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Am I being high maintenance?

(21 Posts)
PenguinBollard Sun 18-Jun-17 20:47:13

Background:
I'm 26, have only had two previous relationships.
Relationship 1: From age 18-23, we bought a house, had a dog - super serious. He was a lovely guy but we weren't a good match. Broke up amicably.
18 months single.
Relationship 2: Moved too fast with seemingly perfect guy. To cut a long story short, he turned out to be very mentally disturbed and left me the moment I got made redundant and could no longer support him. (He lived off me for 8 months). He stole all my money, and bizarrely my laptop, leaving me in a lot of debt. This was in February.

Now I'm with current OH. We met just a few weeks after R2 ruined my life. I like him a lot but struggle to remain... "stable" in my feelings - ie. sometimes I could take it or leave it, sometimes he's my world. I try to be consistent with him however.

Absolutely bizarrely, I still haven't told the majority of my friends I'm seeing someone (it's been 3 months) though he has met my Mum.

Because of R2, I think I'm particularly sensitive. I have Social Anxiety Disorder (which I'm taking tablets for) and definitely could win awards for worrying and overthinking.

This weekend, OH and I had vague plans to meet today. He ended up staying out with friends much longer than he intended last night, meaning he was very tired today. We text a little bit with him asking me what I'm doing and saying he was watching a movie - no mention of meeting up.
I end up messaging him "Just to clarify, I take it you don't want to see me this weekend? X".
He replies that he thought we were meeting tomorrow (which had been discussed, tbf) and that he didn't really want to do anything today.
Genuinely fine, but I wish this had been clarified without me having to ask.

This has happened a few times.

I don't remember ever being clingy before, but right now I worry if he doesn't message me. Feel rejected when we don't meet up, over-analyse what he says (or doesn't say!) and sometimes withdraw when I feel like I'm not getting enough attention. (Which sounds awful when I type it out blush)
I mention this occasionally to him, in a bid to be honest, but try not to dwell on it.

He has said multiple times that he loves me, that he thinks he likes me more than I like him, that he wants to move in with me when we're ready and he is keen to make long term plans (going to a family wedding in the Autumn, booking a holiday in Winter etc).

I'm being bonkers, aren't I?
I really don't want to be the lunatic girlfriend that needs constant reassurance but similarly I'm so worried that he's just going to suddenly stop liking me and disappear with all my money and the photos of my grandmother on my laptop that I sometimes find myself trying to stop liking him.

Any advice appreciated sad

PenguinBollard Sun 18-Jun-17 20:47:26

Bloody hell, that was long blush

jimijack Sun 18-Jun-17 20:54:47

I don't know how you can fucked with all that, seems to me like an AWFUL lot of effort.

Do you feel that he is pissing you about? Not turning up when arranged, not communicating with you in a reasonable manner?

WifeyFish Sun 18-Jun-17 20:56:21

In honesty it sounds like you're not really ready to be in another relationship and I suspect your changing emotions are a symptom of having not given yourself enough time to reflect on R2 before launching yourself into R3.

FWIW the only relationships I've ever felt that overanalysing anxiety in have been the ones where subconsciously I knew things weren't totally right. Is there a reason why you haven't wanted to introduce him to your friends yet?

Msqueen33 Sun 18-Jun-17 20:59:54

Maybe you need to take some time out from dating. I was with my ex for seven years and he left me for someone else and it was awful. I met my now dh a few months later and for our entire first year I was a mess. I ended it with him. But he wasn't keen to give up. But my ex caused me a lot of issues.

PenguinBollard Sun 18-Jun-17 21:01:41

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Do you feel that he is pissing you about? Not turning up when arranged, not communicating with you in a reasonable manner?

I don't think so.
My gut feeling is that he's a good guy. He doesn't not turn up to concrete plans, more doesn't chase up on plans that we were previously talking about.
I rely very heavily on my instincts for things.
HOWEVER, after R2 - I don't have a lot of faith in my instincts, which puts me in a predicament as that's how I functioned before.

Is there a reason why you haven't wanted to introduce him to your friends yet?
I don't really know. Possibly because its so soon and I wanted to get things cleared with ex (he owes me A LOT of money) before I introduced someone new.
Except now ex has done a runner.

Maybe because I moved so fast with ex, that I kinda like keeping this one slow and to myself... blush

PenguinBollard Sun 18-Jun-17 21:03:23

Maybe you need to take some time out from dating.

The only thing that is bigger than my worry about not being able to be alone is my worry about being alone. It's very masochistic

RebelRogue Sun 18-Jun-17 21:10:19

You are very insecure ,understandingly so. I think PP is right. You are not ready to be in a relationship yet, and in some ways it sounds like you are self sabotaging , so when/if he does break up you will have your suspicions confirmed,and your self esteem will take another dent. It's an awful and unhealthy cycle to be in. Been there done that.
Take a break from dating,sort your affairs with your ex and regain your confidence.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 Sun 18-Jun-17 22:11:13

I had an ex who, well let's just say didn't treat me very well, I was left friendless with no confidence and very wary of people. I worked very hard on myself and was trying to work out how to be me and just casually date when I met dh only months later(I was still on anti depressants and seeing a councillor) letting him in was terrifying but we have been together for 15 years now.

