Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Toxic friendship, weird.(26 Posts)
this is my first ever post on mums net!
I'm not even sure where to start with this...
first thing is first, I'm 25, married for 2 yrs, we live a happy little life.
i recently started a new friendship which I met during a work thing - I am self employed so friendships can be more difficult and rather strange to form. anyway, I thought she was a laugh and i enjoyed her company.. the friendship slowly started to be come sour as she then decided to tell me on how she thought my marriage was 'strange' because we seemed more like best friends than husband and wife.. and how i didn't seem 'excited' by his presence.. to be honest i was pretty blown away by her 'honesty' - which i thought was more like rudeness as i had never asked for her opinion on the matter, Me and my husband have been together for 7 years now, things have changed, we have more responsibility, a home, bills, work, life.. i was unsure if she wanted me to jump up and down every time i saw him? i started to realise that her judgment about my life came from a person who had many failed relationships who had cheated on her etc so i was confused to why someone who had some unfortunate things happen to them was now judging my very normal life?
I was confused with her thinking as me and my husband are best friends too like I imagine a lot of couples are - i wasn't sure how she expected us to act around each other when around her? - I've never been one for PDA EVER! just isn't my style and generally i can come across a bit of a cold non lovey duvvy person.. but i was shocked how a person i had known less than 6 months had such a judgement when you never know what is happening behind closed doors.
before this outburst i had confided in her to the fact i couldn't have sex because of my bladder condition which makes sex complete agony for me and its caused me a lot emotional and metal problems as well a huge knock to my confidence.. however just because we couldn't have 'traditional sex' of course didn't mean we didn't do anything at all..we still do stuff! but i found myself having to explain this to her because she stated to rant on how 'weird' this was that i didn't have sex regardless of my explanation and how we will end up divorcing and splitting up.. so this was the second occasion she had made her feelings clear in a very rude and upfront way. this is where i began questioning our friendship.
i noticed she then began to pick on other things in my life, the way i spoke, the way i dealt with things.. it was everything, not just my relationship..but just stupid things like how i looked after my own dog saying that i was too nice to my dog?! it started to get silly and it all started to bring me down and make me feel horrendous.
after some soul searching and chatting with some other people the only r thing i could think that all of this was was for her to get some control in her own life and her own relationships that had messed up?
if my relationship was 'going to fail' maybe this made her feel better about her relationships breaking down? by criticising my life and things i did maybe this gave her some authority and importance?
the worst thing is that this girl has really affected my mental health, she actually put doubt in my mind to if my marriage was 'normal'. she made me feel low and pretty worthless when you are getting put down time and time again.
its just a really confusing thing, I've never had a friendship like this before.. has anyone had any experience with a friendship like this?
i even started to feel on edge if she text me thinking it would just be another insult coming my way..
You DO NOT have a "friendship" with this woman. You are in an abusive relationship with a vicious, jealous, hateful pit viper. This woman is deplorable and she has no place in your life. You admit that her remarks are making you feel poorly about yourself! Is that something a REAL friend would do?? Of course not. Cut ties with this bitch and never, ever look back.
Everything Aquamarine1029 said, with bells on. Please, please, take it from one who knows - this person is not your friend. It is an abusive relationship.
You do not owe her ANYTHING. Cease communication, block her from your phone and all social media. If she turns up at your home, do not engage, tell her to leave immediately or you are calling the police.
I had a 'friend' like this who pretty much ruined my life for over a decade. It took my mother's death to make me realise that life is very very short and you do not have to spend one second of it with people who wish you harm.
because I've never had experience with this kind of thing i started to think ' maybe its me' ' maybe what she is saying about me is true' - i did trust her at first - hence why telling her private information - i would have never of done if i knew she would be like this and this toxic.
i'm shocked how much she has effected my mental health.
its funny how much someone can judge when their relationships and life are so messed up...
