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Arguing in a relationship - what is normal and does it ever improve?

(3 Posts)
user1497859902 Mon 19-Jun-17 11:22:49

(Originally posted this in AIBU but has been suggested I move it here)

DP and I have been together 3 years and when we are getting on, our relationship is amazing. We go through phases of arguing, which will usually consist of 2 or more in the space of a few days. We get on well for a few weeks, then have a week of arguing and repeat. We don’t have shouting matches, but our disagreements can get verbally heated (we can both say nasty things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment).

The things we argue about are usually instigated by me and are normally quite trivial matters really. DP can be lazy and inconsiderate at times and also when he’s stressed, he can take it out on me. If I feel upset/annoyed about one of his actions, I like to discuss it whereas DP shuts down and tries to change the subject to avoid any confrontation. DP’s unwillingness to discuss things annoys me further, leading in me provoking him/following him around the house trying to talk until an argument breaks. DP feels I’m argumentative and that the arguments tie in with my ‘time of the month’ though that’s not the case for all of our disagreements. I have never had a relationship where I have not had a lot of arguments, which leads me to wonder if I am the problem.

Are these sorts of relationships ever able to get better? We don’t want to carry on like this but we have not yet found a solution to the above. We can both see how good we are for one another but when we argue we can lose all sight of this and nasty things are said. I have this morning found out that I am pregnant (unplanned), hence this post and feel terribly worried about the right way forward. sad

aibu1234 Mon 19-Jun-17 14:20:05

i think the way forward is getting him to talk to you, each time there is an issue tell him it needs to be discussed and it will be resolved calmer and quicker if he doesnt walk away.

My ex used to leave the house if i tried to talk to him about something that bothered me, i would be stuck in the house stewing (as the kids were in bed) in the end he wouldnt speak to me about anything so i ended the relationship.

User14346741 Mon 19-Jun-17 16:14:07

I think you both need to make some changes. I could literally have written your OP myself a couple of years ago (minus pregnancy)

You need to stop following him around to try and get him to talk/ same for if you have an argument and he wants to cool off. It's not nice to have someone just following you trying to cajole you into an argument.

And he needs to address his lack of communication as it's also unfair to refuse to discuss things with you about your relationship.

With me, I just sort of lay it all down in a factual way - our relationship won't last if we keep doing x y z. I'll work on a b c as I know that makes you unhappy and you have to work on 1 2 3 as that makes me unhappy.

I know it sounds basic but my relationship turned around as soon as we both accepted responsibility for the things we were doing that made the other unhappy. Obviously that hinges on your ability to work together and if one of you doesn't want to change then it probably won't get better

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