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Is this what I think it is?

(54 Posts)
TeddyIsaHe Tue 13-Jun-17 11:51:33

DH and I have been having a difficult time of late. He was made redundant a couple of months ago, we have a 5 month old dd and things have been tough. I'm battling bad PND, and haven't been great to be around to be honest. I'm finally seeking help for it, started medication yesterday and have been seeing a therapist.

So as not to drip-feed, we aren't currently living together, although he lives a minutes walk away and is over all the time. We are not separated, I moved into the family home first whilst he stayed in our rented home until the lease was up.

I think he's having an affair. I have no concrete proof, but things are slowly coming to light to point in that direction - he had scratches on his back last week, and when I asked him where they came from he couldn't give me an answer. Just "I must have slept funny" hmm Today I have just found a balled up pop sock on my sofa which is definintely not mine - I don't own any. He came over last night and slept on the sofa as dd isn't well so we coslept. It can only have come from him, it was scrunched up so I assume it was in his pocket and came out when he took out his phone etc. He's also very secretive with his phone, doesn't leave it anywhere and has a passcode on it which I don't know.

Am I being paranoid and anxious due to my PND, or are these things that would worry others also? I honestly don't know what to do.

TeddyIsaHe Tue 13-Jun-17 11:52:42

Oh and I cleaned the house top to bottom yesterday, and took all sofa cushions off to plump so I know for a fact it wasn't there yesterday.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 13-Jun-17 11:54:15

I don't believe you are being paranoid.
This all adds up to something.
How can he have slept funny to get scratches on his back.
Does he sleep on a bed of nails.
Secretive with phone is the biggest give away.
Why did he stay in the flat you rented?
Why isn't he with your and his newborn baby?
It stinks to high heaven.

TeddyIsaHe Tue 13-Jun-17 12:20:22

The secrecy with phone is a huge red flag for me, but I've tried to brush it off as my PND causing paranoia. He's never going to tell me if he has, he would want to lose face. How do I find out?

user1486956786 Tue 13-Jun-17 12:30:21

I don't understand how so many people don't know their partners pass codes. So alarming (to me).

hellsbellsmelons Tue 13-Jun-17 12:37:41

How often does he stay at the flat?
I'd be trying to go round there to catch him out.
You could of course just ask to see his phone.
If he refuses then he clearly has something to hide.
Can you do a bit of facebook stalking?
See who his friends are.
See who he seems to be 'liking' a lot. Like her pics etc....
Might give you a clue.
Can you get hold of his phone bill?
Problem with that now though is if he's contacting her through messenger or whatsapp etc... then it won't show anyway.

HarmlessChap Tue 13-Jun-17 13:14:55

I don't understand how so many people don't know their partners pass codes. So alarming (to me).
My DW doesn't know mine and I would be uncomfortable giving her access to my phone. I'm doing nothing wrong but my conversations with my friends are private as are the conversations with my clients.

DW is happy to share her pass code but the contents of her handbag are of utmost privacy if I or one of the DC tries to get something from her handbag even if it is sat on the top then she hits the roof.

We all have our boundaries regarding privacy.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 13-Jun-17 13:19:05

It could go either way really. The sock thing is odd but why would he have it on him? Could it be his?

Why is he living separately? The lease thing doesn't make much sense

Adora10 Tue 13-Jun-17 13:22:08

Scratches on his back would be the one that would make me think he's been up to no good, he slept funny, nah, that makes no sense.

TheStoic Tue 13-Jun-17 13:25:21

My DW doesn't know mine and I would be uncomfortable giving her access to my phone

So you don't trust her not to look through your phone? This is weird to me.

Adora10 Tue 13-Jun-17 13:29:58

If you both trust each other there really is no need to even want to go through each other's phones.

HarmlessChap Tue 13-Jun-17 13:30:21

OP it doesn't sound good TBH especially the rogue clothing discovery.