I am so sorry you have fell victim to such a horrible person. You are in NO WAY responsible for any of her toxic behaviour. She is a pathetic, self-hating individual. Her way of dealing with her own insecurities is burn down everyone around her. Misery loves company, but you do not have to be her company. Make a vow right now that you will never feel poorly about anything this woman has said ever again. This is ALL ON HER. Cut her out of your life permanently and don't allow her to gaslight her way back into your life. Don't be concerned about hurting her feelings - She doesn't have any worth sparing.
it funny as well she also started copying me on a few things i had done to try and out do me, maybe to belittle me even more..
do you think she knows she is toxic? did she plan this.
she accidental posted something say ' when you come in to someones life and cause chaos' - she left my house so untidy and didn't do any of the cleaning and washing up ... she then soon removed the post cos i said oh was this about me.. maybe she meant mentally as well as physically...
You're better off far away from her. You can never have a 'normal' friendship with her . She's a nasty piece of work
Whether she realizes how horrible she is irrelevant, but my guess is that she does know. She sounds like a sociopath. She says and does things deliberately that can only be done on purpose. Keep her out of your life and don't waste time wondering about the "why." It doesn't matter either way.
do you think she knows she is toxic? did she plan this.
Broadly speaking, in my experience, toxic people are completely unwilling to accept that they are. Let's face it, the effects of their behaviour are so damaging that if they had normal empathy then they would have stopped doing it years ago. They don't. They can't. They don't even try. I'd be sprinting to a psychiatrist if my behaviour had those results. They don't. At best they fake being "nice" temporarily to reel you back in (and punish you for it later).
What they do know is that belittling someone makes them feel good. For most of us, if we felt we had belittled someone we would feel awful about it. They don't. They love it. It feeds something in them. Makes them feel big and powerful.
Don't waste time psychoanalysing her or, worse, trying to rescue her from herself.
Cut her off. Don't worry about being rude. She doesn't.
She's got you as her new favourite punching bag. She won't let you go easily. You will have to be rude and extremely firm. Total block. Ghosted. No need for explanations. I bet that's what had to happen with her many exes.
If you find that too hard, wait for the next put down and text her "I am not interested in a friendship like this. Don't contact me again." Then block and ghost.
i did attempt to confront her slightly when i defended my health condition.. she kept telling me ' no thats not true' about my own heath condition.. i ended up having a bit of a bite back and her response was just like ' don't talk to me like that i won't have it' - again making me feel small and belittled me.
I think she wanted to cause destruction to my nice normal live because hers wasn't normal or happy...
This happened to me. A girl I trusted and thought was one of my best friends actively tried to sabotage my relationship with my (now) husband by telling him things from my past that would upset him, criticise my looks and clothes, say she was prettier than me and that given the chance my husband would pick her instead of me (he's had a good laugh about that as he thinks she's "mingin' ") and constantly just trying to put me down about everything. I cut ties and didn't go to her wedding although we got an invitation (she wanted to brag about it and how expensive the whole affair was) and didn't invite her to mine. Karma is a bitch because it's been a few years now and she's divorced (most friends took her husband's side too so not in touch with her anymore) and I'm very happily married.
it sounds similar to my situation.. she would just say how i wasn't excited by him..what because he isn't cheating on me and keeping me on my toes? like her boyfriend who was also on drugs!!!
ill admit my husband does spoil me and she also had an issue with the fact when he cooked me dinner saying oh well you can't keep doing this.. basically everything was a problem.
when someone is saying those things about your husband what are you suppose to think, its like a judgement on you yourself and your relationship as well as your husband himself, its pretty shit.
thats good that karma has come her way.. did your person have many friends? because with mine i know she doesn't and i always wondered why..now it makes sense to why she doesn't...
She has now ' won' by casting doubt in my mind I'm thinking oh wow are we too friendly, are we like best friends..shes made me feel sad and down and worthless.. she's succeded in making me feel like she clearly feels.
