Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

In need of romance from OH

(24 Posts)
JJRJ1002 Sat 10-Jun-17 18:25:26

Does anyone else feel that are in need of some romance from your OH?

My OH started off by being slightly romantic and charming. But now, nothing. It has been 5 years and we now have a child but once in a while I'd like to feel the excitement of romance, id like to feel special, I don't want to just feel like a mum who works and cleans and cooks and does everything for everyone and the house.
I have asked him so many times to do something romantic for me ... and nothing!
Do I sound selfish?

lieka Sat 10-Jun-17 18:31:39

Why don't you lead by example? Create a magical evening for you both to try and reconnect, then when he enjoys it, suggest doing it more often.

Just saying "romance me!" isn't going to do much I don't think.

JJRJ1002 Sat 10-Jun-17 18:33:14

I've tried all of that believe me.

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Jun-17 18:34:22

Do you get on well most of the time? Is he your best friend?

JJRJ1002 Sat 10-Jun-17 18:42:59

He's a decent guy, hard working, great dad, he's a family/home guy. All things I love and respect about him.
But I feel as a partner he neglects the emotional side of the relationship.

dementedma Sat 10-Jun-17 18:45:15

Try it after 30 years.! You just co-exist in mutual indifference. Its shit.

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Jun-17 18:46:27

I think you need couples counselling - if he won't go then tell him you'll go yourself to decide how to live the rest of your life.

JJRJ1002 Sat 10-Jun-17 18:49:42

Exactly that what I think - if it's like this now what's it gonna be like in years to come.
I do understand that after years and years together you become complacent and comfortable. So maybe I'm just being silly.

I did think about couples counselling, I don't think he will be receptive to that. But I suppose it's worth a try.

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Jun-17 18:55:18

Perhaps he needs to get a bit of a shock and realise that you do want a romantic relationship and if he's not bothered, then it's inevitable that at some point the relationship will come to an end. It's pretty obvious that most people don't want that kind of life.

WingsofNylon Sat 10-Jun-17 19:22:44

Humm. I can understand your frustration but if romace isn't something that comes naturally to him forcing it won't help. My dh finds typical romantic gestures embarrassing and it took me a while to be okay with that. Instead he does other things (and that's the key part) to show me love and appreciation. We used that modle i think it is call 5 languages of love?

carolmusic Sat 10-Jun-17 20:09:16

Maybe you need to step back and stop looking for the romance and look for other gestures he could be doing to show he loves you.

JJRJ1002 Sat 10-Jun-17 20:27:44

That's the problem, he doesn't do anything for me. Like I said he's a great dad and full time worker. But as a partner...... I can't think of much that he does.

I know he used to be romantic with his ex partner because of what he's told me about their relationship- and he proposed to her and done a big engagement party. But he won't propose to me.

Emboo19 Sat 10-Jun-17 20:32:58

What do you mean by romance, what do you want him to do?
If you have a child have you asked him about getting married?

SnowCurl Sat 10-Jun-17 20:33:36

I understand your frustrations. I am having the same issues myself. Sadly, I don't know what to suggest but wanted to (re)assure you that you are not alone.
I too, have tried the "romantic" gestures only to have it thrown back in my face or gone unnoticed. Xxx

YetAnotherGuy Sat 10-Jun-17 21:01:21

Speaking personally, what works for me is a "Painting by Numbers" approach. Or "Join the Dots". A very mechanical way of producing the desired effect

I think you have to start off by getting him to agree that being romantic is something important to you, and that he will commit to doing this. Without that, you won't get anywhere

Then to agree with him that he will do one romantic thing a month

And at the end of each month, if it's obvious say nothing, or (better) thank him

And if you can't recognise anything romantic, ask him what it was

But he has to buy into this first. Remind him what he did for his ex ...

Cesar1 Sat 10-Jun-17 21:09:14

You have a child but he hasn't proposed to you? Have you discussed with I'm why this may be?

JJRJ1002 Sat 10-Jun-17 21:37:47

I don't want him to whisk me away to Paris or anything - something small like run me a bath with candles or say 'I'll make dinner for you tonight' - even just bringing me In a glass of wine or cup of tea without me asking would b nice! anything to make me feel appreciated.

Whenever I mention marriage/proposal he changes the subject straight away. Whenever I mention the fact he proposed to her but hasn't with me even though we have a child he tells me I'm Being silly.

TheNaze73 Sat 10-Jun-17 23:23:56

What do you do for him to incentives the romance?

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Jun-17 23:36:09

Nice victim blaming there, TheNaze. She's his partner. That should incentivise the romance.

HeddaGarbled Sat 10-Jun-17 23:37:12

Right, right, right, it's not the lack of the 'romance' which is the problem here. Running you a bath with candles is a daft fantasy.

Marrying the mother of his child is important. Making you a cup of tea is basic.

Forget about romance. Do you want to be married to man who won't even make you a cup of tea or share the cooking? If you do, forget about all the romance malarkey and get that sorted.

WingsofNylon Sun 11-Jun-17 10:05:53

Oh wow. I thought you were I it talking about the bigger things. He won't spontaneously bring you tea? Ouch.
The marriage thing is obvious though right? He did it big an romantic last time and it didn't work. He is scared. I feel for you.

I still think you should both take the languages of love quiz to give you both something to base the conversation round.

flowers and brew OP. I wish he did appreciate you.

Emboo19 Sun 11-Jun-17 11:10:15

Is he affectionate, does he give you kisses and cuddle up on the sofa, that type of thing?
Other than my morning cup of tea, which my boyfriend brings, he wouldn't just make me a drink. He will ask if he's going into the kitchen if I want anything and if I ask he'll get me a drink. But he wouldn't think, oh emboo will want a glass of wine and just do it.
Same with dinner, he won't just make it, it would be a case of shall I do dinner tonight. He really only does it one night through the week, due to work etc, and he knows that's his night so will just do it, weekends depends on what we are doing.

I don't think of any of that as romantic though, that's just living together as a partnership.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Sun 11-Jun-17 17:28:14

Whenever I mention marriage/proposal he changes the subject straight away. Whenever I mention the fact he proposed to her but hasn't with me even though we have a child he tells me I'm Being silly.

It sounds as though he doesn't want to marry you, and it's not good that he won't discuss it. Has he ever mentioned it? And was the child planned? In other words, was this the natural progression in a serious relationship, or was the pregnancy unplanned and has turned your relationship more serious than it might have been? What I'm trying to say is do you think he's into you or would he have left if it weren't for the fact he's now a parent, because it doesn't sound as though he's emotionally with you as much as he could be.

caffeinestream Sun 11-Jun-17 19:23:19

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to marry you, and that won't even make you a cup of tea?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now