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So my exH and his new wife are having a baby ...

(44 Posts)
BossyBitch Sat 17-Jun-17 11:21:51

I get along with and really like both of them and I do feel happy for them, really. So why am I so desperately, desperately sad then?

FWIW, I really don't want him back. He's great but we're utterly incompatible and when I broke it off a big part of the reason was that I just couldn't envisage spending a lifetime with someone I was already no longer in love with after just 7 years (much as I did and continue to love him in a non-romantic sense). We basically managed the perfect textbook amicable divorce, have stayed genuine friends and help each other out with both personal and business matters regularly. We may have been kind if a shit couple, but, boy, did we ace our break up and subsequent divorce!

I'm now 35 and single. No DC, though I would technically like them - just not on my own! Had two MC while still married (which I handled quite well despite the obvious sadness), so maybe that's part of why I'm so very upset now. I have a very good career, six figure salary actually, and technically have no reason at all to be unhappy with life. I do suck at the whole romance thing, though, having literally not met any man I even wanted a third date with since the divorce.

TBH, I have no idea why I'm so very upset, but I really want to be curling up in a corner and bawling my eyes out. Which is also not actually an option, seeing as I'm on a flight to a 3 week training course shortly.

Not sure what I'm even asking except maybe: how to I stop feeling so utterly miserable?

BossyBitch Sat 17-Jun-17 11:26:20

... and, sorry, that turned out a lot longer than I intended.

In summary: my ex is going to be a father, I'm desperately sad and could really use some help gaining some perspective and cheering the hell up.

Phoebefromfriends Sat 17-Jun-17 11:29:41

I'm not surprised you feel sad, having a great job is awesome but doesn't make up for the fact you want kids. Deep down despite the issues you probably feel they have the life you want and of course that's going to make you sad especially as you are single. Take some time to look after yourself and focus on what changes you can make to take you closer to reaching what you want. Life is shit at times and it can be so easy to feel jealous esp on social media but we don't know if they are really happy or whether it will last. Good luck OP.

NellieFiveBellies Sat 17-Jun-17 11:30:10

i think it's normal to be sad. it's what might have been isnt it?

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 17-Jun-17 11:33:43

Sorry you're feeling so low OP flowers

It's natural to feel like this! You wouldn't want to be with him but you can grieve for what you'd imagined life would be like back when you were happy and together.

You don't want their baby but having had two miscarriages, which is so traumatic, maybe you're sad because you want your baby.

It sounds like you're doing really well, life is mostly good.

If you want to, you have plenty of time to meet someone and have a partner and hopefully a family of your own.

In the short term, you know what to do. Keep busy when that helps. Focus on the wonderful things about your life. Look forward! Feel sad, that's totally normal, give yourself time to be with those feelings.

Badgertastic Sat 17-Jun-17 11:34:45

Be kind to yourself. It is inevitable that when your exh announces the pregnancy that it opens an old wound and makes you feel sad. You may not want him back and be genuinely happy for them both, but it can make you grieve what you thought you would have with him and how your life might have been had you still been in love and also make you think about the miscarriages. I felt the same way when my ex announced that his gf was pregnant. It hit me really hard. It will ease, but while it is raw please be kind to yourself. And when you feel a bit better have a think about if you would like to meet someone and if the answer is yes, then take positive steps towards that. In the meantime have a virtual hug from me and a handhold. flowers

Pommes Sat 17-Jun-17 11:34:57

OP, you may well find the sadness lasts for the duration of the pregnancy only.

Different situation but I struggled with secondary infertility - I too was thrilled when friends announced pregnancies, whilst feeling sad for myself. Sadness was entirely replaced by excitement (and some empathy because those newborn weeks are hard work!) once the babies were born.

Sn0tnose Sat 17-Jun-17 11:38:34

I think it's clear that you're sad not because you want him back but because you maybe want the set up he has. And I'd imagine partly because when you marry someone, you usually do so in the belief that you'll have a happy home life together, so perhaps there's some sadness that life didn't work out like that. It's only natural that you're going to be upset. Stop beating yourself up about it.

You know that if you'd stayed together, you'd be unhappy. It hasn't happened for you yet, but you've freed yourself up to enable yourself to get closer to what it is you want in life.

Use your course as a distraction to get you through the next few weeks. Get home, have a bloody good cry, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start thinking seriously about what you want for the future. Then you can go from there.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sat 17-Jun-17 11:41:25

It could be grief for the relationship your thought you had (but didn't) and/or is it your biological clock making itself felt do you think? Do you want children? 35 and single is a difficult place to be if you want children and seeing your ex get what you want could bring that to the surface perhaps? You say you have a good job and you therefore also have options, is it time to have a careful think about where you go from here and look into other options and see if you might go it alone? E.g. If you haven't met the right person by x age you will use donor sperm or look to adopt?
I always thought I wouldn't want to go it alone and did meet the right person in my early thirties, but actually, knowing what I do now, I know I really could have done it alone if need be and it might have helped me to know that back when I was single. All the best flowers

BossyBitch Sat 17-Jun-17 11:48:43

Thanks everyone!

I just feel I'm being a massive, selfish dick for even being sad when I'm doing so very well in almost every other aspect of my life. I mean, I'm reasonably wealthy, well educated, have a career that I'm passionate about and a home my own boss has admitted to being jealous of. I don't have particularly many friends, but the ones I do have are ace and some of the most inspiring, intelligent people you'll ever meet.

