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Man in need of help - please take mercy :-)

(38 Posts)
redrabbit29 Fri 09-Jun-17 23:00:58

Firstly I'm a male - and also a first time poster. Not sure if you want to burn me at the bonfire, but please just take mercy and listen first ;-)

I come wanting help and in desperation of some form of understanding:

Me: 32 with a mortgage and no kids
GF: 30 but no attachment to me and no kids

So very clinically speaking, no problem as I am on my own and no ties with kids or houses.

We've been together 5 years
About to go away to Cuba for 10 days in the next few weeks
Next month is a wedding up North for her Brother


I'm so stuck, there's so much !!!!!yness, resentment, bad feeling. I'm so angry, so annoyed, I can't even tell you why. Simillarly she may feel this way.

I'm physically having heart palpatations and feeling unwell with stress and anger at some of the issues between us. If I told you what they were you'd think "Grow up".... just like in any other relationship. IT's nothing big it's just stupid things.

I don't want to go away to her families wedding next month.


EVEN WORSE IS as part of her birthday present I've booked a surprise trip to Venice which cost around £1200. I don't care much about the money, just the whole thought of not going. The idea of staying at home instead of going way.

What the hell do I do?

Thanks everyone

SurfacingTrunk Fri 09-Jun-17 23:03:31

Do you want to be in a relationship with her? What is making you stay? It sounds from your post that it's run its course, but you've not taken the scary step of ending it.

AgentProvocateur Fri 09-Jun-17 23:03:56

Chuck her and take me a friend to Venice. Relationships are meant to be about loving each other and having fun (especially when you're both child free). It doesn't sound like yours is. It's not worth carrying on.

jamrock Fri 09-Jun-17 23:08:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ookmybanana Fri 09-Jun-17 23:13:33

So you're not happy? So much so that it's giving you physical symptoms.
Are they issues you could overcome by perhaps talking to your partner? If not, cut loose. Relationships aren't always plain sailing but they shouldn't be that difficult.

Hermonie2016 Fri 09-Jun-17 23:15:38

Are you angry with her or generally angry?

You don't need permission to separate, if you don't want to be with her then have a grown up discussion and say it's not working.

springydaffs Fri 09-Jun-17 23:20:04

How on earth you got that from op's post is beyond me, jamrock. Plus the whole take mercy thing seems to have passed you by on this occasion?

It's hard to give any feedback op bcs your post doesn't say anything in particular, just you're very unhappy and stressed. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk this through with? Also you could have a bit of counselling to try to get to the bottom of what's wrong - look at BACP to find therapists in your area. Therapy doesn't have to be the whole shebang, you can have a block of sessions to address eg feeling stuck. It's very common to feel stuck btw.. Counselling/therapy is not unlike detective work: you have to follow the clues to see where they're leading. The clues, when you see them, are so obvious you're astounded you didn't notice them before!

I wish you well op. Feeling stuck can feel so desperate and nasty but it's usually an indication that something's got to give. Finding out what that is, and how to address it, may seem overwhelming but with eg a trained professional it can be a journey of discovery you'll be glad to embarked on - once you're out the other side! Be brave - it's nowhere near as bad as what you're experiencing now.

DancingGoose Sat 10-Jun-17 12:04:23

Is it definitely related to the relationship? I know sometimes when i've felt stuck, miserable and bored in other areas of my life i tend to focus it all on my relationship. i suppose because that's the thing which is 'supposed to make me happy' so it's the first thing to blame when i don't feel good about myself.

Trills Sat 10-Jun-17 12:06:39

GF: 30 but no attachment to me

What do you mean by that?

barrygetamoveonplease Sat 10-Jun-17 12:07:47

Just split up. Now.

Teddy6767 Sat 10-Jun-17 12:08:07

Think he means she's not engaged or married to him

Teddy6767 Sat 10-Jun-17 12:10:23

And I echo what others are saying - why are you with someone who doesn't make you happy?! The whole point of a relationship is that if beings joy to your life. I never get why people stay together when they clearly don't even like each other, especially when there are no ties with kids or finances. Life passes you by quickly so just man up and give both of you the opportunity to find happiness with other people.
As for the holidays - can they be cancelled even if you lose the deposits? Or can someone else buy yours or her ticket such as a friend?

