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Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

(376 Posts)
user1495964242 Sat 10-Jun-17 14:39:39

My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back sad I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost sad thanks for any help/advice x

Crispsheets Sat 10-Jun-17 14:41:15

Please have some self respect.
He is using you. He isn't going to stay with you.

user1495964242 Sat 10-Jun-17 14:42:20

With regards to the part about the other woman on original post, he is back home because he moved out of hers and they're no longer in regular contact as he said he realised it all moved too quickly and made the situation alot more complicated for everyone x

wobblywonderwoman Sat 10-Jun-17 14:42:53

Op ... He is really using you and being spiteful and disrespectful.

In no uncertain terms I would kick him out and get rid once and for all. How long are you going to leg this drag on for? It is ruining your life. Any further contact about DC ; be very cold and only handover at the door ,- don't let him in

MikeUniformMike Sat 10-Jun-17 14:44:34

He wants to be single and have a guaranteed shag in case he doesn't pull.

Columbine1 Sat 10-Jun-17 14:46:23

By writing it all down again I hope you can see that you have to stop this. He should move out now because its too hurtful for you with him there. Stop being his sex buddy! It's hurting you more & won't change his mind.

picklemepopcorn Sat 10-Jun-17 14:47:58

Disgusting man. How can he be so selfish and have so little empathy? Snap out of it! Send him packing. This isn't real.

Wolfiefan Sat 10-Jun-17 14:48:28

He wants a shag.
You want your husband back.
This is never going to work.

user1495964242 Sat 10-Jun-17 14:48:31

I can't really kick him out, the house is his and he's always paid the mortgage while I was the homemaker and I paid for the kids things and food shopping, we've lightly discussed what will happen with the house when moves out so I couldn't throw him out and despite all this I don't want to, I'm praying he will realise he's making a mistake and come back but it seems like that's getting more and more unrealistic.. I don't want to be without him, I know it sounds pathetic but I've loved him unconditionally for 11 years and I can't turn that off x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 10-Jun-17 14:48:34

Oh OP. Tell him that you've met somebody else now that you will want to sleep with when you're ready - and file for divorce.

Make sure that ex has 50:50 custody and no more spending time at your home. He needs to leave right now and know how it will be as a single dad.

You're absolutely right that he will keep using you (because he knows how you feel about him) for as long as it takes him to find somebody he wants to have a relationship with - and then you'll be unceremoniously dumped. Don't let him do that, get there first - dump him and get a jump start on your grieving and healing process now.

What a horrible man he is. For you thanks

picklemepopcorn Sat 10-Jun-17 14:49:36

Disgusting man. How can he be so selfish and have so little empathy? Snap out of it! Send him packing. This is fake families, it isn't real and it isn't healthy for you or the DCs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 10-Jun-17 14:50:15

You need to make plans to split legally. He needs to move out and find somewhere else to live. You have kids and he needs to house them. You are married and you have rights.

Find out everything that you can - there's a thread pinned at the start of the Relationships board that will help you, it's really comprehensive and very helpful.

picklemepopcorn Sat 10-Jun-17 14:50:31

Sorry, double post..

StatelessPrincess Sat 10-Jun-17 14:50:35

His behaviour is cruel and awful, I'm sorry but he doesn't love or even respect you. He's treating you like he doesn't care how you feel because he doesn't. Please don't allow yourself to be treated this way, he doesn't deserve your love, you need to be strong and take care of yourself, make a clean break from him. I know it's painful but the sooner it's done the sooner you'll be over it.

Wolfiefan Sat 10-Jun-17 14:51:04

So you will have to move out. Get financial advice ASAP.
He's told you he doesn't want to be with you. Believe him.
He's treated you appallingly.

glenthebattleostrich Sat 10-Jun-17 14:52:33

So he got dumped by the OW and has moved back in with you until the next one comes along?

Is this really what you want? To be his second choice, someone to keep sweet so he gets a fuck occasionally? Because I think you are worth way more than that.

You need to tell him to move out. See a solicitor and get the divorce moving. Take some time to grieve and to heal, focus on thing that make you happy. It will get better I promise.

Cary2012 Sat 10-Jun-17 14:54:33

I don't know whether to hug you or shake you OP.

On the one hand I kind of understand that you still love him, although his treatment of you should have dampened this. On the other, Oh for the love of God, wake up and stop being his doormat. He wants his cake and eat it too. He wants a single life and to enjoy your body, with no strings attached. He doesn't give a damn whether this hurts you, which it clearly does.

You are in different places. He wants non emotional good sex with you and nothing more. You want him back.

