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I think I'm an arse but I don't know how to stop

(83 Posts)
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Mon 19-Jun-17 23:33:14

Sigh. DH and I have just had this conversation for the 1875237th time and it got us nowhere. Again. I think maybe the problem is me.

DH is a great dad - he is patient and really caring and super responsive. He is also kind and supportive and totally supports my career. And I love him.

But!!! He takes no responsibilty for household maintenance. He will do laundry and dishes. But painting the fence, washing the cars, diy, gardening, household emergencies - just nope, not unless directly and specifically asked, and then with a bad grace.

Today I got home at 7pm from a family funeral 350 miles away. To find some type of beetle infestation in the house. DH shrugged 'there are always insects around at this time of year'. Not dozens of them crawling around one room!!!

I had planned on relaxing but obviously scrapped that, started trying to tackle the bugs. DH making himself a snack. I look out the window and see waist high grass and peeling paint on the fence. Because I don't have time to fucking do it all, I work ft, I spend evenings and weekends when dd naps doing all the big jobs I can, but this is an old damp house and I cannot do it all.

I sort of got cross and said as much to dh. Who said, well why hadn't I asked him to cut the grass? Oh I don't know, maybe because I'm not his line manager and I thought he might actually take some actual initiative?????

I feel controlling and bossy. I hate arguments. But I also hate living in a pigstye and I cannot do it all, I just can't.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Mon 19-Jun-17 23:34:28

Christ what an essay. Sorry. And before anyone suggests it, we do have a cleaner but she does the basics, not washing walls, heavy work etc.

TheStoic Mon 19-Jun-17 23:37:11

I'd be outsourcing all of it, the heavy stuff and the outside stuff. If you can afford it.

Life is too short. Yes he probably should be doing it, but he won't. You can keep arguing, or find another solution.

mahadams2 Mon 19-Jun-17 23:46:11

Write him a list! Pin it up & then he cant say you didnt ask or he forgot. Find a compromise in the best way to get it done

AddToBasket Mon 19-Jun-17 23:48:12

Do you want the same things? You need to want to make each other happy in your house. Sounds like he doesn't care much.

Patriciathestripper1 Mon 19-Jun-17 23:52:50

I'm In Your position and it's fucking soul destroying. I finally realised that after 20 something years Dh dosnt do diy.
So I got a woofer and put them up in a caravan and hay presto all the jobs done!!!

Jog22 Mon 19-Jun-17 23:58:16

Don't know how to link on phone but there's a thread in feminist chat about the 'mental load' which explains this perfectly.

LadyB49 Tue 20-Jun-17 00:06:51

Would your cleaner do a féw extra shifts, perhaps with a friend, and wash your walls etc. Or get a cleaning service to do a deep clean.

Get a handiman in or a reliable retired neighbour who would like to earn a few ££ to paint the fence and any other man stuff. Dh needs to fund it if he wont do it.

Though that wont sort different attitudes to what needs doing on a day to day basis


Josuk Tue 20-Jun-17 00:10:29

If you both work - why dows he expects for you to manage everything?
And why do you say the he 'totally supports your career'???!! Is that, somehow an achievement? A choice? Did he ever wonder if you supported his career??

But back to your situation. No - I don't think there is an issue with you.
I think - the issue is communication and expectations.

I'd write down various things that need done around the house on a regular basis. Decide which ones need our sourcing - and can be, given your budget, etc.
And the rest - you split with him, talking about it, discussion it openly.

However, it also may be that the two of you have different expectations and standards. So - you both will need to adjust. You may have to make peace with the standard or frequency of some activity that is not exactly up to your quality level.
But agreeing on split of responsibility - and if you don't want to be the line manager - you lose the right to comment too much on how he does things.

Good luck!

CookieMonster54 Tue 20-Jun-17 01:16:08

I am a man who, like your DH, hates housework. HATES it.

The solution is: I pay for everything to be done. A cleaner. A guy twice a year to do the gutters and the drains. The windows, etc. Once a fortnight I take a bag of laundry to the cleaners. DW actually loves gardening so I'm off the hook on that. We have a perfectly happy relationship because I recognise what I'm bad at, and get someone else to do it.

Not for everyone financially (and hey, it's money I can't spend on other things) but it works for us.

MonkeyPieMama Tue 20-Jun-17 02:05:04

This is why I left my ex. He would wash up (terribly) and do washing. Nothing else. We argued, screamed, cried, separated, tried lists, rotas etc. I got a handyman to do all diy things he couldn't or wouldn't do... But he resented me for that. I left the idle idiot.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 20-Jun-17 02:56:03

Your husband sounds like a lazy fuck. A man who doesn't take care of his home like a man should makes my skin crawl. As if you don't already do fucking everything else. I'd be furious if I were you. Posts like this remind me how wonderful my husband is.

scottishdiem Tue 20-Jun-17 03:17:38

"A man who doesn't take care of his home like a man should makes my skin crawl."

