Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help I'm confused! Want to have sex but not casually!

(15 Posts)
Laura9867 Sat 10-Jun-17 00:32:58

Sorry if this is a bit long - I am confused & hoping mumsnet can give me some advice. I was in a relationship for 10 years with ex, higher sex drive than him & as relationship declined so did our sex life. Break up was tough & for a few years I just focused on myself and raising DD.

Started online dating & met people but didn't find anyone I was attracted to until earlier this year. I hadn't dated in what felt like forever and was really attracted to this guy online. He swept me off my feet and the chemistry was electric, sexually and intellectually. After years without sex and without any male attention, I had forgotten what being intimate with someone felt like! The sex was amazing and I saw him for a couple of months. But this guy was a player. He'd be all over me then I wouldn't hear from him for a few days then he'd be back. He left me confused a lot of the time. He lied about little things and I had the feeling he was dating other women. After a while he also said he didn't want a long-term relationship. I didn't want to carry on casually so broke off contact and haven't been in touch with him since. I had become attached to him though so it was really difficult breaking off contact and I still think about him a lot! Even though I shouldn't because he was such a player! But he did make me feel alive and attractive again. And ever since seeing him I have felt really sexual.

So fast-forward a few months and I have met someone else online, again the only person I am attracted to. He is very good looking but also seems to be a bit of a player. He has told me he is not looking for a relationship (despite saying that on his profile) and the talk has been very sexual even though nothing has happened....yet! So despite saying to myself I would avoid men only looking for casual sex I am basically repeating what happened with the last guy. Or at least would be if I let anything happen. I'm tempted again though because I have such a high sex drive at the moment. Not sure if it's my age or being sexually repressed for such a long time but seeing the previous guy brought something out of me!

I probably sound quite naive - have forgotten how this works. I used to meet someone & begin a relationship with them, even if it started with sex. It was very straight-forward. These days it seems so many men are only interested in casual sex which is not what I want. I know it works for a lot of people but I get too attached to men when I sleep with them (hence still thinking about last guy and trying to get over him). And ultimately I end up feeling a bit used.

At the same time, when I'm really attracted to someone I do want to sleep with them. So, I feel a bit stuck. Has anyone else been in this position? Why I am so attracted to these men? Should I avoid any man who says he doesn't want a relationship and resign myself to being single. Or try to date men who are looking for long-term commitment that don't seem as exciting or attractive? My sex drive has never been higher than it is now yet I don't want casual sex with a short shelve life. And I'm not sure what to do with all of this sexual energy. I work, I have hobbies, I go out, I exercise yet I am still thinking about sex a lot of the time (I sound like a man) and it's leaving me pretty frustrated.

Any advice please. Thanks.

Godsprincess Sat 10-Jun-17 08:02:06

Hi op. I am in sort of a similar situation. Just try to resist sleeping them for the first few dates ( I know how hard it is when you really like someone)and if they are only there for the sex they will start showing signs and you will know .
I am currently talking to a man with whom I have chemistry both intellectual and sexual even though he is not my usual type but he is sort of in and out so I try my hardest to resist him until I know what the deal is . Hopefully we will get lucky one day.
Have a good weekend smile

Nikitasol Sat 10-Jun-17 08:13:42

I feel you!

Blushingm Sat 10-Jun-17 08:31:43

I'm definitely with you!

I love sex - my stbexh wasnt interested. I have a friend - he wants a relationship but not with me, I sleep with him because I want to but it hurts so bad that I know he's looking for the one and I'm not it (or he says I'm not), he says he cares but I know he's on dating sites chatting to other women and I know he's met at least 2 (probably more) and had sex with one that I know of.....I can't bring myself to break it off though

TDHManchester Mon 12-Jun-17 07:59:17

This is all a bit confusing. It is ok for women to enjoy sex and to seek it out. The lines blur because often people think they can just have a FWB or FB without any emoional ties but inevitably, they often sneak in.

Now if you set out from the get go to have an FWB or FB and a guy agrees and is up for the same, you cant then change the rules and try and twist his arm later or get all possessive,unless of course his feelings have also changed.

I think there is still a lot to be said for just taking things slowly,,,social meets, conversation, dinner,,walks,,maybe holding hands? How magical is that first hand hold,first embrace,first kiss smile

Loopytiles Mon 12-Jun-17 08:03:51

So you seem to be saying that you want a relationship? If so then you're right to avoid men who clearly just want casual sex, like the two you mention.

