thu 22-Jun-17 09:51:24

No I have spoken to him

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