It's over...she wants a divorce

[apostle51]

A bit of background ,
I met my wife when she was 19 and I was 21, 20 years ago. It was one of those encounters that we both just knew we would be together.
We where together for 7 years before getting married and in total we've been together for 20 years, have 4 kids (18,12,9 and 6)
We have a house together, our first house purchased just 3 1/2 years ago.
Up until August last year I always thought we were really good, really happy, not a sign of anything being as it shouldn't be.
When out the blue she tells me "she's done" she doesn't love me like she feels she should anymore.
I was in shock obviously, nothing to point the finger at, nothing had happened and up to that moment we were a forever couple.
Spent all of last September organising a place for her and the 3 youngest to live and come e day she gets her flat reality hits, she panics I think, tells me she's sorry, she's always loved me and couldn't be without me and decides she wants to stay and give it a go.

Everything was fine up to xmas, we where getting on really well like nothing had happened at previously. Up until March this year she was still texting me saying she loves me, that we would be fine and she's glad she married me etc..
Around comes April 1st, our 20th anniversary of meeting and it was like someone has flicked a switch.
She gets cold and distant, doesn't want any physical contact and after pleading to her to tell me what's wrong, she tells me again that she's not sure what she wants again.
Spent the next 6 or 7 weeks like that, wondering if I'm gonna come home and she's gonna tell me again that she wants to leave, when finally she says the one thing I was hoping she wouldn't, she doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave 😢

I don't know what to do, I'm totally lost. I know it's out of my hands but I'm really really struggling to imagine life without her without having my kids at home as a family we've had for all this time.
I can't figure out why she was putting all those positive signal and texts and talks over to me for the 6 or 7 months previous if this is were we are now.

She's has now seen a solicitor and has started to petition for divorce, she doesn't want to live in the house but wants to move out with all the kids bar the eldest.
She only works part time, 16 hours a week so she's trying to figure out the best way of dealing with the equity in the house and how it might affect her benefits. We haven't got much equity as we jointly remortgaged last year to clear some debt and get new things for the house to help with a fresh start so there's on about £68k equity in it now, before anything is paid off.

Tbh, I'm not fussed about anything atm. The house, my job me.

The emotions of knowing I've lost her are just all consuming.

How do you cope after being with someone that long, not knowing anything else and realising its gone.

We were always so happy ..😥😢

[mickyblueyes]

apostle51 first of all sorry you are going through this heartbreak, it's an awful thing to go through. My experience is similar to yours, and it feels like your world has fallen apart, but the main thing to know is that it gets better and you will, given time you will get through this.

I suspect many others will ask the same question in that are you sure your wife isn't seeing someone else? People generally don't just "Check out" of a marriage, tear a family apart without some other reason?

With regards the house and everything don't jump to any quick decisions that you may regret in the future. See a solicitor, most of them offer a free consultation to see what you are entitled to.

[apostle51]

Thanks Mickey, I have a good support network, wider dimly good friends and they have all been pillars to lean on but only I can deal with the emotional side.

As far as seeing anyone else, it's possible. Last September I went mad looking for reasons as to why. I have our mobile phones on one account, I didn't look on the phone bill to check her phone I went on there for something else, this was 3 weeks after she told me she was leaving initially
I noticed a number come up...a lot. From mid July to at that time mid September she was texting this number hundreds of times a day everyday from the moment she was up till the moment she went to bed. Times when I was sitting with her, having days out with the kids even on my birthday .
I confronted her with it, of course she just brushed it of and nothing but banter and even now only admits to sending flirty texts, there was even a few picture messages she sent to him.
She's adamant nothing physical happened but I've never been sure.
What made it worse was this guy had been a family friend for decades, and he didn't even think to put a stop to it.

She told him about her feelings towards me and any marital problems she was seeing before she told me.
She had been feeling unhappy for months and months previously apparently, but just thought it would brush over and carried on putting across she was happy until it all got too much.

