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Is it just me?

(20 Posts)
sparkleandsunshine Mon 12-Jun-17 22:38:16

I have serious self esteem issues. I had my first baby nearly 5 months ago, I'm obese. I started going to SW when my girl was 1 month old and so far have lost 2 stone. This is helping.
I'm due to get married to my bf next year, we've been together 10 years. He is a good partner in most respects. He earns a lot more than me, and pays the majority of the bills, he also cooks most evenings (he enjoys it) and does half all the chores. Things are not unfair to me at all. We've just bought a new house. We've lived together for 6 years.
But he doesn't like to reassure me about myself when I'm low, he says that when I'm low and quiet I am really just fishing for compliments. That I don't need reassurance of anything, i just want attention.
It breaks my heart because I'm feeling really down whilst on mat leave and constantly questioning myself about whether I'm doing the right things for our girl. I do want that reassurance from him, when I look back at the situation I know that is what I wanted. But when I'm actually low I just want to call up in a ball and cry.
It doesn't happen that often any more. I was on antidepressants a few years ago and had councilling and felt much better. Now it's only maybe twice a month I get down. But when I do it's so bad I can't stop myself crying.

Tonight we had a row because he ignored me. He does this every now and then. When he says he didn't have anything to say back, he just blanks me and doesn't even acknowledge I spoke. Tonight it was like 9.30. Baby girl was wide awake no sign of sleeping. It's a warm muggy night, I suggested we go for a little walk around the block to help her get off to sleep (it always works a charm). He blanks me. So I ask again. He blanks me. So I pick up a ball of wool (I'm crocheting) and chuck it at him and it bounces off his shoulder. He ignores me. So I chuck a blanket at him.

To that I get a response of "that hit me really hard you could have taken my eye out". It was a soft blanket and it didn't so much as hit him as land on him.

I told him he shouldn't ignore me. And he said he had nothing to say. So I said I was looking for a yes or no as to going for a walk.

He said he wanted to go to bed. ALL HE NEEDED TO SAY WAS THAT!!!!!! WHY BLANK ME??????

Got me really frustrated. I'm feeling really low. I tried to tell him that and he just brushed it off. He has always had this opinion that if you're not physically hurt then you're not hurt. He doesn't think he has any reason to apologise for blanking me.

We didn't go for a walk. He's feeding our girl her last bottle of the day (he always does bedtime) and I'm sat on the loo crying. But quietly, because if he hears me he'll start saying I'm just doing it for attention.

He doesn't like it went I "chat shit" at him. By chatting shit he means all the chit chat where I just talk to him. He says there's no point to it, and he's right, but now I feel like I can't talk to him at all.

I'm really stressing because tomorrow I have to go to the breast care clinic at our local hospital. I've got a lump and it's worrying me because my mum had aggressive breast cancer at 46. He's been great about it. He's taking the day off work and coming with me. But now I don't feel like I can go and tell him about how it's stressing me out because I'm worried he'll think I'm talking about it for attention. I haven't slept well for so long because I keep thinking about it and Worst case scenario and not being their for our girl.

I just really want to talk to someone

sparkleandsunshine Mon 12-Jun-17 22:39:13

Totally forgot what I'd put my title as by the time I finished posting, what I want to know is, is this all just me being stupid. Am I in the wrong? I'm just feeling a bit pathetic

Threecherries Mon 12-Jun-17 23:24:46

I know you've said he ticks the boxes regarding doing his share of the practical stuff but not only is he not giving you any emotional support, he's actually making you feel worse for having any feelings at all.

Love, I lived with someone for 14 years who didn't support me emotionally. If you are a resilient sort of person, it might not be so bad, but over the years the sniping and ignoring grind you down until you are too afraid to even have a feeling, let alone express it.

Get through your appointment tomorrow - and I do hope it goes ok - and then have a serious think about whether or not this man is partly a cause of your depression. He's not helping, that's for sure.

Has he supported you or complimented you on your weight loss?