I agree that scratches from sleeping funny is rubbish, are you currently sleeping together? Could you have scratched him? An ex GF was a scratcher we never noticed while in the throws of passion and the back isn't very sensitive so I never felt them during or after.

You are wise to consider the issues regarding PND before coming to a conclusion my DW had dreadful PND it lead to all sorts of anxiety, mood swings and irrational behaviour. I dreaded coming home of an evening as I never knew what reception awaited me; home did not feel a safe and welcome place. Things may be better now, that was early 2000's, but there was no support or advice for partners on how to cope living with a partner with PND and it was one of the most difficult times of both of our lives. Based on my own experiences I can understand how tempting it would have been if I'd had availability of somewhere else to go.

allisbright Tue 13-Jun-17 13:33:59

I don't understand the logic of him staying in your rented flat round the corner while you and the baby are in the family home. How long has this been the case and when does the lease end?

Teddy6767 Tue 13-Jun-17 13:34:45

A pop sock isn't going to belong to a man. They are female clothing.
If I'm being honest it definitely sounds like he's cheating. Stuff like this makes me so angry - people thinking they can have their cake and eat it and never get caught. It's pathetic behaviour

user1486956786 Tue 13-Jun-17 13:38:42

It's not about having passcode to go through each other's messages, more a practical thing. Take/send a photo, put music on, whatever, it's weird to refuse to tell the person you live with (and mother of your child/children) your phone pass code.

NotTheFordType Tue 13-Jun-17 13:44:06

Why is he living at the flat? Has he claimed he needs a full night's sleep? Presumably you don't... hmm

He's obviously been banging someone, or a variety of someones.

Loopytiles Tue 13-Jun-17 13:44:40


Adora10 Tue 13-Jun-17 13:45:03

No sorry I still don't get the need to look in each other's phones, you can take pics, vids etc on your own phone!

If my partner asked to go through my phone that would indicate to me that he did not trust me, and I'd want to know why!

user1487941567 Tue 13-Jun-17 13:48:49

Adora10 I know my DPs passcode because often apps don't work on mine and I need his. Same with me, he knows my passcode so that if I am driving he can access the phone to make a call for me or update my satnav or any number of reasons. To watch a video I took of the dcs or something.

HarmlessChap Tue 13-Jun-17 13:50:18

So you don't trust her not to look through your phone? This is weird to me.

Whether its weird all depends on circumstances though and its not a question of trust.

My phone is used for both work and social, I frequently have financial details emailed or text to me regarding personal and business clients and they expect privacy. DW works in an environment where confidentiality is important too so she doesn't expect access to my phone and email accounts and doesn't talk about her work other than in general terms.

I also have friends who share things with me in confidence that is not intended to be shared with my DW either.

KinkyAfro Tue 13-Jun-17 13:58:16

DP and i dont have access to each other's phones and i dont want him to. It's none of his business what's on my phone and vice versa

StereophonicallyChallenged Tue 13-Jun-17 14:01:01

I think the biggest red flag of all is him still living apart from you and the baby tbh.

Add in the rest, and at best, he doesn't really want to be with you and in a family with you sad
I would tell him I need time apart (properly - tell him you need time to concentrate on your mh and the baby) and see what happens then. If he immediately steps up, takes baby to help you get rest etc, expresses desire to be together then maybe Id consider giving him a second chance. But I'd wait and see what happens when yo give him the opportunity iyswim.

Cherchez la femme - is that the saying?

Hont1986 Tue 13-Jun-17 14:07:43

Seems more trusting NOT to have/want the passcode. If you do have/want it, that seems like a lack of trust tbh.

SparklyMagpie Tue 13-Jun-17 14:07:57

It doesn't look good does it sad

The back scratches would do it for me, he slept funny? He could have even said he caused them, no couldn't buy it

TheStoic Tue 13-Jun-17 14:09:18

Whether its weird all depends on circumstances though and its not a question of trust.

Well it kind of is, if you need to lock your phone to prevent your wife from looking through it. Can't you just ask her not to?

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