Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband doesnt love me.

(27 Posts)
dyinginside13 Sun 18-Jun-17 21:32:43

I really need some advice please. Ive been with my oh for 16years..married 9. The past 6 months have been crap. He has told me he doesnt love me on numerous occasions because to cut a very long story short. Im very insecure and basically acuse him of doing stuff..moan if he glances at other women..im constantly scrutinising his every move and for no reason. He is an amazing dad to our 3kids, works hard for us. And ive really just pushed him so much he has had enough of me. He has been staying at a mates for 4 days now. I am dying. I really dont want to lose him, but he says he is done. Im such an idiot. 3 times in the past 6 months ive done something to fire up and him say he doesnt want this and he has stayed. Now he has gone and he really doesnt want me. Help!!

Kennethnoisewater Sun 18-Jun-17 21:35:37

There is no help, you admit you have pushed him away with your appalling, abusive, controlling behaviour. There is nothing to do now but learn from this and hope that you don't carry your terrible behaviour over to new relationships, get help, counselling etc but if he says he's done (and I don't blame him) then let him go and be happy.

Peewee23 Sun 18-Jun-17 21:37:11

Only you can take steps to change the way you behave. If you want him back you are going to have to and even that might not be enough

Want2beme Sun 18-Jun-17 21:59:29

Why do you think you behave in this way? Have you considered seeking help for yourself? It's tough to hear you're not loved.

thestamp Sun 18-Jun-17 22:04:05

Are you really going to change? It's unlikely isn't it?

I think you need to let him go.

Maybe there are good reasons why you are acting like this- but then, that in itself would indicate that it's time to let him go in any case...

You can't expect him to stay with someone who doesn't trust him and has made him unhappy...

Lexieblue Sun 18-Jun-17 22:15:12

In the very unlikely scenario of getting another chance OP you need to treat him better. And get counselling; possibly both separately and together to understand why you're doing this, whether the damage done can be fixed and if there is a future.

If he's done you have to accept it. Nurture his role as a father. Get counselling for yourself.

But this decision is out of your hands now. He needs space.

smitti Sun 18-Jun-17 22:19:33

Why have the last six months in particular been bad? Has your behaviour been worse, if so why? Has his behaviour changed at all?

gillybeandramaqueen Sun 18-Jun-17 23:02:46

Hey. It can't ALL be down to you. Can it? Has he not played his part?

PookieDo Sun 18-Jun-17 23:07:42

I am gobsmacked by the suggestion that the DH may have deserved some of this abuse? Did you mean that Gilly?
OP admits being abusive and DH has done nothing wrong.

OP this is a horrible wake up call but you need to let him go. I am sorry for you but you need to get help. And do not try to make him stay with you when he doesn't want to.
I hope you get the help you need.

Giraffey1 Sun 18-Jun-17 23:16:17

Have you ever sought help for this behaviour? You know it isn't normal, don't you? I think that if you really want to salvage this relationship (and I'm not sure you can) you need to do something to demonstrate you recognise that what you are doing is wrong and pushing your H away. It isn't surprising he has finally had enough, given what you've said. I'm sorry if the sounds blunt, but if the roles were reversed .....

gillybeandramaqueen Sun 18-Jun-17 23:18:59

No I didn't mean that at all. I meant - did he contribute in any way to the deterioration of the relationship?

SandyY2K Sun 18-Jun-17 23:19:01

I think you should seek counselling to get to the bottom of why you do this.
It might be related to your childhood experiences and a time you felt abandoned, or that you saw this happen in your parent's relationship.

Your insecurity stems from somewhere and has impacted on your marriage really badly.

Are you insecure because of your looks /weight?

Is it your husband's personality that leaves you insecure?

It could be that a therapist is what you need, rather than a counsellor, if your issues are deep rooted. An initial assessment with a good counsellor will put you in the right direction.

Get one who is a member of the BACP.

splendidglenda Sun 18-Jun-17 23:23:53

It is abusive behaviour. You can make some steps now to get counselling and make sure you facilitate good contact between him and the children. Do all of this for the right reasons. Not to get him back. Maybe someday you'll be reunited. Maybe not. Wish you well, OP. You deserve happiness too. Hopefully the counselling will enable that flowers

PookieDo Sun 18-Jun-17 23:27:29

It won't really be helpful to focus on things he did wrong to break the relationship down if he no longer wants to fix it.
If this is only in the last 6 months then something must have changed majorly but he's done the right thing for the kids as they won't have to experience this at home if it's been this awful

PaintingByNumbers Sun 18-Jun-17 23:36:14

have you always been this way? how sure are you that he isnt being unfaithful? i'm surprised so many posters are agreeing with your take on it, it seems equally likely he is being unfaithful and that is driving your behaviour. so if you havent always been this way, what changed?

Cricrichan Sun 18-Jun-17 23:37:10

You need counselling. I am on the receiving end and it has meant that I no longer love him. I know why he is like that, it's because of his childhood and his narcissistic mother but it still doesn't change the fact that it affects us. All it's done is what he feared most and that's push me away.

So you need to change. You need counselling and coping mechanisms.

PookieDo Sun 18-Jun-17 23:45:49

If he had cheated then I would have hoped OP had mentioned this in the OP. As it has no mention of this at all I take it at face value that he hadn't cheated and sounds like a man who has just had enough

Happy to be corrected but also not happy that we must assume all men are cheaters and there must alewsy be a reason for paranoia. How does this work on both MN are we to read all posts not at face value and make up our own versions?

PookieDo Sun 18-Jun-17 23:46:37

'How does this work on MN'
Stupid auto correct adding words in

MyheartbelongstoG Mon 19-Jun-17 01:10:06

I did this with my ex husband but for different reasons and we worked it out. Eventually I left him.

Give him space and time.

Good luck op.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 19-Jun-17 01:58:24

What happened first, your behaviour or him saying he didnt love you?

Sarawoods Mon 19-Jun-17 05:22:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LedaP Mon 19-Jun-17 06:01:00

The way the Op has acted is abusive.

If a woman posted from her dhs perspective would you say 'what did you do to contribute to your abusive partners actions?'

The op clearly says she constantly scrutinised her husbands every move. For no reason.

I have been where he is and eventually ot becomes too much and you do fall out of love. You become detached fron the person doing this too you.

TaggySits Mon 19-Jun-17 06:46:07

Does Dr Solution sort blocked drains?

Siwdmae Mon 19-Jun-17 06:57:50

Does Dr Solution sort blocked drains?

Ha ha! Reported the Dr Solution stupidity. Probably everyone else did too. Ridiculous shite.

OP! You need counselling no to understand why you have gone so far to push him away sad

cherrylove Mon 19-Jun-17 06:59:39

I need a Dr Solution in my life. grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now