You sound lovely btw and he sounds like a real misery flowers

BadHatter Tue 13-Jun-17 00:15:55

You mentioned you get into these self pitying dunks about twice a month now that you've gone to therapy. That's still a lot. I'm guessing it was much more often pre therapy.

Look, what you do is unattractive to men. Most guys expect their partners to go through these dunks a few times per year. But to be down constantly wears and grates on us so hard. Emotionally, we get colder because really, it's unattractive and there's only so much of that we can take. You got to give your partner some breathing room and take care of yourself to be honest.

He's been your emotional rock. You've eroded him and now his patience/attention for you is the size of a pebble.

My advice to you as a guy is to keep your negative, self deprecating thoughts to yourself MOST of the time. Give him a much needed break, seriously. Negativity breeds negativity.

Keep seeing your therapist. Pour you heart out to friends when you're down.

It'll be hard because he's the one you want to talk to, but think of his mental health and be cognizant of the fact that he's only human too. He can only take so much.

You'll be a great mom. Build a network of people you can talk about your fears with.

user1486956786 Tue 13-Jun-17 04:38:50

I strongly agree with the above post. I think he's probably lost his patience and is struggling to hold his thoughts back anymore which is understandable to a certain level.

Perhaps he is just a person who needs quiet time as his down time? I agree he should answer your question not play games.

I'm assuming you are home alone most of the day, and probably desperate to chat at night whereas he's at work all day and desperate for some quiet time? It isn't personal.

Do you have many new mum friends to see and chat to during the day? People who can understand and relate to how you feel with all the new changes.

Aside from not being very clear with his communication, from what you've said, he sounds a decent man, husband and father.

Well done on 2 stone weight loss! You sound like you are doing great job xx

sofato5miles Tue 13-Jun-17 04:52:27

Interesting post, for the first half I did wonder if your neediness had pushed him away and felt a bit sorry for him, then I read the bit that he wilfully ignored you repeatedly. That is a very passive aggressive way of telling you that he just isn't interested and is a very shitty thing to do.

Crying in the loo won't help. You need more counselling and pronto before you erode everything. Your need for constant reassurance is a bit self indulgent and you need to work on being stronger. None of us knew what we were doing with firstborns.

Find a mother's group, ask your questions on here, then you won't feel so alone.

Rockhopper81 Tue 13-Jun-17 04:57:02

Well, aren't the precious two posters peaches. Imagine, wanting your partner to provide emotional support when you're struggling...how dare the OP...but don't say or do anything which might make you unattractive to him, because keeping him happy and attracted at all times is key, right? And you must always think of his mental health above your own. Jeez...

The woman had a baby 5 months ago, for goodness sake, she's allowed to be feeling a bit more emotional and need a bit more emotional support at the moment.

OP, for what it's worth, I don't think there's really any excuse for just ignoring someone who is taking directly to you, especially when that person is your partner, it's just rude.

OP - can you access some support for your low mood and self-esteem difficulties?

Is there any way you can tell your partner directly how much it bothers you that he doesn't provide emotional support to you?

Hope all goes well today at your appointment and congratulations on your weight loss - you're doing amazingly! smile

Rockhopper81 Tue 13-Jun-17 04:58:54

Not sofato5miles, sorry, although having low self-esteem isn't indulgent in itself, it's a genuinely hard place to be in. I agree accessing some support for this would probably be beneficial.

rizlett Tue 13-Jun-17 05:00:02

If he did reassure you when you were low - would that magically change everything and make you feel better?

Sometimes we are low and it's just a pattern that we go through and nothing much changes that - it's just a pattern. We know it won't be permanent because we have leant the pattern. We just need to tell ourselves the low feelings are temporary and ignore them. (like he is already doing!) Save some nice things to do when you are low. Be kind to yourself with your thoughts so the 'low' doesnt last as long.

Be honest - are you wallowing a bit in your low moments? Take responsibility for yourself. No one else is responsible for how you feel other than you. You're a big girl now and need to set an example for your daughter.

