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This i really didn't expect, it feels like a nightmare

(8 Posts)
Majorconfusion Mon 12-Jun-17 09:02:50

Hi everyone,
First time post, lurked a lot and was hoping I would never have to ask for advice and help for myself but here I am. I was suspectng for a loooong time my kids and I were subjected to EA but never could be 100% certain as I'm not an easy person to live with either. I thought H had some anger issues and short fuse. I almost left, twice, he seeked help, things have calmed down a bit - or we stopped reacting, or he mellowed, i don't know. But after a particularly bad last year I started to read up on the subject, mostly on here. Still wasn't convinced and was putting a lot down to my own head issues, was thinking I'm seeing things which might not be there - I was diagnosed with depression last year (I think it was due to tragic events technically unrelated to my H & I relationships but which would definitely contributed to tensions). I was getting much better recently, but I was still suspectng something was looking a lot like what i read about. Anyway, we had a row this w/e and these are always the same: he's 'lettng me to get on with stuff', for months on end until I'm exhausted, asking him for help is pointless as he either makes a big deal out of everything, does it lazily just to shut me up or I end up nagging, so i eventually blow up and he then retorts with how everything is always his fault cue the endless stupid rows about who does what and how much/often which is, frankly, pathetic for a couple close to their 50s birthdays (close from different sides though). The same script, the same issues, then he calms down, apologises and promises to be more involved. He lasts a week, then skips this or that, I pick up (I know I shouldn't but I can't leave a pet starving for example; or if DD needs something he promised and hadn't done on time; or we have ppl coming and last moment he decides we can do without something on the table which he delayed buying as he 'can just nip to a shop at the last minute' but now he no longer wants to nip to a shop 5 min walk away etc). I then end up carrying on with more and more tasks, exhaust myself, blow up and then rinse and repeat for a decade or two. It all seem such minor things but there's a lot of them so they take their tall yet they seem to be pathetic reasons for throwing in the towel. We row, he promises, we make up and the life goes on. Resentment grows, of course, but i never have expected it would all come undone like it just did. I already was at the end of this 'cycle' when i can take no more of his laziness or sabotage, then DD wanted me to do something on top of a lot of other small things she got my involvement with during the day, all totally out of the blue and i felt tired. So i said why doesn't daddy look into this one for you. To which she said 'oh, he doesnt care, you know him'. And I snapped. Told her she should think of her exams atm tbh, she stormed off in tears, H later came downstairs to ask what happened earlier and upon hearing the info and without saying another word left to play on his computer. Admittedly i was very upset and shouted to H something like thanks for your support and clear priorities. Then talked to DD, we made up after a while and all was good. H played on computer well into the morning, didn't get up until 11 am next day of course (this is every day occurence) and our usual raw ensued as its been going on like this for about 6 weeks since last bout of promises etc.Then i heard him talking to DD but couldn't hear what was said, then, after months of his 'going to potter in the garden tomorrow' he suddenly goes and does it - together with DD - he only does such stuff with her when we row, and then they cooked together - this has never happened before, ever, then i was fishing out in the laundry basket for my clothes, as was not going to sort everyone's stuff again myself and he suddenly demanded me to answer what I'm doing and why and what am i planning so i told him its none of his business and I'm not going to answer this. So he started to scream that im not depressed at all but am in fact angry. So, I said it looks like he thinks that anger is reserved in our family as his privilege only - and he just erupted, omg, it was actually scary. Scary because although i got used to his 'rhaaaaas' and am quite immune to them now, to see and hear what he was doing this time, word for word, sentence after sentence, action after action, all the traits of an abuser - gaslighting, teasing, winding up, evading the questions, changing topic, weering off on irrelevant, stonewalling, you name it, everything by the book. 