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I'm to blame?

(13 Posts)
chilld Mon 12-Jun-17 22:49:22

Can't say we have ever been happy 100% of the time probably not even 50% but who can really say they have?

Every now and then during arguments DH reminds me that I did all the chasing (20+yrs ago) and that he was easily swayed!!!! So I'm to blame that we are together, which is why we are both miserable now 😭

Now I remember doing most of the work and him enjoying it! A lot, it was all new to me and I was only 16 and him 18, he did cheat on my after 2yrs and he said it was my fault and my fault for staying with him afterwards, I do regret that now but I didn't know how to cope with it all, I can actually see it being all being my fault I pushed myself on him, but can't help feel I've being taken advantage of.

He's resigned to this miserable existence now (he has me where he wants me he's actually said that) and doesn't seem to think he's in any way to blame. I'm suffering badly from anxiety at the moment and trying to pluck up the courage to see the GP about it. I refuse to resign myself to another 20yrs of this misery, just need to find out how. It's affecting me physically and mentally and he doesn't care that obvious, it just hurt after hurt and I get so frustrated. I don't trust him 100% and today he pointed out if he was to really lie to me I'd never know, not sure if that was a threat but he knew that button to press to make me cry. He is so cruel. I just want to be treated with respect but I'm made to feel this was all of my choosing. Nobody would choose to live like this. We have grown up together and this is all Ive ever know.

Dappledsunlight Mon 12-Jun-17 23:02:35

So he's totally a passive agent in all this is he? Was he forced at gunpoint to enter into the relationship? Don't swallow this baloney, OP. You are NOT "to blame". Sounds like he was happy to be chased and is still indulging his ego all these years later at the memory. If he's unhappy he should admit it respectfully instead of heaping blame onto you. You're better than this. Take no truck with such cruel, pathetic nonsense. Go to the GP, tell him/her about your unhappy domestic situation and arrange some counselling. Build up your own mental strength, op, and work towards liberating yourself from this misery. You can do it! X

LuluBellaBlue Mon 12-Jun-17 23:13:41

He sounds incredibly manipulative and cruel. Hugs to you.
Life is too short to spend it living with someone like that, I know it must be scary but surely you'd be happier without him?

BadHatter Tue 13-Jun-17 00:21:40

What's stopping you from leaving him? Fear of the unknown?

Take the plunge. I'm sure it'll be refreshing after the initial shock.

mumoseven Tue 13-Jun-17 06:56:49

My ex used to claim I'd proposed to him so it was all my fault.
' well, you wanted to marry me!'

grobagsforever Tue 13-Jun-17 06:59:13

Do you have DC OP? Your own income?

chilld Tue 13-Jun-17 07:25:07

Gro - 2 children (8&13) I don't have an income and I don't have family or friends to look after my children to allow me to work

Iloveanimals Tue 13-Jun-17 07:31:03

"Yeah, you are right. I have been a mug. Chasing you was a big mistake. But I can fix that." throws him and bags out of door
"Bye" 👋 slams door
Government won't let you starve surely?? flowers

Iloveanimals Tue 13-Jun-17 07:32:00

That by the way, would give him the shock of his life. He doesn't expect you to do anything, he thinks you'll always take it.
You deserve more.

chilld Tue 13-Jun-17 10:50:38

Last night I was treated to the longest sentence he's spoken in a while to me, those 3 special words every girl wants to hear whilst being looked in the eye.

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you.

Can't be sure if it was said 4 times or 5 but I can still hear and see it. Another fantastic memory to add to the others that keep me awake.

grobagsforever Tue 13-Jun-17 11:31:43

OP this is horrifying. I'm so sorry. He is emotionally abusive. You must get out of this relationship. For your sake and that of your children. Do you own your home? Have you full access to his salary ? Check entitledto to see what you can claim as single parent and use online maintenance calculator to check what he'll have to pay.

You can absolutely work. Your 13 year old can manage 9-5 and you could look into after school club or cm for 8 year old. Far better for them then seeing you being abused.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 13-Jun-17 11:38:43

Well isn't he a joy.
I can't begin to imagine what impact all this is having on your poor DC.
They will grow up to abuse or be abused.
Please contact Womens Aid. 0808 2000 247
You need to help getting away.
You can work.
Your children are school age.
Start looking now.
Pub lunchtime cover, restaurants, coffee shops, schools, etc...
Get looking on line now for part time work.
You could even start up your own cleaning business doing the hours you want to do.

But you do NOT have to put up with this abuse.
It's awful. It's dragging you down.
Get this dead weight off of you and you'll be so happy you did.

kittensinmydinner1 Tue 13-Jun-17 11:57:53

Of course you can work OP. ! You seriously need to get a plan going and get away from this abusive fuckwad.

1. Go see the GP about help with anxiety - this may be medication or talking therapy, although I am no doctor I think shifting this dipstick from your life will improve your anxiety to almost unrecognisable degrees.

2. See a solicitor. If you are married then you are in a good position. Half the house at least (if owned) is yours.
There are some solicitors that do free half hours - but even if you can't find one, it's worth paying to find out where you stand. Even if you are not married you can still make a claim for housing under the children's act.. you need ACTUAL ACCURATE information for your particular circumstances.

2 find a job. No reason to be at home with children of 8 & 13. Not only will you gain improved self esteem. It will enable you to claim tax credits /universal credit and be financially independent of this twat. You need to work a minimum of 16 hrs. Which might fit around school. If not get a cm for the 8 yr old and claim the cost back via tax credits.

3. Stop thinking you can't do stuff . You can. ! I have worked full time since eldest (now 22) was 9 months old. I had 6 months off for number 2 and same for number 3. No grandparents to help or other relatives . (Divorced when they were 11/9/4 ) worked 9-5 5 days a week with a childminder doing the after schools/little one. . It's not easy but it's a darn site easier than living in an abusive relationship. It's also the ONLY way for the children to be. To stay in an abusive home would have meant me being equally neglectful of their welfare.

You can do it. Just takes a first step.

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