What I don't have and have never had, really, is family - and I guess that's part of why I'm sad. My parents and siblings are spread across three continents and we've never been all that close. And, yes, I did want that. As it happens, I can't even seem to manage a normal romantic relationship. I mean, I utterly fail at online dating for heaven's sake. I guess that counts as some kind of an achievement?

ineedsummer1 Sat 17-Jun-17 11:50:10

My exh has just announced his gf is pregnant, it cut me open with grief all over again especially as we terminated our baby as it wasn't the right time and he didn't want anymore kids. Now he's been with her less than a year (we were together 15) so yea that hurt.

BossyBitch Sat 17-Jun-17 11:51:23

summer I'm sorry. It's really shit for not entirely rational reasons, isn't it? flowers

TempusEedjit Sat 17-Jun-17 12:04:16

DH's ex was the one who finished with him, never wanted to be married to him (nothing wrong with that), had a new DP she was very happy with. I met DH some time after they'd split up. However when DH told her we were getting married she cried at the news. I think it's natural to mourn what could have been had things worked out. I also felt similar when my exH moved on and had a baby despite me ending things with him.

Just because other things in your life are good doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel upset about this; a headache doesn't hurt less just because the rest of your body feels ok. I hope you feel better soon flowers

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 17-Jun-17 12:11:00

It's totally natural OP, it is the thought of what might have been. The thought that it might, or should, have been you having his baby rather than his new wife.

It doesn't mean that you regret breaking up with him at all. It just brings back the sadness of losing your own babies and now his new wife is about to have what you would have had.

It's OK to feel shit about it flowers wine.

Sn0tnose Sat 17-Jun-17 12:17:30

As it happens, I can't even seem to manage a normal romantic relationship. I mean, I utterly fail at online dating for heaven's sake. You identified that your relationship wasn't right for you and you ended it while remaining on good terms. I'd say that's indicative of someone who is emotionally mature and it's a massive achievement! And thousands of people don't have any luck with on line dating; the Internet is full of weirdos. It doesn't mean you've failed, it just means that the person you'd click with wasn't about.

Jux Sat 17-Jun-17 12:27:40

You're saying goodbye to the imaginary future you thought you'd have with him but which he's having with someone else. It's quite normal and natural. Mourning.

FWIW! I met dh when I was 38 and had dd at 41, so 35 is plenty of time!

ineedsummer1 Sat 17-Jun-17 12:33:27

I guess it's that sunk cost fallacy. You might not be happy now but you will be, and things will work itself out xxx hugs

EssentialHummus Sat 17-Jun-17 12:34:28

You identified that your relationship wasn't right for you and you ended it while remaining on good terms. I'd say that's indicative of someone who is emotionally mature and it's a massive achievement! And thousands of people don't have any luck with on line dating; the Internet is full of weirdos.

Yes and yes! You are rightly sad right now, for reasons that make a lot of sense. Have a good cry, get on with your course, and have a think about how else you could meet the right guy when you're back.

flowers

ineedsummer1 Sat 17-Jun-17 12:35:36

I'm also a bit smug as I'm free to live my life as I want it and he will soon be stuck with sleep less nights and nappies all over again!

BossyBitch Sat 17-Jun-17 19:11:40

Well, a definite yes to the internet being full of weirdos. At one point I seriously considered writing a book about the ones I picked up online.

Being a woman in your mid-thirties doesn't help. Apparently, it makes men automatically assume you're desperate and willing to settle for someone you'd never actually date in a million years. I'm really not about to embark on a romantic ride into the sunset with a 59-year-old, morbidly obese professional ufologist, thankseversomuch!

Tried treating myself to something nice and, being ever my practical self, bought the posher version of the slightly smaller suitcase I actually genuinely needed because it was on sale for only a twenty more than the regular version I was going to buy.

Lessons learned: Buying practical stuff on sale doth not effective retail therapy make.

Might make myself a nice G&T, though. Perks of being the not-pregnant one, I suppose. grin

SandyY2K Sat 17-Jun-17 19:36:45

I think it's basically that you have everything money can buy within reason.

Nothing really compensates for having a partner/family l and being in a loving secure relationship, when that's what you'd like deep inside.

A former manager of mine was like this. She was a couple of years younger than me, but longed for a partner and a child.

I kept telling her that she was successful career wise, but she just burst into tears.

They have what you'd like, but you want that with someone else.

SandyY2K Sat 17-Jun-17 19:39:04

I meant to add, that what you don't have, money can't buy

Congratulations on such a successful career though. Financial independence as a woman, is very important IMO.

junebirthdaygirl Sat 17-Jun-17 19:43:48

I think its not surprising you cried as obviously when you set out on that journey with him you thought ye would have babies together. Dont be hard on yourself. You need to go through this. Miscarriages can cause grief to pop up at unexpected times too. Allow yourself time to grieve and you will be further down the road when you come through this.

BossyBitch Sat 17-Jun-17 19:50:27

Also, financial independence in a woman is apparently quite intimidating to men. I've had several of them tell me they couldn't date a woman who makes more money than I do.

Oddly enough, that's a deal-breaker for me as well - albeit for entirely different reasons: I can't deal with someone who's either so misogynistic or so insecure that this would bother them.

The one woman I know reasonably well who's really ridiculously successful (senior partner at my firm) got married and had children in her early to mid forties. She's also married to a guy who's essentially playing what would traditionally be a woman's role, i.e. doing the lion's share of childcare and housework while she's raking in the big money.

Not sure if there are many of his ilk around. The thing is, I'm not willing to give up on a career I bloody love and am very good at just because it bothers men. I did give up a job for my husband once (he hated the long hours) and it made me resent him. Not goong down that road again.

BossyBitch Sat 17-Jun-17 19:51:53

Makes more money than they do ... though I think I do technically make more than any of the charmers who said that to me.

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