You must see that a man who has such disregard for you, such disrespect and who is treating you with contempt, should never be allowed in your bed again.

Do you have a daughter? How would you feel, if twenty years down the line, she settled for being treated like this?

Kick him out, minimum contact regarding kids, and move on.
He's degrading you, and you're letting him. Find your strength and self respect.

user1495964242 Sat 10-Jun-17 14:54:45

Thanks for the replies so far.. I just don't understand how he's changed as he was the perfect husband for 10 years literally up until the point 6 weeks ago he said he was leaving? We never had any major issues, no break ups/cheating anything like that , i was so convinced we'd last forever and it's that person and idea I can't let go of, is it really impossible that he will go off and realise the grass isn't greener and that he's made a mistake? Even most of his family are with me on this and think he's having some sort of breakdown, which I agree with x

user1495964242 Sat 10-Jun-17 15:01:48

Cary2012 out 7 year old is a girl, 5 year old is a boy.. I know what you're saying and I've said the same to him how would he feel if someone treated her as he has me and he just said don't bring stuff like that up I'm just trying to make him feel bad.. when he's nice he's the same lovely man I married and fell in love with then when he's being hurtful, he kills me inside and I understand everyones frustration but for the love of god I can't stop wanting him back and that is manifesting in pure desperation on my part x

Oliversmumsarmy Sat 10-Jun-17 15:02:13

Friends don't sleep together.
You have female friends. Do you have sex with any of them?
You have male friends. Do you sleep with them?

You are married. He wants out. It doesn't matter who pays the mortgage you and the children need the house and he has a duty to house his children and their mother.

Start getting hard and get all paperwork together. Get an appointment with a solicitor and see where you stand.

And stop taking anymore of his shit

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 10-Jun-17 15:03:15

You WILL let go of the idea that he's your husband, user, the first time you get wind of/proof positive that he's moved on with another woman, your feelings will change. That will be a good thing but for the fact that your self-esteem will take a hell of a hammering. I think we're all trying to move you to the point (right now) where WHEN that awful time happens, you've already got over the worst of wanting you husband and your marriage back.

Believe me, it's coming. The only thing you can control is where you will be at that point. I hope, for your sake, that you cut him off now. I can't tell you how much that will help you deal with the pain.

Get some professional advice and no more talking to your husband about anything - and no more sharing a bed. Yuck. You have no idea where his cock has been, given that he's 'single now'. You might need to get checked out that he hasn't given you anything too. I'm so sorry, you should not be in this position... but you undoubtedly and unmistakably ARE and you need to take the reins now to end this thing.

SparklingRaspberry Sat 10-Jun-17 15:04:57

He's a horrible man. You may love him, but he's still horrible.

He probably isn't gunna come back, why would he? You're giving him lots of sex and attention whilst he's still able to live the single life and do whatever he wants! Why would he change that?

He doesn't respect you. He's treating you like a sex buddy despite being his wife for all these years and the mother of his children.

Honestly, if you can't kick him out, tell him he either sleeps in a spare room or on the sofa.

I mean this in nicest way as I know how hard it all is but you keep to find your self respect.

Iris65 Sat 10-Jun-17 15:06:49

Accept that he is not going to give you any commitment and try to let go of wanting any specific outcome.
He sounds conflicted to me but the only way that you will find out what he 'really' wants is to set some boundaries. He may be feeling that he has missed out on playing the field as a single man having got together so young with you. This would fit with the 'breakdown' that may be happening.
I went through a similar period with my DP 18 months ago. He wanted to split up but still be friends, wanted to carry on sleeping in the same bed and spend time together. I was broken hearted and told him that I was moving out and that did not want to see him at all for at least a month while I thought about our future.
I did move out and set up an independent life. At the end of that month he immediately sent me a text saying he wanted to see me and I kept the boundary between friends and lovers for another four months. Then one day he turned and kissed me in a passionate way and asked me to move back in.
We haven't looked back and have just bought a house together.

pipsqueak25 Sat 10-Jun-17 15:07:14

imo he's using you for sex, cut free and respect yourself, he sounds horrible tbh and you are better off without him.

user1495964242 Sat 10-Jun-17 15:09:50

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, when he originally left he was with someone else so I already know that awful feeling, and unfortunately it hadn't changed me wanting him back if anything I think it made me feel more like I had to get him back in my mind he's still mine if that makes any sense? He hasn't slept with anyone else since he is so brutally honest he would tell me, as he says were not in a relationship anymore so he can do what he likes and he'd tell me, I know now I have to change something because I'm so miserable and unhappy and I spend my spare time finding quotes online to try and get me through while I wait for the next time I see him sad

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