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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The penny has finally dropped!

(12 Posts)
jogalong Fri 09-Jun-17 22:59:03

Together 16yrs, married 11 and 3 children later the penny has finally dropped that dh has no respect for me. He tells me I'm ugly(my looks) which I probably am but i know i have a lovely spirit and a very kind heart. Beauty is only skin deep?
Anyway I've decided he's the ugly one with an ugly personality and his abusive behaviour.
How do I get away from this man. He's controlling and a bully and i need to plan this carefully as he will do his best to destroy me.
All advice welcome

gamerchick Fri 09-Jun-17 23:10:53

He doesn't sound very nice does he confused so many dudes horrible to their ladies sad

Start at the beginning and form a plan. Do you have access to money?

jogalong Fri 09-Jun-17 23:13:57

Yeah I have my own money and a job. The problem is i have no confidence.

PurpleWithRed Fri 09-Jun-17 23:19:21

Keep posting here for confidence boosts, loads of us have been through it and blossomed. It's tough at the time but well worth it - a bit like childbirth.

Start thinking about the practicalities - income, living arrangements, arrangements for the children. Gather financial information about everything - pensions, savings, mortgage, equity in the house, the whole lot. And keep telling yourself you can do it, because you can.

MopedManiac Fri 09-Jun-17 23:25:44

I am sorry to hear you are in this position, jogalong. I was in abusive relationship for a long time. MNetters supported me and I believe saved me from a very nasty attack.

I highly recommend you phone the Women's Aid helpline - they will give you tips on leaving safely. The forum is also a very supportive place.

The national centre for domestic violence can also help with advice regarding non-molestation and occupation orders, thus you don't need to be the one fleeing.

When you decide to leave an abusive relationship, and he gets wind of it, is the most dangerous time. Please take care, jogalong.

x

bonjourbear Fri 09-Jun-17 23:34:54

I'm sure you're not ugly. He probably just says that, because he wants to keep your confidence nice and low so you'll continue to put up with his awful behaviour. He sounds horrible. Anyway, being pretty doesn't matter if you're kind.

If you haven't already, get hold of a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. Even if you've already realised he's abusive, it will help you process what you've been through, and give you the tools to choose better next time (if you decide that you want there to be a next time). Call Women's Aid when you get the chance. 0808 2000 247.

Go and see a lawyer as soon as possible. A lot of them do free half hour consultations. You might find you're entitled to more than you expect, seeing as you're married. Does he work?

You have no confidence now, because you live with a vicious, controlling bully. But your confidence will return, once you leave him. You will be amazed how quickly it comes back. You will get out into the world, and find that there are plenty of people who think you're worthy of respect. There will be people who think you're attractive. There will be people who register your kindness, and who know it's the most important quality a person can have.

You're doing the right thing. Don't look back.

jogalong Fri 09-Jun-17 23:45:43

Thank you so much everyone. Already I feel like a weight is lifted with your amazing support.
He has gone away to his mother's sulking for 2 nights and I feel like I have such freedom from the constant belittling, insults duct. I wish he'd never come back. But I know he'll be here on Sunday when I'm exhausted from having the kids all weekend and he'll make me feel like I can't cope without him. The kids love him so much and will be so happy to see him. I'm afraid it'll all fall back into the same old routine.
But if I slowly work out my plan then may be ill get stronger and braver as it falls into place.

KeepCalm Sat 10-Jun-17 07:45:01

You need a plan @jogalong. As soon as you have a plan you'll start feeling better and it will start falling into place.

Time to take control one step at a time flowers

LexieLulu Sat 10-Jun-17 07:48:13

Change the locks, and message him telling to find somewhere else to stay as you're filing for divorce?

Ring 111 and ask for advice in advance for an abusive husband, they might give you a help for what will happen Sunday xx

rizlett Sat 10-Jun-17 08:02:25

Write down what happens jog - the things he says and does because although the penny has dropped he has eroded your confidence so much that your judgment is still likely to be a bit skewed.

I like lexie's plan of striking whilst the iron is hot and he's away already....

but perhaps a more long term plan will suit you?

happypoobum Sat 10-Jun-17 11:05:25

OK, I agree what you need is a plan.

First stop, solicitors for advice on what the outcomes might be in your local family courts (although the law is the same, outcomes vary depending on whether they favour pension sharing orders, 50/50 residency etc etc) Most of the solicitors where I live will give 30 minutes free advice.

Get copies of all financial paperwork. Savings/pensions/premium bonds/shares/everything you can think of.

Can you squirrel any extra money away?

Do you own or rent?

He will have to give you at least 20% of his take home pay for the DC. You may be entitled to tax credits - check out on the entitledto website or tax credit calculator.

Good luck. flowers

something2say Sat 10-Jun-17 11:36:55

My advice is this.
Get your ducks in a row without discussing it with him.
Take steps to avoid him. Bath, bed, walk, anything.
Cling to your new understanding if he gets in your face. Try to get away.
Maybe go away for a night yourself?
But plan plan plan and enlist help help help.
The rest of your life awaits xxxx

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