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Not over my ex, met someone new, help

(6 Posts)
Bamboogie86 Sun 11-Jun-17 16:39:29

I'm 30, split up with my ex who was 5 years younger about 2.5 months ago, we were only together a year. However the relationship was intense from the start. We became very close, I ended up in hospital a few times with my health and he was so supportive. However, the mask started to slip a few times after the 3 months mark. When i discovered he had drug addiction - cocaine, amphetamines, diazepam etc. He also has MS and would often use that as an excuse for his poor decisions. He also had a child, who I ended up bonding with and adored. Her mum still texts me saying the child cries for me which is heartbreaking. Anyway, my ex was in debt, was conning people by selling broken cars, was selling drugs etc and generally wasnt a nice person in the end. He definitely has mental health issues. But he did have this wonderful side, was a great father, really kind, caring etc. We also had this connection which I'd describe as electric. I had two relationships before him both long term with very "normal" guys that ended due to wanting different things in life. I never felt as heartbroken as I have over this one. We spent literally every hour together. It ended after he took two severe rages at me whilst withdrawing from drugs sad at that point I assessed everything and knew that staying with someone who has all these bad, criminal traits is only going to end up end in heartache!!! I was already anxious and stressed a lot worrying about his "dealing" and drug taking. I knew that the "love" we had was amazing but not worth the stress and worry that came with him. He is a very chaotic person. I never fell out of love with him, despite his horrendous traits, I just decided I cant deal with his drama and lifestyle anymore. Therefore trying
To cut the feelings off isn't easy.

I can't speak to my friends about it as they love that I've met this new guy and ditched my ex. Will this feeling inside me fade soon? I think to myself, why am I so hung up on someone who is a loser, brought drama to my life, would have a hectic future with and took rages at me. What is wrong with me to miss this person? I sometimes wonder if he was a sociopath and what I.fell in love with was charm. He hasn't tried to get me back, he did email recently saying he misses me and has reminders of me everywhere and is struggling to cope. But that he knows hes better off single.

Anyway, I unexpectedly met someone new and he is probably the definition of gentleman. He has accepted my illness, he adores me and everything is going really well. When im with him I dont think about my ex. I fancy him and have such a laugh with him and he is very "normal" and stable. However, I dont feel that electric connection I felt with my ex. I hadn't felt that with anyone, ever. When I'm on my own with my thoughts, I miss my ex and analyse our relationship.

Is any of this normal? I dont want to feel anything for my ex. I want all those feelings to just go away and allow me to enjoy the new relationship with an amazing person.

SteppingOnToes Sun 11-Jun-17 16:44:32

Do you think possibly that the electric connection came from you being able to try and save him, rather than the other way round?

Bamboogie86 Sun 11-Jun-17 17:00:54

I don't know. Possibly. We fell hard at the start, 3-4 months in I discovered he was an addict and wasnt the guy he made out he was at the start. All the skeletons started falling out the closet.
Each time he would tell me he would do anything to not lose me so id give him a chance then pretty much a few weeks later he would be back on the drugs and around his dodgy friends. He would always use ms as the excuse. Looking back I think he had adhd, or some form of mental illness. It didn't matter at the time as I loved him. I never stopped loving him. Probably because he was never directly horrible to me, just to himself.

yetmorecrap Sun 11-Jun-17 17:40:36

I lived with someone a bit like this for a few years, initially it's exciting and electric, after a while it becomes a total pain in the arse, you aren't missing him I would bet , what you are missing is the adrenaline buzz that these chaotic guys often provide

Barbaro Sun 11-Jun-17 17:55:08

What yetmorecrap said.

I did the same with my ex, fell hard for him way too quickly and shouldn't have. By the end he hurt me a lot though and it was easy to get over him once we finally broke up. You need to see him for his bad points only, forget what the 'good' points are, they are false.

I dont have the same electric feeling for my current boyfriend, but I dont think its meant to be that way for us. We are taking things really slowly. I am way more attracted to him than I ever was for my ex too it just feels different and better. He makes me happy, I wished and hoped I would be happy with my ex. Its not the same.

Bamboogie86 Mon 12-Jun-17 12:06:42

You are probably right. It will be the thrill of it all that I'm missing. Wishing I wasn't wired that way though as he has put me through so much s* and I still love him.

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