And you came out of the kitchen to post this did you? Do you have permission?

Back in the real world...

All married couples should share the load of housework but not everyone wants to or even can do things like DIY.

DP and I have different tolerances for things so we have both learnt to adapt. I can clean the toilet bowl better than DP but I will leave it longer before it gets that clean. DP likes to try and clean it on a regular basis but the standard isnt the same. However, is better at dishes than me. I am better at all the IT and home entertainment setup so I deal with that. We pay someone to come and do the gutters. My point is, if things like grass are really waist high (really?) then set the standard and ask him to keep it at that. Or leave jobs until he notices them. Dont be a martyr. I dont understand how couples who have different standards seem to defer to one of the two rather than agree what the standards should be.

Teabagtits Tue 20-Jun-17 03:23:19

My oh comes from a family where they hire in a guy to do all those jobs. My family were always self sufficient and would never dream of getting someone else to do it. Slowly (and because we're skint) my oh realises he needs to be doing these kinds of things and he's found a skill at diy but it's still a hassle and requires nagging. Get him quotes for the work needing done and leave the decision to pay or do up to him.,

NearlyFree17 Tue 20-Jun-17 04:16:58

I was married to a man child like this.

He was relaxed and chilled out because he took fuck all responsibility for our family life.

I was a grumpy anxious nightmare. He would sit back and wonder why I was so unhappy?

We have split up now. I am so much happier now I don't have to deal with his shit and he has the kids alternate weekends, so he is forced to do some parenting and has to look after his own house. And yes, the grass is knee high in his back yard.

category12 Tue 20-Jun-17 06:33:22

I dunno how some pp can just shrug off the fact he ignored an infestation. Who does that?

It's because he thinks the household stuff is your problem, because you're the woman. You say he supports your career, but he still expects you to pick up all the management of the home and most of the shit work on top, so really he expects you to work twice as hard as him.

There's a good essay online here

I would have a serious talk about what century he thinks he's living in.

momdancing Tue 20-Jun-17 06:47:00

Show him this

It's called the mental load.

MineAreCrafty Tue 20-Jun-17 06:50:04

Washing walls? Why? What with? Should I be washing my walls???

category12 Tue 20-Jun-17 06:56:49

Family funeral > bug infestation. Peeling paint and uncut grass.

Let's not get hung up on washing walls.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Jun-17 06:56:50

He doesn't "suppprt your career" if he doesn't do his fair share of the domestic work

WellErrr Tue 20-Jun-17 07:00:52

That's brilliant momdancing

MineAreCrafty Tue 20-Jun-17 07:21:45

I'm not getting hung up on anything. I'm genuinely wondering if I should walls my walls. Although OP did say the house was damp so maybe the walls needing mould cleaning. I would be exhausted too OP. flowers

YetAnotherGuy Tue 20-Jun-17 07:29:34

Problems within relationships because of different expectations - this is not unusual

Some problems are easy. Washing cars - buy a silver one. Ironing - buy clothes that don't need ironing (although you don't have that particular problem)

For DIY which requires expertise, get a specialist

For DIY like painting fences - a young relative or older odd job person may be the answer

Sorry but you do need to lighten up (says someone who also finds that very difficult ...)

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Tue 20-Jun-17 07:44:56

Thanks all.

I am doing nursery run but will try to answer a couple of posts.

Crafty yes the house is damp so if I don't wash the walls with disinfectant it will ofte develop black mould esp in winter.

Josuk I feel like I have already dropped my standards so much by living like this!!

He does support my career tbf - he moved across the country so I could take this job eg.

Sigh. There just seems to be so much that needs doing as I try to spend bedtimes with DD and most of the weekends - it's the only time I see her! So big jobs limited to after she is in bed and her weekend naps. I spend that time cutting grass, repainting the damp kitchen, sorting out the decking which the previous owners left to go to pot etc!!!

I tried the whole leaving jobs thing. That is the why the lawn is now waist high!!!!!

Anyhow just venting really. Thanks for comments.

JoshLymanJr Tue 20-Jun-17 07:59:32

While I have a sneaking admiration for his Homer Simpson-esque ability to come to a diplomatic arrangement with the bug infestation, he does sound lazy. Not noticing the grass needs cut translates as "I didn't notice that was something I had to do myself."

In my own house I get utterly fed up with this idea of 'man's work', though. In the 8 years since we moved in here every room in the house has been decorated top to bottom at least once, we've had exterior renovations, outdoor painting is ongoing and DW has done....nothing. Not spilled one drop of paint in that time. DW basically thinks that anything involving a minimum of physical competence (fixing bike chains, changing fuses, cutting grass) is best left to a man.

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