'ooh, look at you, you're angry', ha ha, you are, you're behaving like a child, why did you just swear at me, what makes you so raging, you're pathetic, etc etc. So, I found nothing better to say or do and just slapped his cheek for this and he then grabbed me by the collar and pinned to the wall. I said im through with him, if he will try to enter the bedroom tonight ill call police - that cooled him off a bit (this never happened before either and it's usually me on the sofa) and I went to talk to DD as tbh wanted to just grab her and leave. And then the most awful, horrible horrible thing happened: she was totally calm, almost smiling, and told me she wants to stay with him!!! Sorry mum, don't want to get involved in this, daddy knows how to ask questions so I talk to him, but I feel like you don't care about me as much. My little sweet baby, omg, what has he done to her?!!! The amount of time we spent together, the number of situations when i was protectng her from his rage, im watching with her her tv programmes, borrow her makeup and she borrows my clothes, we're friends, a team, we were solid only just yesterday, what happened to her? When? Is it my punishment for not leaving him sooner? Or for wanting to leave now? Or for not being like him to her? Or for being too soft? What do I do now? I can't leave her, not in a million years and definitely not with him on her own. Does it mean im now stuck with him, until she's at least 18 and, hopefully, moves out to uni? For the info to avoid dripfeed: DS is an adult, still at home but works, DD is 15, so gcses atm. The issues were the standard things: never there when we need him, mostly small things but were a few major letdowns on his behalf (think cancel holiday & hospital visit but hangover daddy who couldn't even arrange a cab for the very ill who couldn't stand up) layins every morning unless early work call, I work too but am up to see the kids off to work/school (this is what most parents do, right? Or am i a freak?), feed all the pets, clean the kitchen then get ready for work myself. Whatever's planned by him is always 'tomorrow' and then mostly never. He works from home, his take-home earnings are c. £1k more than mine. I do gym after work, so to reduce the number of days as he didn't like me doing it every day im doing double sessions now in just 2 evenings but that means im home 8 & 9 pm and am shattered on those two days. I need gym to keep on top of depression and weight as also got a hormone deficiency. My work requires overtime v often too though. Im then home at 7-ish. He used to work away Mon-Fri for 5 or so years when kids were younger, so i did my fair share too I think and was working F/t all the way since the DD was 3 yo. His layins he says are in exchange for my gym. We cook roughly equal number of times a week since c. 3 months ago after me literally pleading for help due to depression and, after a lot of arguments, he agreed. Before that 90% cooking was on me. He helps with laundry but doesn't check lables or unfolds for the dryer, doesn't sort when folding and usually doesn't put it away so its all muddled up together. Im just grateful for any help, so keep quiet. DS does the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen sometimes. But he's barely home. Cleaner comes to do dusting/hoovering/bathroom fortnightly. I am to keep track of all school and clubs events/trips/most payments (joint account but someone has to check, remember and to actually do them all). DDs friendships/school issues/makeup/clothes/shampoos and numerous creams obvs discussed/researched with me and often trips to town to get these at w/e, H chills at home while we do that. Her friends sleepovers at ours - of course me as well. Our social life is on me too. He doesn't particularly enjoy any of my friends , not that i have many left tbh (nor does he do anything to see his own mates unless they organise and let him know but he doesn't even always reply) so is never involved in any entertainment at our home until we actually sit down to eat. When out with (again, mostly my) friends - i have to tell him where & when and maybe he would join us sometimes. He doesn't mind me going on occasional Fri drinks out with work but when we argue its inevitably brought up as 'every night in a pub'... We don't go out as a family or just the 2 of us. I don't drive (long story but not without his 'help') so weekly shop together, as quickly as possible, preferably in 20 min (his words and not joking - hes done it before). Ferrying DD once in a while as she can now use buses and its a pain to ask him anyway is on him obvs as i have anxiety with driving. Bills are all paid automatically, he does meter readings when those are due. Not sure what else might be relevant, please feel free to ask, my head spins, so sorry it's got so long. What do I do with my DD, please?