Wow this sounds like a massive case of toxic jealousy! Please don't start doubting your own relationship- if anything it sounds like you and your partner have an extremely strong relationship, and that you can work through and live with the limitations that your condition puts on your sex life- and still be happy together. She probably can't understand that, because I can't imagine any guy has ever been willing to do that for her.
As a general rule, when people are nasty and say cruel hurtful things, it is 99% of the time a reflection of how unhappy they are in their own life. I learnt this the hard way, but I now try to dismiss anything that seems like resent/jealousy as being an issue the person has themselves. I wouldn't waste my breath trying to reason with her or defend yourself or your relationship. It will be completely pointless.
Just make as much space as possible between her and you, for the sake of your mental health
its frustrating when you think you have gained a new friend.. all my friends live so far away which can of course make you feel a little bit lonely and isolated and i thought i had gained a new friend which i could see more regular ( even though she lived 2 hours away i was able to see her more due to commitments)
funny you say that she said ' oh my god that is so weird you can't have sex. you might as well just be friends' ' ' you need to provide him with sex' basically all this stuff that she clearly thinks she knows is right because of her horrendous past relationships..
I think its true, it seems the way, it was getting to the point where everything i would do would be an issue like i said about how i'd treat me dog, she even try and take control land lock the dog out the room because she thought 'he needed to learn' - its not her dog!!!
she would say things that didn't make sense too like ' oh you need to have a baby soon or time will run out' then in the other breath ' don't have a baby yet it will mess up your life' she said that things that suited the situation at the time but then back tracked on herself.
she also seemed to have no concept of reality.
she would say i need to do this need to do that id say i have a husband, a house, respinslbilites i can't just go off and do things and she would look really confused and be like 'so'.. she still lives at home with her parents and pays no bills..
Oh OP she is not your friend. Get rid of her.
I had a 'friend' like this, met through a club, got on immediately and did lots together in a short period of time. BUT quite quickly she started to laugh at how I pronounced a word or name. Then in front of other friends she would really put me down. She would put my choice of footwear or clothing down,music, tv tastes etc. I put her in her place each time but she got worse. I knew that was just how she was and so I simply stopped all contact. No point in explaining to her, she knew full well why.
She posted a lot of very passive aggressive stuff on social media without ever mentioning my name, but it was clear it was directed at me , which I heard about from friends. Since then I have heard she has done it to other 'friends' before and since.
Some people are just fucking nasty.
She's a total loser. Get rid.
You've wasted enough time on her.
Free up space in your life and your mind to find new friends.
Dump her. Ghost her and never look back. My relationship with my husband is similar to yours - he's very lovely and often cooks, cleans, takes care of me and we truly are best friends and spend all our time together. We have said before that if we couldn't have sex ever again it would change nothing. And that's how it's supposed to be.
Ignore her, you've got a wonderful relationship and she's just jealous and trying to poison it! Don't think about her again, block and delete!
She is your frenemy. I would stop contact with her.
Please stop trying to analyze her behaviour. You've wasted enough head space on this horrible witch. She simply does not matter.
I know it's easier said than done, especially if you don't have many friends, but honestly she will never become a 'friend' and will only cause you grief
I've distanced myself completely.
thing is even today she had an affect on my life, i was out working with a client and she contacted the client asking for work as soon as she knew i was working with them?! I mean isn't that just snakey?
your story sounds identical to mine, like seriously.
I'm in shock at what happened today, i was working with a client she then contacted that client whilst i was working for them asking for work.. i get we all have to share clients as a networking community, but surely thats not cool? isn't that a bit sneaky?
and the thing is she found this out from the contacts social media, not from me so its like how did i even stop that. maybe I'm over dramatising but after everything i just think doing that isn't cool
Don't give her any more of your headspace. It saps your energy.
Ignore her completely, don't respond to any provocation. Lie low and wait for her to move on & sink her claws into her next target. No need to explain why you backed off.
Join the discussion
Please login first.