I always said to her if she had talked to me, like a husband and wife should talk in a relationship then we could have sorted things out before it got to the point she felt it was too late. Very unfair.

[apostle51]

Wider family that should say lo

[mickyblueyes]

I think you need to trust your gut instinct on this one. You go into a kind of denial mode that she couldn't, she wouldn't have an affair? She's not that type of person etc... but your gut maybe telling you something different. The fact that she is communicating with another man isn't a good sign.

Use the support network you have in place, careful who you talk to though especially mutual friends.

What kind of a person is your ex like?

[mickyblueyes]

*sorry I guess she isn't actually your ex.

[MadameOvary]

Having seen many, many threads on this subject I am so sorry but it is entirely possible that your wife planned to leave before, got cold feet (or OM did) then finally made up her mind. It is a cowardly and callous way to behave and I hope you have some good support in place.

[apostle51]

Mickey,
my stbxw has always been very open and honest, not once in 20 years would I ever doubt what she has ever said to me.
We always told each everything, even when others have asked not to tell anyone else we've shared everything. Best friends.
She's a great mum our kids I could never take that away from her.

All this seems so out of character, she would always tell others how wonderful I am to her, what a great dad, lovely man and how much she loves me. Never said a bad word to anyone about me as I never about her. Just so odd.

Madameovary,
It's certainly one train I though, last time I'm sure now it was more cod feet rather than how she felt about me that kept her from leaving first time around.

[Quimby]

"I confronted her with it, of course she just brushed it of and nothing but banter and even now only admits to sending flirty texts, there was even a few picture messages she sent to him"

Yeah you need to get your head around the fact that she cheated with this guy.

See a solicitor, get copies of any important documents (kids passports, joint accounts, pension docs) and start squirrelling away any cash you might need if you're the sahp or lower earner.

[Unsurewhattod0]

Op I could have written your post. I'm in exactly the same situation. Hurts like crazy. All I can say is stay strong brother.

[mickyblueyes]

She's a great mum our kids I could never take that away from her.

I think you might need to get your head around the fact that she might not be the great mum you describe. Sorry but great mums don't tear families apart without trying every possible way to resolve her unhappiness or texting other men and sending flirty pics (Probably more that you don't know about).

[Wellyboots86]

Sounds so similar to my situation now. My stbxw is due to move out this weekend. She'd been cheating on me for a couple of months, told me it was all online only but caught her in a lie a few weeks ago and have now seen proof it's been physical too.

Kids make it harder and I spent most of the time trying to hold the marriage together for them but ultimately I know they will be better with their parents apart than unhappy together.

I hope it all works out for you and as others have said, it will take time but it will eventually get better.

[apostle51]

Thanks guys, it's reassuring to know I'm not alone, it's been a rough day today emotionally.
I think it's not being in control and not knowing what's gonna happen next.

[HerOtherHalf]

I think it's not being in control and not knowing what's gonna happen next

You can change that, if nothing else. It's clear she doesn't love you any more and wants out. Stop letting her do all the runninh, especially when she's making you ride an emotional rollercoaster. Don't be vindictive, negative emotions drag you down in ever decreasing circles. Just decide that it's over and the sooner you get vlosure the soiner you can start on the next chapter in your life. See a solicitor. Oh and although they're largely grown up, this will effect your kids emotionally. Be sensitive to their needs.

[apostle51]

Yup, I've spent a while moping around the house that we still share, that's the hard thing, is her still being here. I've really got to stop that and show that I can carry on and be at ease with what's going on, even if It tears me up inside.
the kids have been really good with it but I know that will change the closer it gets to them moving.
she's adament she doesn't want to live in the house with the kids, even tho she may be entitled to which is a relief, but as nothing is set in stone it's still a concern.
although I have seen a solicitor for advice she was pretty useless, I had to ask, she was not very forthcoming with potential issues and as I have never done this before I didn't really know what to ask
any suggestions ?