bluebell34567 Mon 12-Jun-17 09:26:22

how old is your dd? how can she change so quickly? did he bribe her?
your relationship with H became toxic.
if you both want to save it I think you should go to relate.
but there is some violence occurred (you shouldn't slap and he shouldn't push you)and I am not sure, it can escalate more.
other than slapping I don't see you doing anything wrong, he is in the wrong.
u cant continue like this, either go to relate or separate.
good luck.

Majorconfusion Mon 12-Jun-17 10:33:25

Thank you so much for your reply and advice, bluebell. She's 15. Yes this is what hurts and puzzles me so much - why so quick and why at all? I really really wouldn't want to think she could sell our bond with her - to him especially, of all ppl. I know i shouldn't have slapped him, and i don't do it, he finally got me to do what he wanted me to do and i feel such a fool for this and a mug for the situation with DD. I personally don't want to be anywhere near him, not right now anyway but i have no problems with Relate or other help if shown that he really really means/wants it - so far it was all talk and no walk, so i don't trust him anymore and don't hold my breath for any epiphanies in his brains either, so doubt it will happen. How do we separate, he won't leave, and I won't leave my DD behind.

bluebell34567 Mon 12-Jun-17 15:12:03

maybe you could contact women's aid and get some advice from them?
they have very good advisers and support -emotionally and financially.
separation is difficult and involves many things, at the top priority of course you don't want to separate with your dd.
try to spend more time with dd, speak to her and find out how she changed like that.
I hope everything will be fine.

Rescuepuppydaft2 Wed 14-Jun-17 13:42:32

Sorry, I have Irlen and the solid text with no paragraphs was hurting my eyes, so I couldn't read to the end. I read up to the bit where your daughter had no reaction to her Fathers behaviour and said she would rather stay with you.

To be honest, she sounds very angry, she broached her Fathers behaviour with you and you shouted at her. Yes you made up. But then her Dad made the effort to do things with her, she has spent the last few days bonding with her Dad whilst you and he have been snapping at each other. My cousins grew up in a house where that dynamic existed between their parents. During the weeks I stayed with my Aunt (because my Mum was sick), I felt this anxious ball constantly in my stomach, wondering whether there would be snide remarks or if my Uncle would be nasty to either my Aunt or my cousins (or at times me). A day after my Aunt retired, my useless Uncle left her for another women. Only one of my cousins supported her, the other fell out with all of my Aunts side as she was so overprotective about her Father (She is almost 40). I haven't spoken to her since. She blames her Mum for everything, all of the fights, all of her Fathers lashing out and nastiness. My older cousin refuses to have anything to do with her Dad. But then he was as abusive to her as he was to my Aunt.

Have you ever tried to talk to your daughter about your husband and the way he behaves? Do you often shout at her if she makes a negative comment about her Dad? If you do, is this frustration at your husband or is it too close to the truth and uncomfortable? Tbh I don't think your daughter deserved to be shouted at!

I second phoning woman's aid, you had no right to slap him but he was abusive in pinning you up to the wall. Is it all one sided as in your dh shouting at you? Or could it sound like you goad each other? I'm asking because you need to put yourself in your daughters shoes. It is not easy to do, but ask yourself what does she hear. Do you spend a good amount of time digging your h up for what he hasn't done, only for him to snap and shout at you? Or does he wait until she is not in ear shot to gaslight and abuse you? It could be that all she is hearing is you getting on at her Dad and she may just have had enough. Especially if he is manipulative enough to make it look like he is the innocent party....

I would definitely be trying to concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with your daughter. Try not to say anything negative to her about her Dad, concentrate on building bonds with your daughter. If you are being the grown up (not saying anything bad about her Dad) and he is constantly bad mouthing you, then she will soon tire of his negativity. Children hurt when one of their parents are bad mouthed, they cash feel like they themselves have been bad mouthed.

Rescuepuppydaft2 Wed 14-Jun-17 13:45:30

Can not cash!

noenemee Wed 14-Jun-17 16:53:43

I'm sorry but I found it hard to keep focus because of the single very long paragraph and all the minutiae of the problems in your and your H's relationship. Focus less on who pays bills and who reads the meter and work out if you need marriage guidance counselling, Women's Aid, separation and divorce advice and/or family therapy. This will be driven by what you want your future to hold.

It wasn't acceptable to strike him regardless of the issues, but his reaction to that was extreme. You can't put yourself at that kind of risk.

So you have two separate things to deal with now. What are you going to do about your marriage, are you going to end it? In addition you have to nurture your relationship with your daughter. Bear in mind that she's been picking up on the domestic strife and She's 15 It's an age when the parent/child relationship can come under great strain in the calmest of homes. She doesn't need all this conflict, especially at a stressful time in her education. Keep this at the forefront of your mind at all times.

ElspethFlashman Wed 14-Jun-17 17:06:59

You say you're not an easy person to live with. Clearly he isn't an easy person to live with either.

For HER.

So she's living in a house with two people who aren't easy to live with. Hobson's choice, really. But equally clearly he has a way of talking to her that she finds useful. It could be that simple - she's 15.

But living between the two of you rowing is obviously a shit environment for her and that's why she was calm at the thought of you two splitting up. It would likely be a relief to her.

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