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Am I overreacting?

(41 Posts)
Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:02:26

On Father's Day DH, DD, dog and I walked home from a local pub. It's on a fairly busy country lane without footpaths. DH and dog walked in front with dog on the left nearest the traffic.

DD became very upset as a car passed and asked DH to carry the dog, he refused, she became more upset and begged him. I asked him to please walk the dog on the inside, he refused , saying I was the problem, pandering to her, and there was no way he was setting a precedent by agreeing to what she asked! By now she was shaking with fear, sobbing and hyperventilating. It was a very long 10 minute walk, daughter was barely able to walk as she was so upset.

Since then we have been barely civil to each other. Have I overreacted?

Naughty1205 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:10:52

No he sounds awful, I would be livid too, poor dd

LoveDeathPrizes Tue 20-Jun-17 00:12:37

No of course you're not! You don't punish your daughter for giving a crap about her dog!

NewDayDawning Tue 20-Jun-17 00:14:26

You are not overreacting.

He sounds awful.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 20-Jun-17 00:18:21

Not overreacting. Regardless of how DD felt if anyone put my dog at risk like that I'd be far worse than you.

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:25:01

The cars were passing slowly and allowing plenty of room. I have heard dogs are supposed to walk on the left nearest the traffic, not something I agree with myself.

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:37:08

And no matter where the dog "should" be walked it is not reason enough to upset DD. I have tried to discuss it since, he blamed her saying she always has tantrums (true), but this was genuine fear and distress and surely a parent would recognise that straight away and do whatever they can.

Patriciathestripper1 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:39:29

What a twat. I always thought dogs are supposed to be on the inside?
Either way he is an unfeeling twat

HarmlessChap Tue 20-Jun-17 00:40:24

There should be no reason to carry the dog in the circumstances you describe and many dogs wouldn't want carrying so unless its a tiny one then a wriggling hound could easily have been more dangerous than walking the dog on lead (to everyone concerned).

Where I live the roads are as you describe and never once have I carried my dog. If I had a chihuahua then maybe I might think about it but anything bigger is probably best allowed to walk. However, I do walk mine on a short lead, away from the traffic on the inside.

Where parenting is concerned I would tend to expect my DW to back my decisions rather than DCs but provided you are being civil he should be the same. Plenty of times I have disagreed with DWs handling of a situation but I still back her up, albeit I will tell her away from the DCs that I think she's been too harsh or simply wrong etc.

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:44:32

I didn't expect him to carry the dog although it's quite small and would be more than happy to be carried. I must admit I am sometimes guilty of not backing him up but on this occasion there was no way I could accept him causing DD such distress.

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:46:31

I had twice asked him (first time politely) to walk the dog on the inside and he refused.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 20-Jun-17 00:47:22

Fwiw I meant he should walk the dog on the inside not pick it up as I was visualising one of mine which are labs... so that would be weird.
I've never heard to walk dogs on the left. It makes no sense!

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:51:25

I believe it's so the precious master isn't hit first and to keep his sword arm free!!! Load of rubbish in this day and age.

SewMeARiver Tue 20-Jun-17 00:53:24

How old is dd?

Sorry, but I think you are overreacting a little and I sort of agree with your DH that your DD appears to be a little overly sensitive. The dog was in no real danger and although he didn't do it in the best way, I think your DH was trying to show that 'look we got home and nothing happened'

Children do not build resilence by constantly having all their fears or anxieties pandered to. Sometimes the best approach is to ignore it or you reinforce the fear. And sadly the world is such that children increasingly need to become more resilient. I can completely see that your DH handled it badly, but I can appreciate the lesson he was trying to teach.

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:59:29

DD is 6.5, she has ADHD and can be over emotional.

CookieMonster54 Tue 20-Jun-17 01:06:24

FWIW, I do actually think you are overreacting. I think this is a case where a proper discussion about parenting strategies may not have happened, he's freelanced, and now you're upset.

You say your DD has ADHD and can get over-emotional. I think it sounds like that happened here.

I've walked the doggo enough to know that if s/he is on a lead, the chances of injury while walking on the road are miniscule. Like, tiny. And the dog was unharmed, right? I bet your husband thought that refusing your daughter's command was both a way to show her that her fear was unfounded, and a way to show her that no, she cannot tell her parents what to do.

Now, does that mean he was right? I don't know, but I do see where he was coming from. If you cave to your DD on stuff like this, she may actually become more anxious, is what I suspect he thinks.

The solution here is to talk about it calmly, and hear his frustrations. I suspect he was trying to do a good thing, and it's just come across as pig headed. I can see why you're upset, but I think the thing to do is to talk to him and ask him if any of what I've just said sounds familiar.

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 01:15:33

Sounds like I was being overprotective then. Her tantrums are not pandered to and we are working on ways to minimise them. This was nothing like a tantrum though and the first time she has really shown fear though and I still think he could have handled it better.

scottishdiem Tue 20-Jun-17 01:17:49

Tough one. Do the wrong thing (pick up the dog) for the right reason (calming a distressed child)?

Problem is, if you do this every time then the child knows that their fears are correct and reinforced by parental behaviour. In this case they also know they have a court of appeal in that the parents disagree the more emotional she gets. Not sure this is something you want to encourage to be honest.

I think you might want to sit down with DH and work out a way forward in terms of how to deal with your childs mental health and how you both react in terms of parenting decisions. Your DH needs to be clearer and calmer in future and you need to be more resilient to your childs tantrums if they dont get their way.

SandyY2K Tue 20-Jun-17 01:17:55

It can't have been easy seeing DD get distressed, however, I think had you reassured her that the dog was safe... She probably would have been okay.

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 01:24:25

I did try my best to reassure her, said everything was fine, dog was safe and enjoying walking, didn't need picking up and I pointed out that the cars were no where near the dog and they were driving slowly.

Dieu Tue 20-Jun-17 01:24:48

I'm sure your husband knew what he was doing, and wouldn't have deliberately placed your dog in harm's way. Sorry, but mountain and molehill spring to mind.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 20-Jun-17 01:31:57

I'm not sure how many people were using swords when cars were invented. And anyway, what are they going to do? Stab the windshield?

Moppet5 Tue 20-Jun-17 01:39:18

Maybe just wave it around and look menacing?!!
Anyway thank you all, I have plenty to think about.
But now first things first how to get any sleep in this heat?

BloodWorries Tue 20-Jun-17 01:44:30

Dog should be on the inside, away from traffic. Less chance they will then dart to the extent of the lead in front of a car.

Poor DD, but carrying the dog if the traffic was being slow and plenty of room then it's a bit OTT. Getting the dog to walk on the inside and explaining the dog is safe, but needs to walk for exercise would be a good idea (obviously depending on DD age).

Basically though, your DD was worried about something, expressed that worry and her dad made a point of not doing anything to lessen her fear because it would set a precedent for doing as she asked... then why should she do as he asks? Or anyone else? Total lack of respect.

Lucked Tue 20-Jun-17 01:45:22

I will probably get slated for this but if there was any real risk (which it doesn't sound like there was) then the human should take the safer position on the inside. So I am not sure you should have agreed with your dd and reinforced that the dog was in danger.

I think you should all try to move on.

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