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exP told by police on Tuesday last week not to contact me, is trying to contact me.

(43 Posts)
Roundles Sun 11-Jun-17 21:23:07

What if anything do I do? Low key messaging, three texts. Not threatening or aggressive. Police explained clearly to him not to contact me. House is secure with changed locks, do I do anything about the messages? (obviously replying is not an option). Contact police seems overkill, but reason police were called were mental health concerns which then raised past instances of his violent behaviour. Without me pressing charges or him accepting mental heath support the situation seems to be in limbo. I want to move on with my life, after several years of hell. He admits to the violence but because it was a long time ago ( we ended the relationship over a year ago) doesn't seem to think it should be a problem. He has not apologised. He thinks I have been unkind to him by breaking up with him. He refused to return my keys and remained a controlling force in my life until police became involved (I did not call the police, a concerned friend of his did) I can not let him back in my life but what, if anything do I do about the contact attemps?

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Jun-17 21:24:36

Sorry, I think you need to tell the police. They will have a word with him - if you have a word with him you will set yourself back years.

MagentaRocks Sun 11-Jun-17 21:26:36

You need to contact the police. If he is already contacting you after being warned it needs to be taken further.

Roundles Sun 11-Jun-17 21:27:40

Don't worry, I would not even consider speaking to him myself. I just worry if notifying the police a bit over dramatic. Would I 101 it? Call an officer I dealt with last week? They might not be on shift. I don't know what's correct to do.

Roundles Sun 11-Jun-17 21:28:57

I assume I don't call 999 for example.

NellieFiveBellies Sun 11-Jun-17 21:30:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 11-Jun-17 21:30:54

For every little thing he thinks he has got away with he will up his game.
Report every time.
Or you are giving him power over you.

TheMysteriousJackelope Sun 11-Jun-17 21:31:19

Call the officer you dealt with last week and let him/her know that your ex is still trying to contact you. That officer is the one who knows your situation and may have had prior contact with your ex. If they are not the one to talk to, they will let you know. Ask if there are any anti-stalking laws that can be used to dissuade him.

Can you contact a solicitor about getting a restraining order? Or is one already in place? That probably won't stop your ex if he is mentally ill and incapable of not controlling himself about contacting you, but it might give you additional legal recourse if he ignores it.

NettleTea Sun 11-Jun-17 21:31:26

you do need to report it because if it DOES escalate and you have allowed him to text you unchallenged, then it doesnt look good on you.

He needs to know that No means No

MaisyPops Sun 11-Jun-17 21:33:27

Report each thing on the non emergency number or directly to the station who dealt with it before.

You need to keep a log so there's a big picture being built. He's just trying to see how far he can push it

Roundles Sun 11-Jun-17 21:34:18

Thank you. Can anyone advise when I call the station, what's the clearest way to explain the situation. Do I say - this is regarding NAME who was visited by officers last week where he was told not to contact me. I am informing you he has been trying to. Sorry I'm a nervous wreck most of the time! I'm.not finding any of this easy!

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 11-Jun-17 21:39:38

I've been there Op and I get how you feel . However, he has been told not to contact you for a reason, it's an old fashioned case of 'do as you're told ' . He isn't doing as he's been told , so he has to be told again , and again until he gets it .

Call 101 now , the police know the score , they've seen it 100's of times.

Take control Op X

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 11-Jun-17 21:41:06

Did they give you an incident number ?

Kahlua4me Sun 11-Jun-17 21:43:44

I think you would need to ring 101 unless you already have a number to contact. I found it almost impossible to find the number for my local station when I needed to ring.

Perhaps ring and give your name and your ex's as they will then be able to track the recent communications and log it appropriately. You should ring each time as others have said as it will give the police a clear picture and if things escalate they will respond accordingly.

tiredvommachine Sun 11-Jun-17 21:45:03

Do you have an incident number? That'd be the quickest way your details could be brought up but if not, don't worry. If you give your name and other info, they'll be able to find the incident.

You need to know if it was an informal warning to leave you alone or whether it's something with some clout, ie harassment notice.
You need to find out if there is anything recorded on PNC, or an informal warning counts for nothing.

Call 101 and report the messages, they are unwanted and police need to have this recorded.
It doesn't have to be the same officer who deals with you, all of the information from the previous dealings will be available so the officer is aware.

tiredvommachine Sun 11-Jun-17 21:45:57

Massive cross posts with everyone grin

Roundles Sun 11-Jun-17 21:47:37

On hold with 101 now. Thank you all x

Roundles Sun 11-Jun-17 21:49:01

No incident number, and was an informal warning if that changes things! Am still on hold

Foureyesarebetterthantwo Sun 11-Jun-17 21:49:48

You definitely do need to contact them, so well done. It might only be some low key messages now, but he's clearly testing the boundaries of what might be ok, and in the face of being told not to by the police. This could escalate, so you are doing the right thing. How frightening for you.

PickAChew Sun 11-Jun-17 21:55:04

When you get through, you can ask for clarification of the best way to inform them each time he tries to contact you. By reporting, you are providing recorded evidence in case something more formal needs to be put in place to keep him away from you.

Roundles Sun 11-Jun-17 21:55:09

Thank you. Certainly not as extreme as some stories I've heard on here but just seeing the messages pop up on the phone makes me feel like my insides could drop out. And pf course feel guilty for reporting in that weird brainwashed way.

RandomMess Sun 11-Jun-17 21:56:28

You are doing the right thing reporting it flowers

Roundles Sun 11-Jun-17 22:07:31

Speaking with 101 now, my area must be busy tonight. Thank you everyone who posted and advised. Just seemed strange and a bit attention seeky to call police for a text message, hope that's just me over thinking though.

Charlotteswigwam Sun 11-Jun-17 22:31:30

To add to what others have said: if you've been in an abusive relationship for a while (and if there was violence then it WAS abusive even if the violence was a long time ago) then your default reaction is going to be an under reaction rather than an over reaction. So if you find yourself wanting to respond to something (e.g. By contacting the police over his continued contact of you) but worry it is an over reaction... it almost certainly isn't (sorry there is probably a more succinct way of putting that).

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 11-Jun-17 22:43:39

Charlotte I get what you mean . I think if you've been used to abuse and /or violence then your 'what's normal' instinct is a bit wonky .

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