Blushing, your "friend with benefits" is not a friend IMO! Even if the sex is great, seeing him is not helping you feel good, so what's the point?

rizlett Mon 12-Jun-17 08:06:53

Mostly players are twats but sometimes a 'player' is waiting for the person who doesn't play and who doesn't 'give' it all in the first few dates. Someone who has a lot of self respect.

You need time to work out what their belief system is to find out which one of these he is.

(Have a wank before you go out on any dates.)grin

Forwardsforwards Mon 12-Jun-17 08:10:41

OP..in same boat. Currently using TDH way of thinking.
Very high sex drive but am uncomfortable with the randomness of sexting etc... maybe it's the convent education shock

Forwardsforwards Mon 12-Jun-17 08:11:42

Good point Rizlett....

Peaceandharmony7 Mon 12-Jun-17 08:14:59

The downside of the Internet. Men are like kids in a sweetshop with online dating!

ravenmum Mon 12-Jun-17 08:21:00

Get a nice big sex toy ...

The committed players are simply good at their game, so it's lots of fun. Often devilishly good looking, too. Of course you're tempted! And it can be hard to work out which ones are real chancers and which just act a bit that way but are actually up for a proper relationship too.

Maybe try to go in without expecting anything, but also prepared to give them up faster once you realise it's not going where you would like?

ravenmum Mon 12-Jun-17 08:22:09

Men are like kids in a sweetshop with online dating!
Not just the men smile

JoJoSM2 Mon 12-Jun-17 09:06:18

You just need to decide if you're looking for a relationship or a casual shag. I think you might be attracted to and contemplating commitment-phobes because you're not ready to commit yourself. If you genuinely, consciously and subconsciously, wanted a relationship, than any flakiness from your dates would have alarm bells ringing. And you'll probably be upset/offended by a guy offering to see you but precluding a relationship.

It's genuinely ok if you just fancy a few shags at this stage.

rizlett Mon 12-Jun-17 09:07:52

I think a lot of people forget too that with internet dating you often have to work your way through a lot more to find the good so it can get dispiriting but if you just keep going it can work.

Laura9867 Mon 12-Jun-17 22:22:39

Thanks for all of the replies and advice! I agree with all of you. The man I've been chatting to seems like he wants an ego boost more than anything and I've actually become a bit bored by his conversation already. I think in general I just need to lower my expectations and slow down, get to know someone and stop being seduced by good looking men! smile They don't come around too often unfortunately but yes I will resist sleeping with anyone until after a few dates at least (thanks Godsprincess)
TDHManchester I could never agree to be FWB or a FB and make that clear early on but it's difficult when player types say they don't want that either but then show all the signs they do hence the confusion! Know exactly what you mean about taking it slow & enjoying all the small things like kissing, holding hands, long walks etc.
That sounds tough Blushingm! Could you try meeting someone else, take your mind off this guy for a while?
I do agree rizlett but the other thing that could happen is even if you play hard to get or take it slow the 'player' will chase you until he sleeps with you or am I too cynical? How would you find out what their belief system is about these things? I ask because a lot of men seem to lie about these things... The man I was seeing earlier in the year wanted to see me regularly, go on dates & have sex but didn't want to get emotionally attached & fall in love. I was very confused confused. True, you really do have to sieve your way through a lot of men online.
Peaceandharmony7 So true grin
ravenmum Totally agree. This guy is so funny even if he is a player and makes me laugh a lot! Unfortunately all the others messages (well, only a handful blush) from other men seem utterly dull in comparison. One guy even asked about the weather in his opening message! I really do need to lower expectations and give up early on instead of hoping for more.
JoJoSM2 You've hit the nail on the head! I have thought a lot about this. I am essentially looking for a relationship or at least think I am. Good looking guys rarely come along so when they do I get excited like a teenager and am tempted to go further. But with sex I get emotionally attached too easily so try to avoid anything casual, hence the frustration. The thing is most players will not say they are not looking for a relationship. They seem to say things like 'it might happen if I find the right person' or something else along those lines so it's difficult to work out if they are genuine or not.

Thank you ladies. I need to lower expectations, slow down, weed out casual types and have a few cold showers grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now