TheHobbitMum Sat 10-Jun-17 12:10:32

If you are this unhappy I think you need a Frank, honest conversation to see if the relationship has run its course. It's got to be pretty big resentment and anger if you are having physical symptoms. If your sure these feelings are related to the relationship you owe it to both of you to end things so you can both find happiness with someone else x

TheNaze73 Sat 10-Jun-17 12:39:13

Men are so low maintenance & she doesn't see that.

Bin her off

pallasathena Sat 10-Jun-17 13:25:24

You sound very unhappy OP. Are you afraid of her in some way perhaps? Has she abused you either physically or verbally because, reading between the lines, it looks like you are caught like the rabbit in the proverbial headlights here.
And terrified of upsetting her.
Be brave. Finish it. Forget the money spent and find someone better suited to you.
You don't need anyone's permission to just walk away.

Ellisandra Sat 10-Jun-17 14:13:22

Well if it's a surprise trip, she doesn't know about it.

It's not complicated from the outside.
It's not working, you want out.
So - politely end it.

Don't go to the wedding.
Go to Cuba separately - only additional cost if you both want to go is a different hotel, and if it's a package tour the company may be able to help you with that.
Don't tell her you ever booked Venice, and take a friend or go alone.

pinkdelight Sat 10-Jun-17 18:04:27

I wasted a trip to NY on a boyfriend when we both knew it was over. It was miserable. Make a decision, be honest and clear - no mixed messages or dragging it out. Then your trip can be the start of a new era instead of stringing out the misery.

Sn0tnose Sat 10-Jun-17 18:37:30

You don't have to justify why you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. And it doesn't have to be big stuff that causes issues. It can be little stuff, or even no stuff at all. If it's over, it's over.

If you're certain that it isn't just a rough patch that will settle down in a few weeks, then it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do and I'd suggest, for both of your sakes, that you do it as soon as possible. Don't tell her about Venice and don't go to Cuba together. The last thing you want is for any break up to be protracted and messy and 'one last holiday' together will certainly add to that.

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Jun-17 18:44:38

I think you've reached the end of the line with her, don't you? I would tell her it's time to end the relationship.

Next - the wedding - of course you can't go. If you've ended the relationship, then there's no reason why you'd go.

Holidays - can you come to an agreement so that one of you has the Cuba holiday (and takes a friend) and the other has Venice?

Who has paid for the Cuban holiday?

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Jun-17 18:45:27

Oh sorry, the trip to Venice was a surprise? So she doesn't know anything about it and won't miss it.

CatsAndCandles Sat 10-Jun-17 22:27:12

Please don't be that guy who booked a surprise trip to Venice, all the while thinking of ending it. This sort of thing really fucks with someone's mind.

Guavaf1sh Sat 10-Jun-17 23:38:18

I don't get why you feel like that? You mention trips abroad and weddings but don't state why you feel so angry. If you've had enough of her split up. If you're asking advice about how to resolve issues describe the issues. If you think she's unreasonable and want the opinion of others describe why

Jux Sat 10-Jun-17 23:45:45

Not really sure what you're after here. Do you have any idea what is making you so angry? Do you dislike her? Has she done something specific?

You've been together 5 years, and it sounds like it's over. I'm sorry.

Monkeyface26 Sat 10-Jun-17 23:54:53

After 5 yrs together, there may never be a good time to break up. We all have social events, trips, family commitments which are booked into the diary. You can't let money or diary dates trap you. It seems that the relationship has run its course and breaking it off now is actually the honest, decent thing to do. You are both young. It makes no sense to plough on when you have no children together. Just be brave.

FetchezLaVache Sun 11-Jun-17 00:03:31

I think what the hell you do is that you end this relationship, which is clearly making you unhappy.

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