No one can tell you if this is the right guy or the right time. I can tell you that working on yourself and moving on from a bad relationship don't have to be mutually exclusive. A decent and right man will understand you keeping an arms length for a while. If he is not ok with it he is not the 1. Put yourself first and I would advise to get some help. Therapists, though I am aware can be awful, can also be amazing. I have been through 2 rounds of cbt for different things and I can honestly tell you my life is immeasurably better for it.

Krispiesquare Sun 18-Jun-17 22:16:33

R2's first name didn't begin with an 'F' did it?

junebirthdaygirl Sun 18-Jun-17 22:22:28

I would get some counselling for yourself. You have been through a lot with that last brat and need help to sort it in your head. Continue casually with new guy meanwhile. Also try and find things you like to do eg gym..meet friends so you are standing on solid ground more and more. Give yoyrself a chance. What you have been through is quite traumatic.

PookieDo Sun 18-Jun-17 22:53:42

You need to work on the scared of being alone part because that is exactly what draws you into these relationships, not because you just simply like the person - because you NEED them to like you.

If you have to be with someone you will do anything to make it work and have no boundaries, feel confused over how you really feel about them and be led all the time by paranoia that they don't like you. Which explains why you shift your behaviour a lot because it's just responding to this deep need all the time. This is soul destroying. Please work on it. The need will drive you, up down, sideways, all over. You should be with this guy because he is a great guy and that is all. People don't need each other they want each other - it's different.

Be honest - I'm brutal sorry - you haven't introduced this guy to your friends because you are embarrassed about the speed of the relationship and that they will disapprove?

Aquamarine1029 Sun 18-Jun-17 23:15:18

I really think you need time without a relationship to figure out who you are. If you don't understand yourself, any relationship you're in doesn't stand a chance.

SandyY2K Sun 18-Jun-17 23:23:57

Did you report your Ex to the police for stealing your laptop?

I also wonder if you're ready for a relationship right now.

Take it slowly and try getting a clear understanding of the next date plans, so you don't end up feeling ditched.

TheStoic Mon 19-Jun-17 04:28:03

Do you know much about Attachment Theory, OP? If not, perhaps Google it. You sound very Avoidant to me - because I am the same. Perhaps read up on that and see what you think.

TempusEedjit Mon 19-Jun-17 07:54:42

PookieDo's post is spot on. You need to be OK with being on your own before being in another relationship. All the while you're viewing men through your needy-tinted spectacles your standards will be lower than they should be and you'll miss all sorts of red flags.

OnionKnight Mon 19-Jun-17 07:57:45

You don't seem ready to be in another relationship and I wonder if deep down you know this? Hence not telling your friends.

AguacateMaduro Tue 20-Jun-17 08:27:50

I have major anxiety about introducing bfs to family. For similar reasons. Everything always ends so it is like yr own optimism is humiliating for everybody. Or summit

HarmlessChap Tue 20-Jun-17 09:00:20

I wish this had been clarified without me having to ask
over-analyse what he says (or doesn't say!)

Clear communication is everything in a relationship, it sounds as though you are expecting him to know what questions you want answered without asking them. Unless he's psychic he's always going to fail in that respect.

Don't make vague plans make clear ones, if he says something and you can interpret it in many ways ask him what he means and if he doesn't say something you expect him to then bring it up yourself.

It sounds like you are transferring your anxiety caused by the last relationship onto this one and that's not healthy for either of you.

PenguinBollard Tue 20-Jun-17 17:44:17

Krispiesquare No, unless you want to substitute his first name for "f*cker" in which case, yes.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 Thank you for sharing, your ex sounds foul. I'm glad you found someone lovely smile

I haven't reported ex regarding the laptop - I'm still holding out hope of an amicable solution because I'm an idiot.

I've got an initial counselling appointment booked for Thursday which hopefully will help with the anxiety and attachment stuff.

I looked up Anxious Attachments as a PP suggested and it does seem to fit.

I really like this guy, and I think it is a healthy relationship despite my anxiety - though I can understand why people are suggesting it's too soon. I've set myself some ground rules to keep things slow, no moving in together or anything else high commitment - the last two relationships we moved in within 2 months and I'm not making that mistake again.

I couldn't say why I haven't told everyone, but my two closest friends and my Mum know so I don't think I'm ashamed or embarrassed because otherwise I wouldn't tell them.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice.

Barbaro Tue 20-Jun-17 18:46:25

No high commitment rule but you're calling him your other half? He's just a boyfriend still really. I think you aren't ready for a relationship yet unfortunately because you seem to have met someone nice but you're going to ruin it if you dont be careful. If it is just the anxiety then work on it with your counsellor and dont hold back on details. They need to know everything to be able to help you. Hope it goes well for you.

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