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Leaving my soon to be marriage over MIL

(43 Posts)
namechangedtosaveface Tue 20-Jun-17 18:03:54

I am 25 weeks pregnant and due to be married next Wednesday.
DP MIL is emotionally abusive and we are always on egg shells waiting for her nest torrent of lies and accusations.

Although I am NC with her it still causes so much stress and upset in our household due to DP begging and pleading with his mum to 'be nice.' He never stands up to her or gives her consequences for her behaviour.

It's made me so depressed and anxious.

DP is driving me to my own mums this evening because I can't cope anymore. I am so devastated this is why our relationship is over, that our baby will grow up in a broken home.

Please help me find some strength.

IrritatedUser1960 Tue 20-Jun-17 18:07:42

I don't see why you need to break up with your DP over this. Just don't marry him. Tell him you will not marry him unless he sorts his mother out.
This way you are not trapped in a marriage and you can give him a chance.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 Tue 20-Jun-17 18:09:22

So sorry to hear this, what a sad and awful situation. What is your PD saying? Isn't he considering going NC with her as well?

ImpetuousBride Tue 20-Jun-17 18:13:45

If you don't actually live with MIL and aren't forced to see her, why is she such a problem?

Can't understand how your DH can be so spineless, to the point of letting his pregnant fiancee go. Needs to man up and sort his priorities out, but maybe your leaving would be his wake up call.

namechangedtosaveface Tue 20-Jun-17 18:32:47

Hi.

It's a real problem because she makes up scenarios saying that we've upset her for X or Y- things that just haven't occurred.

I can't live walking on egg shells waiting for the next phone call where she throws torrents of abuse at us for no reason.
In DP eyes his mother can do no wrong.

All I want is for him to say it's unacceptable and to make boundaries, he refuses for fear of upsetting her.

ijustwannadance Tue 20-Jun-17 18:36:05

So he'd rather lose you and his child than stand up to his mum?

He needs to grow some balls.

MrsHathaway Tue 20-Jun-17 18:37:05

If she is making your life a misery and he isn't doing anything about it then you are absolutely right to refuse to marry him.

Don't call it a "broken home". That's old nonsense. A happy home living with one parent is a far better environment than an unhappy home with two.

anchor9 Tue 20-Jun-17 18:37:59

Your DP needs a grip! Shame on him.

HildaOg Tue 20-Jun-17 18:41:33

Any man who would rather lose his partner and child rather that put his mother in her place is worthless and he'll only get worse after the baby is born. Block both of them. Your health and that of the baby's is important and not worth the distress that crazy woman and her wimp son cause.

Maybe a few weeks of no communication with him will make him wake up an realise what he's about to lose.

Porpoises Tue 20-Jun-17 18:47:08

Op has he had any therapy. Would he consider it if you pushed him to? To those calling the dh spineless etc, he is a victim of abuse since childhood. The psychological impacts of that are insidious and extremely hard to overcome.

Nonetheless, it may be that he is unable to change. You have my sympathies op, it's a very hard situation, and you have the right to set your own boundaries wherever they need to be, including leaving if you decide to.

namechangedtosaveface Tue 20-Jun-17 18:48:32

He said he is devastated but he won't do anything to change the situation.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 20-Jun-17 18:50:17

Sorry lovely

He does come across as very passive though doesn't he, it's a shame maybe it's a learning curve for him.

Can only hope flowers

namechangedtosaveface Tue 20-Jun-17 18:50:26

He has had therapy. I have also showed him signs of emotional abuse.

He says if i loved him as much as he loves me, I'd be able to tolerate his mother.

He in effect, is asking me to live with her abuse rather than he make boundaries with her.

HildaOg Tue 20-Jun-17 18:57:10

If he loved you and the baby he would get rid of mommy dearest.

Twitchingdog Tue 20-Jun-17 18:57:59

You are doing the right thing in walking away but as you won't be there your child will exposed to your MIL as your partner thinks it normal for his mother to behave this way.

chinam Tue 20-Jun-17 18:59:41

Sorry that you are in this situation. You are making yourself identifiable with your second last post.

namechangedtosaveface Tue 20-Jun-17 19:01:45

I am just waiting for him to get in and I am sick to my stomach with anxiety.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 20-Jun-17 19:05:06

Are you answering her phone calls? If so, why?

Ellisandra Tue 20-Jun-17 19:09:48

His replies are very wooden, aren't they?
Probably battered by years of MIL's crap.
It's very sad for him, but it's in his power to stop it. It's not easy, but it is in his power.

HotelEuphoria Tue 20-Jun-17 19:13:45

He sound so weak, I'm sorry for you but he needs to grow a spine. Good luck. Seriously you are better on your own.

rightwhine Tue 20-Jun-17 19:15:10

It's a very sad situation but you are doing what he is incapable of doing - setting boundaries. I don't think you have any choice if she really is as bad as you say. Or do you think maybe it could be a clash of personalities? Does Dh agree that is his mother that is always in the wrong ?

ememem84 Tue 20-Jun-17 19:22:34

I've been in your position. Well sort of. Mil used to be a friend I suppose. Until I started standing up to her. I found that you say "no" one too many times and she stabbed me in the back. Caused all sorts of issues between dh and I.

She now lives in nz. The last time I visited 2014 she was utterly vile to me and although I stood up for myself this was the only bit dh saw. He didn't see the sneakiness the viciousness. All he saw was me reacting and mil crying.

It almost broke us. Almost. I let him have it on the flight home (26 hour flight he was a captive audience) told him he needed to deal with it or I was out.

He slowly started to deal with it. It's only this march after finding out I'm pregnant that he's started properly standing up for "us" putting his foot down. In a way I'm sad that it's taken this long but happy he's laid down the law now.

His revelation was going nz on his own in March (I felt too sick to fly the distance and see mil) it was for a family wedding so he really had to be there otherwise he would have stayed here too. He saw her behaviour first hand. Again sad he had to experience it but glad as it gave him the wake up call we needed.

My advice. Don't leave him but don't marry him. Set your boundaries. If you think there's a chance mil will be nasty to lovely baby she doesn't see lovely squishy beautiful baby.

diddl Tue 20-Jun-17 19:23:20

Oh dear, sorry but he doesn't sound bothered at all.

Your're leaving &he'snot even home?

Scribblegirl Tue 20-Jun-17 19:25:35

I'm sorry but he's making his choice in those messages. What grown man picks his mother over his wife to be and their child?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He needs to understand that the wedding is salvageable but it's up to him now. And he has to show that with actions, not mealy mouthed words.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 20-Jun-17 19:25:46

This is certainly not a personality clash.

Unfortunately your partner's inertia when it comes to his mother has also hurt him as well as you (understatement). People can and do split over toxic family members. He has lost one relationship because of his mother and she will likely never let him go and be his own person.

He is still very much in a FOG state when it comes to his mother and cannot and perhaps equally will not deal with her. In his ideal world he would like you to get along with his mother so that he does not have to deal with her. He is weak really because he would rather incur your wrath than hers; he is far more afraid of her than he ever is of you. This mindset he has of appeasing his abuser is due to her as well.

If he has had therapy it is clear that he needs more. He also needs to do that without you.

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