PhoenixJasmine Tue 13-Jun-17 05:57:00

OP - I strongly disagree with BadHatter - especially the reasoning that your 'behaviour is unattractive to men'! Fuck right off speaking on behalf of All The Men for a start, because plenty of men don't think like you. And secondly it is not a woman's prime directive to seek approval for how attractive she is at all times. In any case, I can tell you that at least to this woman, a man belittling his partner for daring to have feelings or want to talk about stuff and reaching out for emotional support is deeply unattractive.

OP - you had a baby 5 months ago, and you've lost 2 stone in 4 months - that's amazing! Absolutely incredible. It's no surprise at all to feel emotional with a new baby, especially if you have a history of problems with low mood as well. And going through a cancer scare as well - I'm so sorry you're having a bit of a shit time of it all at the moment.

I agree with you that there is absolutely no excuse for him blanking you like that - for starters it is just SO BLOODY RUDE. I always think, if it would be unacceptable to treat a colleague that way, then generally it is not likely to be acceptable to treat a partner that way either. That does kinda go for throwing stuff at him as well - I understand your frustration, but it didn't really seek to resolve the situation rather antagonise it.

If he would also ignore a colleague because he didn't have anything to say to them, then he's just a massive bellend and I can't see the point of being in a relationship with him, to be honest. Life is too short to voluntarily spend much time with bellends. If he is also struggling at the moment and needs quiet time alone to unwind, he needs to communicate that to you in an adult and non-condescending manner so that you can support him with it - not attempt to control your behaviour with his passive aggressive blanking and belittling comments. Which is effectively emotional abuse.

I would suggest you seek support elsewhere at the moment, real life and online - speak to your GP or HV, would counselling or meds help you with low mood again at this point, are there any new-mum or postnatal depression support groups in the area?

When you feel a little calmer and stronger, find a way to communicate your thoughts on this to your partner (when you say/act like X then I feel that Y) - it sounds like communication between the two of you isn't great and you are therefore not able to effectively support each other. Either that or as I said, he might just be a massive bellend.

Good luck at the clinic appointment today flowers

sparkleandsunshine Tue 13-Jun-17 06:22:24

Thanks everyone
Threecherries he is really supportive with my weight loss. We've turned all our food SW friendly and he has stopped buying crisps and chocolate for himself because he knows I can't resist. Even though he doesn't need to loose any weight. He tells me all the time how well I'm doing and if I don't loose weight one week he's the first to say "but look how well you've done so far! Don't beat yourself up about a week you can't go back and change!"

BadHatter He has never had much patience 😂 But I do totally agree that I have probably worn him down over the years and left him with a lot less than what he had to start with.

user after I came out of the loo we went to bed and he did talk to me then. He said (and he has said it a couple of times before) that he just wants to chill out when he gets in from work and not think about anything. He just wants some time with no conversation. He did apologise for ignoring me too. He is a lovely man other than with this we don't really have any issues, and he is an amazing father.

sofato5miles I know I'm being self indulgent. Now I've slept on it I realise that. Last night I was in such a faff I definitely wouldn't have seen that. Joined mummy social a few days ago, hoping to find some mummy friends 👍🏼

rockhopper81 we had a chat and he did apologise for ignoring me. Though he did follow it up with "but..." and he has apologised for ignoring many times before and it always happens again. We'll see. He doesn't really get the emotional support thing. He always says "actions speak louder than words" and he is right, but sometimes I need words too.
I can't get any more counselling. I did ask about it at recent GP appointment, the program I was on before was only 6 sessions and that was all that could be funded. But now there isn't a program or any funding for it in my area. Enquiries with the councillor what it would be to go private. £40 for a 1 hour session, there's no way we could afford it. When I had that chat with the GP he just offered me back my anti-depressants but I don't feel like that's what I need. When I was on them before it was because I was constantly low, couldn't get through a day without feeling numb or tearful or hopeless. It's definitely not like that now. Thanks, so scared for today, I'm sure it'll be fine, but if I think about it too much I scare myself shitless.

