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I hate my mother in law

(11 Posts)
zubizou87 Mon 12-Jun-17 16:54:12

I'm having a crisis in my relationship, I absolutely hate my mother in law so much it's affecting my life and me and my dp's future.
I never really liked her to begin with, just to put things in context I'm a very polite person and was very accommodating when I first met her, I really made an effort with first impressions, even though I felt, if I'm honest, there was something not quite right about her. I just had a gut feeling that I ignored, I don't think I really liked her from the beginning, I just did my best to be agreeable.

About five months ago I had a very early miscarriage, only five weeks but it was my first ever pregnancy so it felt kind of special, although I know miscarriages are common, it felt especially sad. I've been grieving my pregnancy as though I lost a person. I tried to be proactive and found a great councillor who taught me different techniques for coping, that has really helped.
So my 'bad feeling' about mil came to fruition during the phone call when we announced our pregnancy. Granted it was an unplanned surprise but she seemed annoyed like we were a couple of irresponsible teenagers who got knocked up (we are both in our late twenties.) She then proceeded to talk in this very enthusiastic, almost sing songy way about me having an abortion, that I wasn't that far along and I quote "it would just be a little bit of suction."
My dp was surprisingly defensive about his mummy, saying she was just a career woman and wanted me to feel like I was pro choice but I knew what his mil meant, she doesn't like me being with her son and us having a child together would mean our relationship would be cemented.
A week later I miscarried and when dp telephoned his mum she had that creepy sing songy voice "oh never mind." I feel like my relationship is breaking, under the strain of my greif and under the strain of a partner attached to mummy's apron strings and how much I loathe her. I know that part of the greiving process is anger and I'm directing it at her but I thought she was bad news before and now I just don't want to have a relationship with her at all. She's a horrible narcissist who wants her adult children to look after her. She thinks I'm too much and wants her son to date someone who wont take too much focus away from her.

I feel so sad about the miscarriage but I also feel sad because I might lose my relationship. It's painful being with someone for so long they feel like a husband only to discover he is earmarked to be his mother's flunky for the rest of her life. I once went for a walk with mil and dp and dp was literally holding an umbrella over his mother's head while she walked beside him.

Bubblegumfan Mon 12-Jun-17 16:59:36

Is he supportive of you generally?
So sorry about your miscarriageflowers it sounds like a bit of a no win situation.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 12-Jun-17 17:04:33

Think very carefully about your relationship long-term with DH
She will always be there and he will always prioritise her.
This is your life from now on.

NotYoda Mon 12-Jun-17 17:09:31

I am so sorry about your miscarriage

I absolutely think that this crisis is not altering your perception - it's revealing all that is wrong

I agree with hellsbells

Wilde003 Mon 12-Jun-17 17:24:32

Sorry about the miscarriage

I ended with a mummy boy who forced me to terminate, told me he was too old to be a dad at 46. Had an important issue to discuss but mummy wanted something picked up from Sainsbury's, he practically ran there

Ended it, too much drama, mummy hated me

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 12-Jun-17 17:43:43

I was sorry to read about your miscarriage. BTW The Miscarriage Association are also good at providing support as and when needed too.

I also agree with hellsbells here.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist, your mistake here initially was to ignore that gut feeling you had.

I would reconsider your own future now with your partner because like many now adult children of narcissists he has been well trained to put his narcissistic parent, in this case his mother, first. This is indeed your life as well as your children's going forward; they will become MILs narcissistic supply. Any children you bring into your relationship will need to stay away from MIL. It will always be thus as well unless he himself wises up and realise that his primary loyalty is to you and not she. This is unlikely to happen though because of her conditioning. His own inertia re his mother is also hurting you as well as he.

You do not mention FIL; is he around at all?

DartmoorDoughnut Mon 12-Jun-17 17:47:09

Run whilst you're still young enough to start over

Really sorry about your miscarriage sad

maddogs33 Mon 12-Jun-17 17:55:10

I am so sorry for your loss and I completely understand your feelings towards your MIL. My DP and his MIL have a similar sort of relationship and I struggle with feeling a huge amount of resentment towards her, my DP always puts her first and she treats me like a second class citizen. (for instance we have never spent a Christmas together in 8 years because he always goes home, its got to the point where I would rather spend Christmas without him, than with her).

Do think twice before you throw away a relationship with a man you love just because of his mother. How much contact do you have with her on a daily basis?

I know it really hurts to not be put first by your DP but is it possible you are projecting a lot of your grief onto you MIL because you are upset she was cruel about the miscarriage, and you are upset DP isn't providing you with the support you had hoped for getting through this miscarriage? Its easier to project that disappointment on your MIL than your DP.

I think 5 months post miscarriage you really need to get some external help and perspective because you are really not helping yourself or your relationship with your DP by internalising all this grief/hate/negativity and projecting this all onto your MIL. Can you turn to your family for support?

I would also minimise contact with MIL going forward, I now only see mine once every 3-4 months max, she is not part of my life, I have no contact with her outside the occasional times we see her and I won't waste my time or brain space on her. Finally (and the bit I cling onto) remind yourself that she won't be here forever and the grief will get easier.

MsPavlichenko Mon 12-Jun-17 17:59:01

I'm sorry for your loss. I think I hate your MIL too. I hope you are able to take on board some of the advice above.

SPenfj Mon 12-Jun-17 18:03:50

I hated my xmil and never let it show until a day before I left her son. Please think about whether your partner is supportive enough. Apart from the fact that he's conflicted is he supportive to you, are you in 'it' together. Take her out of the equation and focus on that for a while.
Later if you decide he's worth it, think rationally about the things in your life that she actually has the power to influence. Write it down. Write down what you want to do. Can she change that? Will she try? How do you plan to react when she sneers/jollies/jokes. Can you say it calmly and leave it there.

SPenfj Mon 12-Jun-17 18:04:55

maddogs not one christmas together in 8 years?! wow.

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