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Is it worth fighting for....(7 Posts)
Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on anything like this so sorry for the blurting that's about to happen, but I'm so upset I need some help and advice as I really don't know what to do...
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, but been together for about 7-8. We have a beautiful little girl who is now 2, and my husband has 2 older children (20 and 23) from previous marriage, the 20 year old son lives with us, and I get on well with both.
My husband works away tues-Thursday each week which is sometimes hard to managed house/work/child during this time but it has always made the time we are all together more special. He is a fantastic dad to our little one and helps with housework and cooking at weekends and is very practical around the house. You would think it sounds perfect!
But I'm becoming more and more unhappy. I am living with what I now realise to be a very narcissistic husband. When we are good we are very good, but it's only when it is on his terms. I notice he has complete control in our family bubble, but because we are all happy I push it to one side. However if I ever try and give him some advice or 'constructive feedback' (which he gives me constantly), or don't agree with what he is saying or what he wants to do, he hates it. I can best describe it as a sulk, which can last for days if I don't backtrack or let things go (and annoyingly say sorry just to move on). It's like a viscous circle and I feel as though I'm constantly on egg shells when things are good waiting for him to 'Switch'. Although he did not drink much when our little one was born (he drank quite a bit before), I have noticed that this moody and emotionally aggressive attitude is 100 times worse when he's had a few to drink, which is becoming more and more frequent. I have asked him if he is unhappy and what is wrong when he sulks to try and encourage a conversation, but he's not interested, and the more I ask to talk about it as it's really upsetting and frustrating me, the more defensive he gets.
I'm so sorry this is such a long post. When reading back over what I've written I sound weak and pathetic, but this is not the person I was or want to be. I am socialble, strong minded, intelligent and be bought up to know the rights and wrongs. But I'm sat here not knowing what to do And realise I have no one to talk to in friends and family as I don't have many close friends and I don't want my family to worry. I love my baby and my husband dearly (well one half of him). Do I need to accept this is going to be my life as he's never going to change, and just hope the good times outweigh the bad times (60:40 split I'd say recently.
Any advice would be great!! Xxxx
You are not weak and pathetic OP. The fact that you accept and acknowledge his behaviour is wrong is a great start.
This is no way to live to be honest. His behaviour towards you is not that of a loving and equal partner is it! You're not allowed to disagree with him or question him and this is a form of control.
Sulking really is not an attractive trait in anyone, let alone a grown man.
No-one can tell you what to do but if you are determined to make it work, you need to sit down and tell him he needs to change or you will be out the door. You say he's not interested if you try to talk, well give him an ultimatum then. Actions speak louder than words.
Try to imagine your life being like this forever. Does that sound good to you. You deserve a partner who loves you and cares about your feelings OP, he does not do this.
Seriously consider whether this relationship is good for you. Men like this only get worse as they get older.
I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but, I think this was all too much, too quick. I think it's at least 4-5 years before you can truly know someone & his cracks are showing now.
You only get one stab at life & if he's not going to change you need to walk.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
This sounds abusive
He's nice to you only if getting everything his own way? This is not ok
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?. HE may be happy because he is the dominator and king of all he surveys; you are all but narcissistic supply and bit part players to him. No wonder you are unhappy, anyone else in your situation would be too. This is not a good life for you or your child.
This does not have to be your life going forward; you have a choice.
Its not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and they can make for being deplorably bad parent figures as well.
The "good" times you currently have are really on his terms and those are stifling you as a person. They are probably also less frequent now that before; usually the power and control antes ramp up over time too.
And no, he is not a fantastic dad either; whatever gave you that idea?. Doing some cooking and chores really is the bare minimum here which makes me also think your boundaries are way off kilter too. Also he treats you like something he has stepped in; that is why he is not a good dad to his child. Women in poor relationships often write such when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As again is the case here.
Sulking is really another form of emotional abuse; its never ever about silence in its own right. His actions are all about power and control; this is what abuse is all about. Its all about him and the image he wishes to portray to the outside world, he wants to use you all to make him look good.
Would you want your DD to have a relationship like yours; what do you think she is learning about relationships here?. Would you want this for her?.
Joint counselling with him anyway here is a non starter because of the abuse. He would be unlikely to engage with any counsellor in any event (because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here and is always right) so I would suggest you go on your own. You also need to talk freely in a calm safe space and he would never give you any opportunity to do that.
If you issue an ultimatum you have to be fully prepared to carry it out otherwise there is no point.
I would contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women for further support and guidance.
Abusive people generally show their true colors once they think you're trapped and have fewer options to be independent, like once you've had a child.
Think it through, when. Did this become an issue?
How does he behave to his adult children? Are they allowed to raise issues?
The reason for not putting up with it is your daughter.Do you want her to believe this is a normal relationship?
Walking on eggshells is no way to live, I got out from a similar marriage after 16 years.It only got worse.
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