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Second wives...

(34 Posts)
Thinkingloads Tue 13-Jun-17 20:51:19

Would it bother you if all plans you made with H, he then discussed in detail with his ExW?

leedspirate Tue 13-Jun-17 20:52:34

Yes. I'm happy to be the second but wouldn't like that x

donners312 Tue 13-Jun-17 20:53:51

TBH I have the most disgusting ex ever - if i met a man and he was good friends with his ex i would like that and view it as a sign he was decent. it depends though obviously on why you feel uneasy and if it is sneaky etc then probably not so much.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 13-Jun-17 20:53:59

Is there a reason he would be talking to her about your plans?

Thinkingloads Tue 13-Jun-17 20:57:24

Thank you for your response, glad I'm not alone! I just don't get it, makes me cross. Tonight it was our holiday, not even fully booked yet and he is on his phone discussing it with ExW

Desmondo2016 Tue 13-Jun-17 20:58:57

Yes. Yes it would. Rightly or wrongly. My dh had such a bloody amicable split even tho she cheated on him but he respected my immature and jealous streak lol and distanced himself until they eventually had no contact (no kids etc). I swear she realised she'd let a good one go and regretted it - she would do things like invite just him to parties etc. She can fuck off lol, much easier to have a vile, abusive ex like mine grin

Thinkingloads Tue 13-Jun-17 21:01:33

I get that they can be friends and that's fine with me but often feels like three people in a marriage! H just won't get it, it would be nice not to have to share everything

barrygetamoveonplease Tue 13-Jun-17 21:03:00

Goodness only knows what my (now late) ex said to wife 2 and wife 3. When we were married, he lied to all his friends about me, making up a personality for me that had nothing to do with the real me. It never occurred to me to care what he said to his wives.

Lanaorana2 Tue 13-Jun-17 21:07:22

Of all the ways second wives get a bum deal, this isn't the worst or anything like, but I would want to know why.

HildaOg Tue 13-Jun-17 21:09:01

Why is he talking to her? Do they have children because that would be a relevant reason for him to explain his plans. If that's not the issue and he can't let go of her then you have a big problem.

bakingaddict Tue 13-Jun-17 21:14:35

I would worry that he hasn't properly disassociated from his ex-wife or he was wanting to make her jealous, either way it shows that there are unresolved feelings still at play

TheNaze73 Tue 13-Jun-17 21:30:43

There'll always be a thing, whether really positive or negative withbthe first person someone marries. This seems a bit too far though

leedspirate Tue 13-Jun-17 21:41:30

Why is he discussing holidays? Do they kids that you're taking?

JK1773 Tue 13-Jun-17 21:45:33

I was going to ask if they have DC they need to make plans for?

Thinkingloads Tue 13-Jun-17 22:38:03

No kids. It's all a bit shit isn't it, just can't settle, 3 people in this marriage and I hate it. All plans get discussed.

HildaOg Tue 13-Jun-17 22:41:11

There's no reason for him to keep her in his life then. That's not fair on you. He's not over her. You can do better than him. You deserve to be in a two person marriage, not a three person!

Thinkingloads Tue 13-Jun-17 22:43:37

If I was to bring it up as an issue with H he would tell me that I'm the one with the problem, it would be my issue.

MrsPorth Tue 13-Jun-17 22:51:49

If there are no children, there is no need to be discussing plans. It's fine to be amicable but he's going overboard.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 14-Jun-17 00:44:25

'If I was to bring it up as an issue with H he would tell me that I'm the one with the problem, it would be my issue.'

And my reply would be - 'No, it's your issue. Because you're going to be looking down the barrel of a second divorce if you don't cop on, and quickly. I want a marriage with us two in it and no-one else. If you don't want to distance yourself from her, I'm going to distance myself from you both.'

And do it. This is ridiculous. Give him a short timescale to drop this nonsense, or give him the boot.

Schleeping Wed 14-Jun-17 01:35:38

If there are no kids involved then there is no reason for him to be in her life at all. I don't get why people stay so close to exes, especially when it's hurting their new partner. This level of detail and discussing your plans is just bonkers. Tell him he's no longer married to this woman! Sorry this would make me so angry.

Butterymuffin Wed 14-Jun-17 01:41:31

No kids? That's not on then. Agree with Fizzy. How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

scottishdiem Wed 14-Jun-17 01:57:54

As long as you dont share your plans with anyone then you can ask that he does the same.

(oops, forgot men and women cant be friends on MN).

Buttonmushoomex Wed 14-Jun-17 06:57:51

Perhaps during the next phone call he can pass the receiver over to you so that you can discuss how he performs in bed?

cakecakecheese Wed 14-Jun-17 07:57:22

What? I assumed they were in contact because of children. If there's no kids why on earth are they talking? Your plans are none of her damn business. Would he mind if you had an ex you discussed everything with?

Peanutbuttercheese Wed 14-Jun-17 08:21:18

Men and women can be friends, problem I have had is that 3 of the 6 men who I would have classed as really good friends have turned round and declared feelings for me.

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