I had a very brief situation with a colleague. It was barely even a fling, let alone a relationship, more a flirtation which got out of hand a few times. It was obvious that it couldn't go anywhere, for numerous reasons which I won't outline for fear of outing myself (although both of us were and are single so there weren't any injured third parties), so this wasn't ever really discussed. As far as I know it isn't known to any of our colleagues. This all ended over a year ago and I am still really upset about it. I've dated other people and am generally busy and distracted. But it still feels like a real loose end in my life.
The person in question was a good friend and now isn't. We haven't fallen out as such, but our relationship, which was really warm and flirtatious and intimate is now mainly civil but distant, occasionally cordial but with a heavy veneer of suspicion and mistrust on both sides. We don't socialise together any more beyond situations where its more or less obligatory (i.e with lots of other colleagues). I know that this is how it had to be and at the moment there's no alternative and yet I'm devastated about it.
I find the daily business of having to keep a stiff upper lip and be fake friendly but never too friendly or never genuinely friendly with someone I once felt a genuine warmth with absolutely soul destroying. I have lost a friend and it makes me desperately sad. I know it can't really be otherwise at the moment but it feels really counterintuitive and wrong. It makes me feel paranoid, and a failure, and hated. I know my feelings are irrational and I am probably projecting - I have no idea how he feels except that he is clearly also uncomfortable with it. But I just really struggle with it.
Before anyone suggests changing jobs, this is not an option at the moment, and nor would I want to if it were. I love my job, like the people I work with and am well paid and I know it would be very hard to find something that suits me as well as this. I am able to manage this situation, it's not causing problems for me professionally or drawing attention from colleagues and on a day to day basis its OK, it has just robbed me of one of the sources of joy of my life and made me quite unhappy.
I would just like to hear from others who have been in this situation. Has anyone been in a situation like this and managed eventually to regrow the friendship after the emotions have become less raw? Or do I need to accept that we can't ever be friends. Will we grow to hate one another? or will we eventually just become indifferent?
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Help me understand why this is so painful, and move on
16 replies
theabysswithin · 08/06/2017 23:06
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