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Lack of sex in marriage

(10 Posts)
Muchadoaboutnothing17 Fri 09-Jun-17 13:12:37

I have been here a few years, but name changed as I'm embarrassed.

We had a great sex life when we met, but that was over a decade ago.

I would say the decline started when I was pregnant. After DD was about 6 months we got back into the swing of it and all was well.

We moved house, had a stressful year, DD kept waking in the night and our sex life just died.

We fell out after moving house and I was really hurt by DH's behaviour. I still don't see him in the same way just yet.

I find the lack of sex hard to deal with, it's over a month since we had sex now except one attempt when DH couldn't maintain an erection and it sounds horrible but I gave up in the end. It has happened a couple of times.

I feel like he finds me unattractive and just can't stomach sex with me. I have put on a stone since I stopped going to the gym last year, but with work and a child I never get the time. I feel shit about myself and just don't have the confidence to push having sex and getting it going.

I don't think there's anything physically wrong with DH, he can wank so clearly it isn't a problem orgasming with himself!

I don't know what to do. It makes it feel like I will spend my life in a sexless marriage. What should I do or try?

gamerchick Fri 09-Jun-17 13:15:10

It's not just your problem to fix though. What does your husband say?

kickarse Fri 09-Jun-17 13:40:29

Has your dh been to his gp with regards to his erection problem during sex? I would think that he needs to address this issue as a starting point. Maybe couples counselling could help if you both wish to reconnect. If you feel that you may want to end things then start doing some research on this and ask your gp to refer you for your own counselling in order to explore your choices.

Sometimes having all the available options and info in front of you can help.

Muchadoaboutnothing17 Fri 09-Jun-17 19:46:03

He is just pretending everything is fine with regards to this and the whole marriage really. I think he even convinces himself sometimes...

I had a look into counselling but it's not really something we can afford at the moment.

Just feeling really down. My confidence and self esteem are rock bottom.

Josuk Fri 09-Jun-17 19:53:49

Sex life does depend a lot on the relationship, doesn't it.
Moving, stress, arguments - doesn't help being able to relax and enjoy it.
And it's like a vicious circle - once the is an issue - it snowballs.

I don't think it's a medical issue. Equally I don't think your H doesn't find you attractive.
I think it's more likely you have some relationship issues. And he has some performance anxiety - which happens to men. And now - he is, possibly, even afraid to try for the fear that it will happen again.

missyB1 Fri 09-Jun-17 19:59:37

His problem with his erections is likely due to all the stress you've both been through, plus the tension between the two of you.
If counselling is not an option then how about you both agree to concentrate on improving the relationship rather than focusing just on the sex. Things like being kind and respectful to each other, doing nice things together, making time for each other. I think once you get the relationship back on track the sex issue will resolve itself.

Muchadoaboutnothing17 Fri 09-Jun-17 20:04:35

I think it's a very good point you both make. I must admit our respect for each other is pretty none existent at the moment. It's so sad, we were so happy and good together for so long and now it just feels broken.

Muchadoaboutnothing17 Fri 09-Jun-17 20:05:38

It's hard to find time for us. We have no family near by and nursery fees already take nearly all my salary.
To be fair we could make more effort in the evening, but I just feel tired usually.

Josuk Fri 09-Jun-17 22:27:29

You know - the 'effort' in the evening doesn't need to be effort....
If can be just having a meal, or desert, or watching tv curled up next to each other, or chatting.
It's closeness that enforces connection. And that can lead to relaxing and being more open, to communicating better.
And t
Eventually to intimacy

Changedname3456 Sat 10-Jun-17 07:32:05

Walking is free and a good chance to exercise together without it being OTT. Take DC with you to the park after work together - get into a habit of spending that time in each other's company. It's too easy to get into a rut with a partner and then, six months down the line, you realise your relationship's non existent.

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