rizlett I know if he reassured me it wouldn't fix all my problems. But the odd time he has done it, it completely changes my mood in seconds. I know it's stupid but I feel like when he tells me he loves me and thinks I'm doing things right then I can do anything. And I know that's bad. That you should feel strong on your own, but I'm not strong and I just feel like when he's behind me I am.
Thanks for the advice on being low and dealing with it, I think if I saved nice things for when I'm low it would help. Right now when I'm low I just sit there feeling bored and crap. Distraction would be good. My problem isn't when he ignores my lows. He does that most times and I know that he's just trying to ride over it until I come out the other side cheerier again. My issue is him ignoring me when I try to talk to him. Like if I chat to him about my day or ask him about his (he likes to leave work at work so won't chat about that) or like last night when I just asked if he wanted to go for a walk. I hate it when he just pretends like I'm not there. But I take on board what other people have said about wearing him down. It's been 10 years. I'm probably just lucky he hasn't run away screaming.

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling much better now. In fact I felt much better as soon as I posted. Total weight off.

Got up at 5 to put babies dummy back in and now can't sleep tho, head turning over an over about this breast screening.

LuluBellaBlue Tue 13-Jun-17 06:47:44

Regarding counselling perhaps contact your local MIND charity (they should have a telephone support line) and ask what else there is in your area?
I've had support from various sources including charities.
Good luck with the screening today flowers

rizlett Tue 13-Jun-17 06:50:38

In fact I felt much better as soon as I posted. Total weight off.

So as soon as you identified the problem and wrote about it - the feelings passed. You found a great way of dealing with it - without needing him to sort it for you.

I know we want men to be everything to us but sometimes we expect too much - he sounds like a lovely man - he just needs some time not talking and maybe him not talking happens at exactly the same time when you really really want to.

My dp is also like this - he's just not all that interested in talking - but everything else is so good I have learnt other ways to deal with it. In fact because he is like he is I have so many ways to look after myself instead of expecting him to do it and honestly when I can do it myself rather than rely on him to do it - well, that makes me so much stronger.

When you are low its often your inner voice that goes on and on at you saying you are crap and you just need someone else to tell you that you are doing fine and all will be well - but if you learn to stop listening to the inner crappity voice and even better change it to an inner supportive voice (just as you would with a friend) you become invincible.

Whether you choose to worry or whether you choose not to worry - the outcome will be the same. Worry is a way our minds keep us occupied on the negative.

Keep on letting go of the worry, keep on focussing on something else, on the good - because you are amazing.

And if you ask if he wants to go for a walk and he ignores you - just go with your dc - rather than getting annoyed - change your behaviour - next time he might just surprise you!

user1486956786 Tue 13-Jun-17 10:30:33

Glad you feel better today. Hope the screen goes okay. Glad he will fe by your side. Xxx

HildaOg Tue 13-Jun-17 10:43:08

Congratulations on your weight loss and it's good to hear he's supporting that. I think he's ignoring you because you're not giving him any space and he can't cope with you so he shuts down because he's overwhelmed.

You need to have other people to chat to, then you're not drowning him in it when he gets home. That's too much for one person.

Adora10 Tue 13-Jun-17 12:14:02

So you have a baby five months ago and he's giving you zero emotional support and ignores you, nah sorry this is not a good partner; he should be understanding and ignoring you is just plain bloody rude, no wonder you are upset.

Fishing for compliments - nah, that's him being a cunt OP, no need for that, he should have your back and help you, not criticise you. He has you so upset you are scared to chat to him about a lump in your breast, just no OP, not fair, or right!

Adora10 Tue 13-Jun-17 13:08:07

Yeah next time you try talking to him for half an hour and he continues to ignore you, put your big girl pants on and deal with it, in fact, talk to anyone else, go online, or even change your behaviour.

I can't believe some of these replies, talk about condescending.

Being lonely in a relationship is not normal OP, esp after giving birth 5 months ago, it's not you, it's actually all him.

Adora10 Tue 13-Jun-17 13:18:11

It's been 10 years. I'm probably just lucky he hasn't run away screaming.

Why, because you are supposed to accept him ignoring you most of the time?

sofato5miles Thu 15-Jun-17 22:47:10

Adia, tell us your sitch

sofato5miles Thu 15-Jun-17 22:47:20

Adora

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